“Gee, I could do with a break, d’you think you could pedal for a while?”
“Hey,” replied the angered Jim, “Am I paying for this or you?”
“Well, if it wasn’t for your generation using up all the gas I’d have studied to be a lawyer or sumthin'”
“Just drive you peevish flap-mouthed hedge-pig.”
“I better get a tip for this…” the driver mumbled.
“Welcome to the Renewable Energy Flight Service. Passengers are now asked to fill up the internal combustion engine using the standard four farts. Any subsequent additions to the standard four shall be multiplied by three, and the cost deducted from your flight.”
“This is your auto-pilot speaking. We are now ready for take-off. Please return to your seats and prepare for the flight. A safety video shall be played to show all passengers the routines used in the very, very, unlikely case of an accident. Please enjoy the in-flight movie – Rainforest: Return of the Eco-warriors, episode 143.”
Three hours, four government promotional videos, and a shot of gin later, and Jim arrived in Sector 7, sprayed the autopilot a stint of oil (a very prestigious tip to befall any machine) and paid for his flight. As he wove his way down the garden to the donation-free shop, Jim saw his host holding out a card, which had on it in block capitals, “JIM BOREE.” Striding over, and very skilfully dodging charity workers after more money, Jim gave a greeting nod which was bluntly returned with the raising of an old mans hand. Jim took the hint and followed his strange host in silence. As he followed, he noticed some unsettling features about this man. For a start, he was wearing a smart suit but had a robe draped over the top, perhaps to disguise his head and the fact that he was dressed smartly.
“Okay. Here we are.” He urgently whispered.
“What’s with all the secrecy?” I asked him.
“You idiot! Don’t leave your bottle of oil hanging out your pocket like that! This neighbourhood’s so bad they ask you for your head size when you go to buy a pair of tights…”
“Very funny, but seriously why have you dragged me to this place anyway?”
“Step inside,” he said. “You’re the only one I could think to trust after I discovered how crooked my associates are.”
Jim stepped in out of curiosity, as if this was any other type of similar situation he would have probably scurried away hurriedly.
“Didn’t catch your name back there…?”
“Didn’t throw it. My name isn’t an issue but as you’re so interested, call me Billy.”
“OK, Billy, what is it you wanted?”
By now Jim had taken the assumption that Billy was either a complete weirdo or someone with a very big secret to hide. He sat himself on a nearby chair and waited in anxiety for what he was about to hear.
“For years now, 69 years to be exact; I have been witness to the biggest conspiracy ever witnessed by mankind. Slowly this whole disgusting plot has been uncovered and I have had to hide myself away for fear of my life in these slums.”
“Everybody was paid off, everyone damned it!”
“Newspapers, the monarchy, my own employees!”
“Go on.”
“The world you see today, as we both know, is very different to the one of the past.”
“The new millennium they called it. A new beginning. Ha! If only everyone knew then.”
Jim had to intervene.
“But we did know. The Antarctic melted because of Global Warming and everywhere was flooded, Britain was the only country left.”
“And how do you think we have maintained resources to keep us going up until today? I thought you had more depth Jim. You were told the Antarctic melted, and by who? The media.”
“Surely Jim, even you know that if the Antarctic melted Britain would be the first casualty because of its geographic location. Let me tell you what really happened…”
“As you may remember 2001 was an election year and a certain opposition, I mean political party, looked set to win. Here is were the corruption began. Slowly, but gradually, leading up to the election one of the parties, using government money, bribed everyone in power and set up a widespread election rig. As you may know they called themselves the Conservative Party after the election but emerged with a new leader and Cabinet. Everyone assumed the Conservatives had won and life went on. But then the environmental revolution began. You were all told that America had been flooded and oil had run out due to George Bush pumping it all out of the ground. Yet another lie that you were forced to believe thanks to the bribed newspapers. The truth was that the MP’s involved were slightly biased towards the environmental party. I’m sorry to tell you but the real winners of the 2001 election were a certain Green Party. Thousands of students organised the biggest scam ever using their college grants and student loans to finally win the biggest protest yet. I was then forced to make a resignation speech and the new leader labelled me a criminal for allegedly attempting to assassinate Tony Blair, who was bumped off, and a 2 million pound reward was placed on my head - dead or alive. It is since then that I have worn this robe and attempted to talk normal.”
Jim sat in anticipation and baited breath,
“You mean you’re…”
“William Hague. Tory party leader. Judo green belt.”
“Sorry, got a bit carried away there; haven’t spoken to many people over the years.”
“Uh, well, what can we do about this…?” Jim gasped.
“Absolutely nothing. Up above all these sectors is a plate containing millions of trees and the Green Party HQ. I have infiltrated it once in my younger days after the reward hunt died down and I was presumed dead. There’s probably still people looking for me to this day…”
“You should see it up there, it’s terrible! Non-stop speakers blasting out some techno garbage while students with long sideburns sit around smoking and drinking. There is nothing we can do, as nobody has believed me up until now. I have posted many letters to magazines, even yours, all of which have not been published through fear of breaking the law.”
“Wait a minute. Something doesn’t add up! What happened to the wig you bought?”
“Erm, well you see. Oh what the heck I’ll just tell you the truth. You see, I couldn’t stand to be completely robbed of my identity, what with the speech lessons and covered up suit; so I sold it for the finest meal I’ve ever had, a chicken vindaloo from ‘Rajeed’s Take-Away’”
“Look what’s happened to me! You must join my side and help me abolish the Green Party forever. Think of the benefits. You could be Shadow Chancellor if you liked…”
“How can I trust you?”
“You must trust me. I’m a politician!”
Jim thought back to all his worries in life and his three children. The world they had grown up in had all been a sham. Their lives merely part of a huge conspiracy! Their right to drive a car abolished! Never again would they be able to climb a conker tree for fear of being sued, or listen to normal music! Nevertheless, what could he do? Slowly, and carefully Jim raised a sharp knife out of his pocket…
Epilogue
Unfortunately Jim’s life was brought to a halt as he attacked Mr. Hague. Out of nowhere, Effion Hague grabbed Jim and William Hague delivered a fatal judo chop. William had given up all hope of overthrowing the Green Party until a new revolutionary thinker stepped in after recovering from the shock of being booted out of the cabinet. The scene was sheer chaos as one woman invaded the student hideout and locked them up in asylum detention centres forever. Anne Widecombe took her place as leader of the corrupt Tory Party and proceeded to bring the country back to normal as trees were cut down, oil powered, reliable trains and planes brought back into service, and the life expectancy cut back down to 36 with the introduction of the old hospital service. William Hague was left to rest in peace as he died two years later, shot by a new criminal Michael Portillo, who claimed his 2 million pound prize.
