Why not visit Pakistan? Commentary on my writing.

The first 200 words of this essay...

My travel journal targets prospective travellers to Pakistan or the secondary audience is people who are generally fascinated in travelling. The primary purpose of my travel journal is to inform the audience about the issues in Pakistan. In addition, the secondary purpose is to entertain the audience.

Firstly, I have used an engaging exclamatory opening "Problematic Pakistan!" In addition, it is also alliterative. I modified this in my drafting process from a question as I wanted to introduce my point straightaway.

Furthermore, like my style model I have employed 1st person pronoun narrative. To elaborate:"I would be lying to you if I said that I was not eagerly anticipating a visit to my ancestor's country". This phrase effectively provides a personal outlook to the travel journal so readers are reassured as the writer has an experience. Furthermore, the use of second person pronoun "you'll" is skilful as it engages the audience's attention and establishes them directly into the text; thus making it more personal. Moreover the use of contracted word form makes the text more colloquial-therefore more likely the audience will be able to understand. This is employed because colloquial language is commonly used in spoken discourse.