“You’re the most unreligous person I know. You don’t even go to church !”
“I just called to give you the heads up. Don’t be surprised when you hear people talking about it don’t be amazed. Bye.” He said as he was hanging up. He heard Silvie grumble something as he hung up, but he didn’t care. He went about thinking up names for his church and finally came up with the name “ The legion of Life and Love”. Kia then went on line and e-mailed a leaflet with questions like
“What do you want to happen to you?
a)Sit in heaven forever eating your favorite goodies surrounded by famous and glamourous people or
b)Be roasted over eternal fires while being prodded by ugly creatures with pitchforks.
If (a) join the Legion of Life and Love”. By noon he got a massive response of people wanting to become parishioners. He was amazed at how gullible people are.
Later that day, he went walking around the town with a notice around his neck saying, “I am the light”, while holding a sixty watt lightbulb powered by a hidden battery in his hand. The people of his home town were not spiritually orientated, so he hoped to use that to his advantage. The response was colossal. People flocked to him asking about his philosophy and how to become a member of his congregation. The naivety shown be the people left him elated but dumbstruck He realized quickly that he could prey on these peoples needs to believe in something. As joyful as he was ,he knew he had not gotten away with it yet. He had found a warehouse to hold his church, but he still had to overcome his biggest obstacle. He had to pull of a sermon.
Kia had set up his first sermon for seven a.m. Sunday morning, for as he told people, that was the holy hour. In actuality the reason for this was to get them there before the had a chance to spend their money elsewhere. His church was huge with long aisles of wooden benches and plastic flowers everywhere. The room was heavily perfumed with incense and the walls were painted a lovely shade of green. He started his sermon by claiming that he was the recipient of the ‘immortal wisdom’ via the ‘great chain of being’ stretching from the great ‘prophets of old’.
He then said all he required of them was their unconditional worship. Hearing this, Silvie thought her friend was going mad. Then, to her complete and utter amazement, people began clapping. That trend continued for weeks. Then one week, he decided to tell them that to truly serve him, they must give 35 percent of their earnings. Gradually they began doing this.
At this point Silvie could bare it no longer. She felt she had no other alternative than to bring in the police. She went to their main office in the upper part of town. It was a large, gray building in the center of town. There were cameras everywhere and the place seemed like secret undercover government agency. Luckily the commissioner was free so she was allowed to go straight up. Inside the walls were lined ceiling to floor with plaques. It was tastefully decorated and boasted a hint of arrogance. All of the decor seemed to be saying,”Been there, done that, so what?” Once past all the formalities, she informed the commissioner of the situation. He was dressed in a sharp navy blue, pin striped suit. He had handsome grey eyes that seemed deep and profound and at that moment she had some of the most unholy thoughts that she ever thought possible. In an official manner he stated he would get right on the matter.
Kia heard a knock on his door at quarter past eight. Thinking it to be another one of his adoring followers coming to donate more to the “church”,he bustled to open it. Instead of an adoring follower though, it turned out to be two uniformed policemen waiting impatiently at the door. “Goodnight would you be so kind as to grace us with your presence down at the precinct o’ “recipient of immortal wisdom”?” said the tall Cuban officer sarcastically. Since Kia had anticipated that some concern might concerning his unorthodox church, he went willing.
When he arrived at the building,he was impressed at how organized and efficient the department seemed to be. Because of the delicacy of the situation, he was taken to the commissioner for questioning. It had to be dealt with tactfully. Unfortunately,this was not the commissioners specialty.
“Good, you’re here.” said the commissioner bluntly. He had had a bad afternoon and was not in the mood for nonsense. “It has come to my attention that you are running a very interesting church or what I would call a cult. I have..”
“I am not running a cult. I am running a respectable house of worship, but if you want to get into a legal dispute I could have my lawyer on the phone in a minute. I could also bring the media into this, and tell them how you are trying to persecute my fellowship because we are trying to worship in our own way.” He said this speech with as much defiance and courage as he could muster, knowing all the while it was bullwash.
“Lets not get hasty.” said the commissioner taken back. “I want you to know I’m watching you,thats it.” he paused. “You may leave”he said , a little flustered.
Weeks later, Kia started thinking it was time to get out of his endeavor while he still could. His church had been around for about four months, and people were beginning to get suspicious because he said basically the same thing each week. That Sunday, he shocked his congregation by announcing his departure. He told them the prophets were calling him to a far distant land for an undetermined amount of time. He could not disclose the location because it would be made unholy. In actuality, he was moving to Tahiti live in the lap of luxury with the money he made. This time though, he did not squander his fortune. Since he made about 4.9 million from his wealthy church goers,he never had to work again.
Monita Thompson