For this assignment I am going to discuss bereavement. First I will discuss how bereavement has affected Jerzy, whilst applying it to theory, then I will do the same for Helen.

The death of a spouse has to be one of the most stressful changes you will ever experience. Your spouse was probably the most important person in your life, possibly for many years. You may not remember much of your single life before you were married; now you must live with the loss.

Jerzy has been through a lot with his wife, Word War Two, refugee status in three different countries before settling down in England. When somebody dies after a long illness, the time which leads up to death is often difficult for those who care for them. When you lose somebody as a result of a long, wasting illness such as cancer, it is often very hard to keep the reality alive in your mind of what this person was once like. Death in the end may seem a relief, and this feeling can conflict with the sadness that you always expected to feel

Living with Grief by Dr Tony Lake (1984) London, Sheldon Press

Jerzy is suffering from distorted bereavement, which describes an exaggerated aspect of grieving, commonly anger or guilt, which prevents the expression of other feelings such as sorrow and yearning. This is often linked to the sense of desertion when the relationship with the deceased was a dependent one. Jerzy became dependent on his son after his wife died. He had no interest in life and he neglected himself, his son took time off work to look after his affairs, this included a weekly bath as well as some other personal care. Now Jerzy has lost his only child, the effects of an only child dying is very dramatic. In the eyes of society, Jerzy is no longer a parent, no longer a family; the direct line of genetic descent has come to an end. The enduring pain of losing a child, cannot be measured, so it is not possible to say that it is more or less painful to lose a child suddenly or after a long debilitating illness; nor can it be assumed that the age of the child determines the intensity of the emotions. The reaction of a child dying by accident is: shock, anger and disbelief. Denial of what happened is a natural defence and initially helps the traumatized system to cope. However, if the denial persists, the bereaved person will supper from extreme anxiety and risks long term mental health problems.

On the Death of a child by Celia Hindmarch, 2nd Edition, (2000) Oxon, Radcliffe Medical Press Ltd.

Even though it is a universal experience, most people do not like change. They have a limited capacity to accept it. People actually fear change because it is a threat to their basic security needs. Virtually all religions bring a deeper awareness of the meaning of life and most of them offer a way of looking at death. Some religions stress that there is a continuing relationship of those who die with those who live.

Recovery from Loss, A Personalized Guide to the Grieving ...

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On the Death of a child by Celia Hindmarch, 2nd Edition, (2000) Oxon, Radcliffe Medical Press Ltd.

Recovery from Loss, A Personalized Guide to the Grieving Process by Lewis Tagliaferre and Gary L. Harbaugh, PH.D. (1990) Floriday, Health Communication, Inc.

Grieving for somebody who has died a sudden, unexpected death, Helen Husband, can be especially difficult. Things are left unsaid. There are no goodbyes. The unexpected death of a person can make us feel not just lonely and incomplete but also a feeling of having being rejected from the event, we feel cheated and excluded. We awaken a horror inside us that our loved ones went through so much torment and we were not there, Helen may be feeling guilty that she was not there for her husband, so she is making a conscious effort to be there for his father, that may be why she is scaling down her work commitments to devote more time to his care. The violence of a death can be reflected in a violent grieving, full of angry self-rejection and guilt.

Living with Grief by Dr Tony Lake (1984) London, Sheldon Press

When a partner dies it can tame many months for the survivor to realize how much is lost. When the loss is sudden (Helen husband) it may take some time for the reality of the loss to sink in. Regret and self-criticism may also occur when the survivor thinks back over the relationship. A bereaved partner has to struggle with the very considerable burden of dealing with their own major loss, and responding to the individual needs of the bereaved father in-law who has lost his wife after a long illness, nine months ago, now he has lost his only child.

A situation can arise in which there is competition for the role of “prime griver”. This can occur in particular where the parent have not accepted the relationship that their son or daughter has formed.

Living with Grief and Mourning by James Moorey (1995) Manchester, Manchester University Press.

Predictable grief reactions – these are described by the American psychologist William Worden as both clinically predictable and common across the whole spectrum of the grieving experience. Feelings of numbness, sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety, despair, loneliness, powerlessness, yearning, freedom and relief.

There are four phases of grief:

Denial, features are shock, disbelief and sense of unreality, the task is to accept the reality of the loss.

Pain/Distress, features are hurt, anger, guilt, worthlessness and searching, the tasks are to experience the pain of grief.

Realisation, features are depression, apathy and fantasy, the tasks are to adjust to life without the deceased.

Adjustment, features are readiness to engage in new activities and relationships, the tasks are to relocate emotional energy elsewhere.

On the Death of a child by Celia Hindmarch, 2nd Edition, (2000) Oxon, Radcliffe Medical Press Ltd.

Things around Jerzy and Helen have been changing since your bereavement, you have accepted some changes, but until the crisis you have not sufficiently faced up to your own need to change. How have you changed since your bereavement, you may have changed physically for example you may have lost or gained some weight, due to the worry caused by the situation that led up to the bereavement. Has your behavior changed? Do you treat people differently? Jerzy has been neglecting himself for some time, his son has become Jerzy’s personal carer, now that his son has gone, Jerzy has been making demands on Helen, he has always considered women to attend to the needs of the men folk in the household, is this a polish custom? Helen is considering scaling down her work commitments is this partly due to loss of confidence, her husband may have been her rock, supporting her in everything, now he is gone she may have lost some of her confidence. Also, the feelings that Helen and Jerzy is feeling may be: angry, afraid, worried, you did not deserved what happened to you, it’s unfair why you? The future is now uncertain, you will never be able to love again or to trust again, you want to wake up and fine that none of it has happened. Isolation from other people is one of the most damaging and most lasting effects of bereavement, it can take may forms, even with family around you, you can still feel isolated. This is because you feel a need to withdraw from people, to hold back from close contact, they won’t understand or appreciate your special grief. Bereavement may take control of your life away from you, but grieving starts to being it back again. From the start, bereavement, and then grief, place considerable strain no only on the resources of those closest to the person who has died, but also on those assistance is needed. Grief sometimes start before the death of the person who is loved, Jerzy wife. (1,333 words)

Living with Grief by Dr Tony Lake (1984) London, Sheldon Press