Yesterday I went outside, ad the world seemed so strange. Now I have to stay here. I don’t want to go out there, all those eyes staring at me and watching. I thought after a week they may have forgotten, but they haven’t. The thoughts in my head are racing faster than ever and I just don’t understand why this has happened to e. My mind cannot fathom the discovery I’ve been through. I’m not designed for this. Don’t want to leave the house, but I still want things to be normal. I keep thinking about all the things that have made me different from everyone else. With all these differences how am I ever going to lead a normal life? I cannot buy anything, I have no money. Even now I don’t own anything. I’m paid for, like a small child. My captors support me. The ones who have put me through this pain pay my way and provide me with what I need still. Some people may think of it as a blessing. I’m famous all over the world, I have everything set up for me, I shall want for nothing. It’s not like that. If I wanted to get away I never could, I could never afford it. And even living in squalor I would not be able to fully escape. I would be recognised. I am a prisoner of my own face and I hardly feel that by writing this I am helping the matter. I just want to make it clear to people how I feel. Maybe then they will leave me alone and I won’t feel the burn on their looks on me again.
Do you know what its like? You will never feel the pain and the confusion I have felt in the last week. It’s something you cannot imagine. You can only really feel the way I do once you have been through the same as me, through hell. Everywhere I run there’s a barrier; as high as I jump I cannot reach the top, and that’s the only way I can describe it.
People say that your family are the closest friends you will ever have. But what does it feel like to learn that all those that you believed you shared your blood with are nothing but actors? I don’t think you can register how isolated if feels to be alone in the world with no one alike to you.
They keep telling me I need to go out, get some fresh air. But not even the air is fresh. It’s full of fumes, fake man-made chemicals. Much like the air I once breathed in that prison. It just doesn’t feel right. They tell me I need to live my life but how can I when they have always lived my life for me? I used to want to travel, but this sickness is making me feel like I want to stay still forever. I want to curl up and sleep until all of this is over. I could sleep a thousand years and I would still feel as though I was trapped.
It’s hard to imagine going from my insignificant self to this famous face. I feel like I’ve swapped bodies with someone else; this isn’t me. I’m something much simpler, things like this don’t happen to me. I’m just a normal person with a crazy life. A normal person with something horribly wrong happening to me. So do you judge me? You watched me all that time, you saw my every move. You should be free to judge me; you know the real me, more than I know myself. You analysed all I did, spoke about me and the way I move among your friends. You steered my mind and commanded it how you like. So tell me, why do I feel like this? Because only you must have the answer.
