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Write the words of an article for a teenager magazine in which you describe your best teacher, explaining what and how your teacher taught you.

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Introduction

Write the words of an article for a teenager magazine in which you describe your best teacher, explaining what and how your teacher taught you. You're probably thinking that she has no sense of style; wearing the same overweight top for the past three days- well she was kind of like that. Or maybe she was one of those 'four- eyed' cranky freak which did nothing but scream. But no! She wasn't. I didn't care what those immature, snobby, jealous people thought. She was my best friend, my hero and most importantly my teacher. She didn't have to know her Latin; or her two times table to be a teacher; they just need to show their support and she showed hers which will always be buried in my heart. ...read more.

Middle

"MAKE-UP, of course we go on about each other's hair, makeup, boys, come on. Your girls" Well, your all wrong. That's the last thing we ever talked about, even though her hair wasn't as beautiful as her mind this didn't affect how much she meant to me. But still, I didn't care what anyone thought of her. She taught me important stuff in life, things which could never be forgotten. Everything she done was things I admired. She was like a telepathic book, she would go into my head and throw out brain cells which will make me want to open my eyes and read. It was like she stuck pegs in my eyes just to keep them open. ...read more.

Conclusion

I learnt to respect; to trust, and; most importantly to believe. A teacher could be anyone, maybe someone who had an impact in your life, or even someone who taught you (hate to say this) how to apply make-up on. Their still a teacher and mine was just amazing. I will never forget what she taught me, it's like a tattoo on my heart which could never fade away. She left Britain due to her career; and even then she taught me how to say goodbye. Even though she left, I still feel as though her shadow hasn't left, and is awaiting me to find it. She injected me with her power, and I'm going to use it to teach others, the same way as she taught me. ...read more.

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Response to the question

This is a Writing to Explain task, and the candidate here has been asked to explain, as if they were writing to a magazine aimed at teenagers, what they love about a certain teacher. This candidate has explained very clearly ...

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Response to the question

This is a Writing to Explain task, and the candidate here has been asked to explain, as if they were writing to a magazine aimed at teenagers, what they love about a certain teacher. This candidate has explained very clearly what they love about a certain teacher, but in doing so the explanation comes across as simple adulation and little else. There is evidence enough to suggest this candidate is operating a low/middle C grade as the writing content, whilst answering the question somewhat, is not entirely appropriate to a teacher - is it really acceptable for a teacher to hug a student regularly? Also, it might have served the candidate better had they not assumed the position of someone spited by the stereotype of girls and their make-up when trying to consider the counter-argument, as this means the candidate shoots her own foot, as it were, because she ridicules others who have a different opinion to her and in doing so, does not present a balanced, well-informed explanation.

Level of analysis

The Level of Explanation here is abundant, but the quality is quite low. The introduction was snappy and intriguing, and caught my attention with the use of a variety of sentences syntaxes and length variation ("But no! She wasn't. (sic)"), and I also like the use of Second Person address ("Yes! I know very well what you're all thinking about. (sic)"). But alas, this trails off very quickly into what becomes quite a ridiculous answer whereby the candidate merely lists reasons for her love of this teacher, without even giving her name or which subject she teaches. Perhaps this is a useful tactic; that the candidate does not feel the need to consider the teacher's occupation as she is addressing the teacher as more of a friend? However, this is not part of the task and even if it was, this should be considered as it ties in synonymously with an explanation of a teacher.
A lot of the language used here isn't particularly convincing either, and so the potency of the explanation does quite the opposite and leave many holes. "I learnt to respect; to trust, and; most importantly to believe (sic)" - Believe what? This is where the candidate falls down most (ignoring their awful Quality of Written Communication) because this is an example of somewhere in the essay where there is no explanation given, and this is counter-productive to the task set.

Quality of writing

The Quality of Written Communication is very poor. There is a clear attempt to use semi-colon but not a single one of them is used correctly. Semi-colon are used to link two stand-alone main clauses that are very closely linked, or to list items that consist of larger phrases. The two main clauses could also, if desired by the writer, stand separated by full stops and still make perfect grammatical sense e.g. Jason likes football; he played professionally for a few years - both sentences make sense if separated by full stops and also read fluidly when separated by a semi-colon. The list example: My shopping list consists of lemons for the meringue pie for Mark; a carton of orange juice; eggs, bacon and sausages for breakfast tomorrow and some rabbit food. However, "Don't you just want a teacher to be fun; interesting, and; hyperactive?" is plainly wrong - not even the commas are required. The only punctuation required in that above quote is the apostrophe in "Don't" and the question mark. To correct this, I can only suggest that this candidate becomes familiar with how to correctly use more advanced punctuation as right now it makes their answer far harder to read and if this compromises the intended meaning of the essay response then the examiner will mark the answer down.


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Reviewed by sydneyhopcroft 06/03/2012

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