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Why me?

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Why me? - Creative Writing Helen Allman ...And that's when I walked away, I don't think my stomach or my mind could've taken one second more of it. I literally couldn't believe my eyes and God knows I didn't want to. I wish it were a dream, I'd even settle for a nightmare but this there was no waking up to, this was real and it was happening to me. When I first joined the force I thought I could handle anything and everything, you know I was one of those people who could watch the most gruesome horror movie on Film Four and not blink an eyelid. Or watch my best mate throw up what seemed to be a hundred litres of lager after a night out without my stomach even twitching. But this was different, this wasn't some murder mystery on the box or a new horror movie out at the pics', this was real. This was reality in the police force. You hear about it everyday at work and how much they effect you and mess with your head especially when it's your first but you never understand till it happens to you yourself. ...read more.


But when all your fears come together and throw a surprise party just for you, when flashbacks come and haunt you every night and the slightest little reminder throws you into a panic attack, you have to think of yourself and what this has done to you and what it will continue to do to you for the rest of our life. Just goes round in my head over and over, why me? Why on my shift? Why couldn't it be someone else? Why won't it stop? Life has never been the same since then as I'm sure you all know, however great the trust is between me and the other person I just can't open up to them. I never could and I doubt I ever will, but this is my attempt. I knew if I did tell someone that they wouldn't understand and when I think about it, I wouldn't want them to. Even Steve and me can't talk about, I think we both want to but every time we try there is an awkward silence and even just seeing him brings it all back to me. ...read more.


That poor women, poor Lynda, she didn't deserve any of it. I'll go and pay my respects in the morning, lay the same flowers that I have done every year and cry the same tears that I do every night as I pray. By now you're all probably wondering why I'm writing all this and why now? Well as you are all fully aware I'm nearly eighty-six and I don't know how much time I've got left. So I just wanted to try and explain in brief what happened back then that made me into the scared, frail man that you see today. I hope that it hasn't affected you a tenth of what it has for me. I'm sorry for not being able to be strong for my grandchildren and for myself, please forgive that. Don't be sad when I'm gone because hopefully heaven will be the one place that that day will not affect me. I love you all and thank you with all my heart for putting up with me over these hard years. Look after each other and be happy. Dave ...read more.

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