Ana and I have become friends ever since “The Mother” and William, my boyfriend, joined forces. William beats out of me the remaining self-esteem I have left and “The Mother” has a habit of pressuring me to be thinner. I think it’s peculiar how humans can’t go on with life without low self-esteem and pressure. Ana helps me though. After every meal, she and I have a little chat about what I need to do in order to please her. I throw up about several times after every meal. But it’s all worth it in the end. Bile burns on my fingers and weak tooth enamel is an insignificant price to pay for such an astonishing friendship. Oh my, look at that! My three minutes are up.
My visits with Ana shake me up a bit; I think I need three more pills before I see her. I am still amazed at how these little plain white pills are very powerful. In some sense, I get this feeling of power just to see my name, Charlotte Johnson, on the bottle. It’s probably the only thing that I have control of in my life. I can decide if I take two, three, or four pills an hour. Whatever fancies me, is what I can choose. Charlotte is in charge, nobody else controls her.
I’ve never been this crazy, you can rest assure on that! I began to loose grip when I realized that I am my own name’s antonym. I am the prisoner of the high society I was born into. I used to think it wasn’t their fault. I had a theory that it was the city that made me feel lost. Every time I got the chance to leave the city, I would go to my house in the Hamptons and it was a bit more relaxing but I still felt alone. After that, I knew it wasn’t the Big Apple’s fault. It was my environment that was suffocating me with their materialistic way of life. What kills me the most is that they have had total control in my life. Society picked my school, my clothing, my therapist; they even choose what goes into my kitchen cabinet with the brands they choose for me. They have a tight grip on the steering wheel of my so called life.
I want to change that. I’m not one to complain without having a way to fix my own problems. For some time now I have been planning out the perfect escape from my world. It has to come to an end. I’m deeply sorry to have to involve you, but I need an audience.
If you have been keeping track, you would have noticed that I just took six anxiety pills. I am about to take my anti-depressive pill, the recommended dose of one. I never break that rule. Seven strong pills are in my body now. Seven, oh what a lucky number that is! All I need to break free of these chains is to have a glass of Vodka. Russians find warmth and shelter from the harsh severe weather in vodka and I find a way to ease the harshness of my life in this simple, clear, and powerful drink.
This will speed up the liberation process and I will soon be free. Essentially time is everything. I have less than an hour left and I can only think of one person to hang out with. Ana in the mirror is the only love I know and I heard you should spend your last moments in the eyes of the one who truly cares. Please don’t think I am selfish or that I am committing suicide. I am simply freeing myself from the chains I am tied to. “The Mother” won’t suffer and everyone will tell her “At least she died being beautiful”.
I’ve been planning this out perfectly for a very long time. I know what is to come ahead, and hell is no where near. I will now live life simply in a little dream.
My body is beginning to get weak, and I have thrown up all I could. Ana is here with me and I know I am in good hands. Now I just have a few moments left. Before I leave, I want to let you know I leave to a happy place:
Radiantly I will walk out into my next life. Intrepidly I will look forward to my new voyages and tenderly I will take care of myself and forcefully I will never be friends with Ana. Adroitly I will avoid all troubles I will live in my own exotic paradise.
Once again I am just a body taking up space and waiting on time. From birth to death, my life has been a ticking clock.
