Cows and Governments.

Cows and Governments

FEUDALISM: You own two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You own two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You own two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need. You and the ex-chicken farmers die of thirst or hunger.

FASCISM: You own two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You own two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You own two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CHINESE COMMUNISM: You own two cows. The government only lets you have one, so you abandon the other in the street, where it is left for three days, before someone disposes of it.

DICTATORSHIP: You own two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

SCHOOL POLITICS: You own two cows. Your matron finds them in your cupboard. She gives you a good ticking off and tries to keep it from the housemaster. The housemaster sees you down town with them and gives you an extra lesson, but tries to keep it from the headmaster. The headmaster hears about them, he considers expelling you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in your bed-sit. He then changes his mind … and puts you back in the school, taking a week off school holidays, banning summer dress and smiling incessantly and benignly.

MILITARIANISM: You own two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You own two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You own two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

MONARCHISM: You own two cows. You give half of your milk to the royal family, who in turn build roads, houses, schools and hospitals with it, and, of course, rule the country.

BRITISH MONARCHISM: You own two cows. You give half of your milk to the royal family, who in ...

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MILITARIANISM: You own two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You own two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You own two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

MONARCHISM: You own two cows. You give half of your milk to the royal family, who in turn build roads, houses, schools and hospitals with it, and, of course, rule the country.

BRITISH MONARCHISM: You own two cows. You give half of your milk to the royal family, who in turn smile arrogantly.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate."

WELSH DEMOCRACY: You own two cows. A cow 200 miles away, but in the same county gets poorly. The government burns your cows.

ENGLISH DEMOCRACY: You own two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

IRISH DEMOCRACY: You own two cows. One plants a bomb killing three hens. He is sentenced to jail for 5 years for murder, then excused from serving his sentence and is labelled a freedom fighter.

SCOTTISH DEMOCRACY: You own two cows. After years of campaigning and protesting, the cows are eventually given their own independent government. However, after a few months, both cows decide that in fact they were a lot better off before hand.

INDIAN DEMOCRACY: You own two cows. Laws are passed dec laring cows as higher beings than humans. Two cows own you.

FRENCH DEMOCRACY: You own two cows. The government decides that to promote French culture, cows must be French for at least 4 hours a day. Almost all cows are French between 2 and 6 in the morning.

SOUTH AFRICAN DEMOCRACY: You own two cows. The black cow is discriminated against. Two hundred years later, the black cow ejects the white cow forcibly from its prominent position in its field, and steals its grass. The black cow feels sorry for the white cow and invites it back. They both live in perfect harmony for the rest of their lives.

COLUMBIAN DEMOCRACY: You own two cows. A vicious milk gang forces you to withdraw all the milk you can from your cows at gun-point, then forces you to milk them again as soon as another withdrawal can be made, whereupon they shoot you and your cows.

LIBERAL DEMOCRACY: You own two cows. One actually knows his country well, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."

(ITALIAN) BUREAUCRACY: You own two cows. The government takes your cows. You ask for your cows back. It requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows with 3 passport-sized photos of each cow, each of their signatures and a stamped addressed envelope, along with 2 rather pointless looking stamps called “marco bollos”. Three months later you phone up the government agency for the repossession of cattle, they assure you that the cows are in the post. You phone up again after another three months and they leave you on hold every time you phone in, or redirect you to a non-existing agency called the secretariat of bovine postal. You demonstrate outside their office for three months, after which they ask for written proof that the cows want to belong to you, stamped by the president of the non-existing secretariat of bovine postal and signed by the missing cows, you decide to desist from taking action. Three months later you receive two old sheep. Three months later they both die. The government asks you to fill out forms explaining the death of the sheep and charge you a grossly over-priced sheep death tax. In recompense for the problems caused, you are offered a government grant if you become owner of 12 or more unemployed chickens past egg-bearing age, whereupon you give up farming.

ANARCHY: You own two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours try to kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM: You own two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. You breed cows, selling their milk for extortionate prices. Eventually you expand your cow empire to the restaurant sector, setting up an international burger bar chain, using packaging produced in a third world country by starving infants. You finally globalise all cultures, establishing an international Mc Language and take over the world. Bwahahahaaaa…

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You own two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You own two cows. The government bans you from milking, killing, feeding or touching them. They consequently die. You are thrown in prison for crimes against the earth … man.

FEMINISM: You own two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

SURREALISM: You own two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

TOTALITARIANISM: You own two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.