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Unconscious Thoughts.

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Unconscious Thoughts As I sat there in the bathtub with a double-edged razor in my hand, my young body was relaxed and calm, but as I brought the razor near my wrists, my fingers were shaking so badly I had to put them back into the water for a few minutes until I had calmed down. Will I die? Is that what I want? I mean if I cut my wrists and lose consciousness and bleed to death will anybody find me? Or will I be stone dead before anyone notices that my soul has left this world? No one would miss me anyway! I reached for the steel blade and brought it steadily to my wrist, still hot from the bath water I sliced an inch long horizontal gash in my left wrist, and before I lost feeling in that hand I quickly proceeded to do the same to my right. As I looked at my severed wrists I could not believe I had actually done this to myself. I put my wrist down and watched the water near me slowly turn pink. I lifted my hand and, fascinated, watched my crimson blood pour down my arm. I touched the blood with my fingers and placed them slowly into my mouth, it was salty and slick. The blood was pouring at a tremendous speed as I slid deeper into the bath water, I held my hands up high and watched the thick, oozing blood cascade down my arm and into the murky bath water. ...read more.


Everything he did I did and everywhere I went he was. I found out he was 21 and called Matthew Harris, he worked as a landscape gardener and he came from a two parent family with four siblings, two brothers who were older than him and two sisters that were younger. I was nervous about telling him of my upbringing and my past but one night when we were alone in his apartment watching the television, he turned it off and looked at me and said, "Nat, why don't I ever here about your family? Why do you only talk of your job and your dreams to become a teacher? And us? Why never of your family?" As I looked into his eyes I wished he could see into my soul, I wished he just knew and that I wouldn't have to explain everything to him. But that wasn't going to happen, if I didn't tell him then he would never find out. So that night sitting on his sofa I explained how my mother had died and my father was an alcoholic and gave me into care. I then continued to tell him how when I was six one of the carers at the home had sat me down on her knee and told me my father had died of alcohol poisoning and how I didn't cry or feel sad I just said "thank you" and walked away. ...read more.


His mother the last time I had seen her had said to me, "It is better to have loved and to have lost, than to never have loved at all!" I'm not sure if that made her feel better but it certainly didn't help me. I was nearly 19 years old and all alone again. But this time I knew what it felt like to be alone. Before Matthew I had never known love and therefore did not know what I was missing. Now I know love I can't live without it without him. I opened my eyes, slowly at first. Not sure where I was. I looked down and saw the pool of blood I was now laying in. My wrists were pressed together which had miraculously stopped the bleeding, my gashes were black and swollen, but no longer fluid. This was it I can live or die! What do I have to live for? Nothing! If I die I might be with him, anything will be better than being here without him. I searched the bath water thick with my blood for the razor. I found it and brought it up to my wrists for the last time. As I brought the steel blade up to my wrist I slide it in deep pushing and pushing until I could no longer feel the pain. I did not slip off into unconsciousness this time, as it felt different, it felt final, it felt peaceful. Victoria Ann Thain ...read more.

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