However, on this particular morning, I heard screams of anguish as I walked past the house and , worried as I was for the poor Bear family, decided to knock on the door to see-“
“OBJECTION!” cried the Bear family’s lawyer, a smartly dressed man with a top hat and black jacket and trousers, with white shirt and long, ivory cane for, I quote, ‘professionalism.’
“Granted…” Groaned the Judge, evidently engrossed in Ms. Locks gripping tale.
“As any member of the bear family will tell you,” claimed the lawyer, “no knock was heard at any-time during the entire day!”
“That is irrelevant, as the fact of the matter is if there were a person screaming inside a house, and they were the only ones in there, would you expect them to get up and answer the door if you knocked? No! Then I deduce that the fact that Ms. Locks entered, to make sure the bear was okay, was merely a good deed, and whether she knocked on the door is irrelevant! Over-ruled! Please, Ms. Locks, continue.” Stated a somewhat over-excited Judge.
“Certainly your honour” replied Goldy, it now being her turn to glare at the Bear family, before giving them a small, quick smile and continuing her tale. “As I was saying, I knocked on the door but found no reply. Therefore, I tried the door and found it open. Still hearing the cries of the presumed bear, I entered quietly and closed the door behind me. I went into the first room, which was the kitchen, and all I saw were three bowels of porridge. I went over to them, and placed a finger in one of the bowels, to see if someone had recently frequented the room, but it was stone cold. I then dipped my finger into the next bowel and found this warm, and the last was piping hot! I burnt my finger on it… actually, maybe I can sue for that too… oh, I’ll wait f or the counter-sue to bring that one up. Also, on the counter next to that room was a recipe for ‘Bear Bread’, but scribbled at the bottom in crayon was ‘MoRe TomaTOe Kechup’, and the exact same thing was written at the bottom of several other recipes. Obviously someone likes tomato ketchup.
Anyway, I proceeded to the next room where I found three, yes THREE baths, full of water. Once again, so as to see if anyone had recently frequented the area, but I found the same thing; one cold, one warm and one hot. Very mysterious. However, nothing could have prepared me for what I saw in the next room. I walked in, and there was blood everywhere! It was all over the T.V, DVD player, Stereo Dolby 5.1 sound system, everything! More disturbing though, was that on the worktop there was a bowl of blood, where someone was obviously going to eat it. This massacring was atrocious, and whoever did it must be apprehended, so I did the good thing and, after putting on some latex gloves, decided to remove all of this equipment to take to the police station for forensic testing on the blood and any possible finger-prints. I finally managed to stack It all up, and just as I was walking under the doorway, into the hall, I saw the most viscous, fearsome bear you ever could see! He has blood all down his front and all round his mouth, and he stood there and glared at me! I then dropped all of the equipment I was carrying, and tried to escape the monstrosity of a beast, but as I ran past him to the freedom of the forest, his claw caught me with what could have been a fatal blow had I not immediately hobbled to a nearby stream to clean the wound which most likely had been infected with countless diseases from t he bears positively unhygienic claws! And that bear? That bear, is sitting right… THERE!” As Goldy screamed that, she pointed straight at a flabbergasted Dave Bear, the youngest of the bears on trial at only 17.
“I think…” I Judge began, “That maybe we should hear your side of the story, Dave Bear”, although he added to his official “as if it’s even necessary!”
“Erm, okay.” Replied the slow, simple bear. He worked on the farm everyday except for Saturday’s and Sunday’s, which he spent at home. For the rest of the week, he worked on Papa Bears farm behind their cottage in the forest. He dropped out of school in Year 2, because he was bullied almost to the point of suicide, being as he was the only bear there. He was, as a result, illiterate, albeit extremely strong and he was a pleasant-natured bear, but he does have the tendency to be a bit messy with his food. . And he had an unnerving love for tomato ketchup…
He stood up to the bench and swore an oath of truth on the bible, when he began his account of the day. “I was sitting in the chair in the living room, eating my tomato ketchup an-“
“OBJECTION!” cried, this time, Ms. Lock’s lawyer.
“Granted” replied the Judge in an over-enthusiastic, agreeing kind of way, as if to say that, had the defendants lawyer not pleaded objection, the judge himself may have.
“Are you trying to say, that you eat tomato ketchup on its own?” demanded the lawyer.
“Erm, well, er, yes. I eat other things too, when I work on the farm, but when I’m at home I just love tomato ketchup. Okay, where was I… oh, yes, I was eating my ketchup, and watching the Wimbledon Tennis finals, it was Serena Williams Vs. Venus Williams an-”
“Your honour?” This time it was the Bears lawyer that interrupted. “I would just like to state that, owing to the enthusiastic way they play tennis, it was most likely the g roans of these two professional athletes playing tennis that arose Ms. Lock’s suspicion, not a bear screaming in pain. Thank you. Carry on, Dave.”
“Erm, right. Yeah, so I watching the tennis, but it was time for my bath, so I turned off the TV and walked out and up the stairs, to go and get my rubber duck for t he bath. However, when I came down I saw Ms. Locks holding my television, DVD player and sound-system! I was confused, but I knew she was stealing my things, so as she ran passed I took a swipe at her! I got her a lot harder than I meant to, really I did.” Sobs began to emanate from the big brown bundle of fluff now frequenting the witness box, and he was led back to his bench by a burley security guard, who was, however, dwarfed by the large sobering bear.
“Okay, we have heard both sides of the story now, and you may now say your ending statements.” Communicated the judge, and then added, in the friendliest and softest voice possible, “You may go first, Ms. Locks.”
The young girl stood up and began to speak to the Jury. “Is it a crime to try to help the community by supplying them with evidence which may catch a murderer? If so, then I am guilty. And is it also a crime to try to help thy neighbour as thyself, upon hearing their cries for help? If so, then again, I am guilty. But one thing I am not guilty of, members of the jury, is Theft! I am no cold blooded burglar, but a girl, concerned for her grandmother and her neighbours.” Weeps could be heard coming from her general direction, but she had held her face in her hands as she walked back to h er bench. “Thank you, Jury.”
As all eyes in the court turned back to the Judge, he was seen to be quickly placing a handkerchief back into a pocket, where only moments before it had been rubbing the tears from his eyes. “Very well down, Ms. Locks, I know this has been a very distressing time for you. Now its your turn, Dave Bear.”
Instead of the bear standing up, however, his lawyer did, and he began to speak, slowly at first, but gradually gaining pace. “Have none of you wondered why Goldy Locks did not just tell the police so t hat they could go round, as she was going there anyway. Oh, did she forget to mention that she has 36, yes THIRTY-SIX, previous criminal offences ranging from pick-pocketing to full blown burglary. She has to report to the station every Saturday morning to her parole officer to make sure she isn’t up to anything! Remember, Jury, that Dave is an uneducated, clumsy bear, and that doesn’t mix terribly well with Tomato Ketchup, let me tell you. So, that ‘blood’ that Goldy Locks saw wasn’t blood at all; it was tomato ketchup! Please remember this; Dave was doing only what any goodly citizen was doing in protecting his family, his property and his pride!”
* * *
“Has the jury reached a verdict?” enquired the court official, to the head of the jury.
“Yes we have. We find the defendant… Guilty!”
“What?!?” replied the Bears solicitor, [who obviously only gains commission on victories] but he could hardly be heard amongst the supporters of Goldy, and Godly herself, celebrating.
“But… But it’s ridiculous! She took their possessions without asking! That’s theft in anyones books!” Pleaded the lawyer to the judge.
“Aaaah, but your forgetting something!” replied the judge in a smooth, ‘ha-ha-I’m-the-king-of-the-castle-and-your-a-dirty-rascal kind of way.
“Oh yeah, what’s that?” challenged the lawyer.
“This is the British ‘judicial’ system! Just because your right doesn’t mean that you will win the case, or that the end result will make any sense at all!
“Oh yeah. Fair enough.” Replied the lawyer, who, at that moment, made the conscious decision to move to Italy, or maybe Sicily.
Daniel Grover 10 Red