The endless montages and recaps were separated by a few songs and, according to the voice-over man, “superstars” – well, one superstar plus Michael bublé.
Cowell sweeps through some double doors and declares it the “closest competition ever” in an obvious attempt to get more votes, resulting in a new yacht maybe?
As we sit comfortably in our fluffy pyjamas waiting for a chance to snigger at Cheryl Cole’s ridiculous outfits, Dermot skips across the stage accompanied by a vast array of fireworks. Were all disappointed as Cheryl actually wears something decent, well, decent compared to that scalextric track she wore a few weeks back. None of the other judges had much to flaunt though, Louis was sporting his usual bow tie, original as ever. Dannii was dressed in a classy gold frock and comfortably wins the fashion showdown of this series. Her understated, classy wardrobe only made Cheryl Coles gowns look even more chivvy. And Simon, well he always looks the same.
Dermot tells us he has something special for us, sadly he’s not quitting, instead it’s “never forget” night and all the favourites are back. There’s humble Danyl with a long face as always, and who could forget Rikki and Lucie? Well, all of us really.
Miss Frank is still together though, although Graziella looks like she’s been comfort eating since they got voted out. Rachel manages the whole set without falling over and little Lloyd is still cuter than a whole kennel of Andrex puppies. Jedward jump on stage, but are only allowed to sing one line, for obvious reasons.
Kandy Rain were there with their assortment of slutty frocks, rivalling Cheryl’s, and Jamie Afro is back in his out-of-date flares which probably contradict Louis’ rules.
All the ‘not good enough’ rejects are dressed in black, yet our two finalists are clad in pure white, I wonder what this is supposed to represent?
When that’s all over, Dermot reckons “we almost forgot about Jedward”. Actually – no, he rams the phone lines down our throats and introduces an epic ten minute recap of last night. And of course, there’s nothing new at all.
Dermot once again PLEADS for our votes, as if our 35p’s (considerably more from a mobile) are going to feed malnourished third world children rather than add a few more zeros to Cowell’s already bulging pocket.
Cowell introduces Olly who has chosen to sing ‘Twist and Shout’ as his favourite performance of the series, but didn’t he do that last night?
Olly, naturally, wants to fulfil his dream. He reckons he’s ‘this close’ to becoming an ‘international success’. Oh, I’m sure he is if ‘this close’ means from here to the moon. He twists and shouts as promises, and its pretty much the same as last time he did it. Where are the Christmas songs?
And of course theres the 40 year old mothers in the audience screaming ‘Olly to win’ loud enough to blow the TV speakers.
Joe is singing ‘don’t stop believing’ and what’s there to say really? As with all Joe’s performances, it’s a competent vocal, although I don’t think his voice suits the song. At all. Joes like a 17 year old cliff Richard, and that can’t be good. He’ll end up with a love for naff cardigans and Christian folk music before he’s even 20.
Then there were the special guests. Alexandra Burke, JLS and Leona, filling up a good 15 minutes.
After the ads, Olly sings ‘the climb’, and with no crappy dancing to back up his even crappier voice, we realise that he really can’t sing at all.
The judges have inhaled something illegal though and think it’s brilliant. At the end of those long 2 hours, or what felt like that anyway, the show finally reaches its climax. Joe’s crowned winner and Olly looks like he’s about to throw something. After the over-the-top fireworks and the never ending hugs, X Factors finally over.
I wonder what they’ll throw at us next year.
