Is love more important than friendship in a marriage? Discuss the views of Christians.

GCSE Religious Studies (Philosophy & Ethics)

Friendship is more important than love in a marriage. Do you agree?

A marriage is a close and intimate relationship between a man and woman that have signed a legal contract to live together as husband and wife. The Bible implies that marriage is a good thing, “God said <It is not good for man to live alone, I will make a helper suitable for him>”- Genesis 2:18. Also, that marriage is a very important process, “Jesus said, <A man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, the two will become one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined let no man separate>”- Mark 10:9-12.

For a marriage to work, the relationship has to be sustainable. For this to happen, it needs friendship and love. Friendship is a bond between two people regarded with liking, affection and loyalty. Love is an intense emotion of affection, warmth and fondness towards a person. Friendship is great as “Friends always show their love”- Proverbs 17:17. Love is a wonderful thing to share with a partner, “John said, <Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God>”- 1 John 4:7. They are both significant factors in the success of a marriage but which is more important?

Friendship can be more important than love in a marriage. When you get married to someone, it is fundamental to have got to know them and trust them first as if you don’t, it will feel like marrying a stranger or an acquaintance. If you don’t trust them, then there will be anxiety and tension in the relationship and neither of you will be happy. Happiness in a relationship is essential for a good, stress-free life and sustainability of the relationship, as if you are happy with the person you are married to then you will want to stay with them for the rest of your life as opposed to regretting it for years to come. Treating each other equally is easier if you are friends as you would naturally want the friendship to continue, “Jesus said, <Do for others what you want them to do for you>”- Matthew 7:12. Loyalty is also important if the relationship is to work. Loyalty ties in with friendship as you need to know and be good friends with a person to be able to be truly loyal to them. Christians and non-Christians believe that loyalty is very important in a marriage and the Bible teaches this also, especially in the book of Ruth. Ruth 1:16 says, “Ruth answered, <Don’t ask me to leave you! Let me go with you. Wherever you go, I will go; wherever you live, I will live. Your people will be my people, and your God will be my God.>” In this quote, Ruth shows incredible willingness and loyalty to whoever she is speaking to and judging by the nature of her speech, it is most probably her husband.

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If you love the person but you aren’t friends, how can you have a decent conversation with them? How do you have a riveting conversation with someone you know barely anything about? It would be awkward and would probably mostly consist of silences. Communication with one another is essential to be able to trust them and avoid misunderstandings. If the couple don’t really know each other, it is more likely that one or both of them will be unfaithful to each other as their relationship may have no desire in it so they may want to look for it elsewhere. The Bible says, “Do not commit adultery”- Genesis 20:14. Also Matthew 5:31 says, “Jesus said a man may divorce his wife for unfaithfulness”; this contradicts the whole point of marriage, which is that it should last forever and the two people should live together in harmony and be faithful always. It is also helpful to have things and qualities in common so the relationship runs smoothly and you feel closer to them. If you are friends, you are more likely to get along with one another; this way the chances of arguing are less and even if you do argue, it will be easier to compromise and settle the argument fairly. The relationship will be able to survive ups and downs. Proverbs 27:6 says, “Friends mean well even when they hurt you.” If they meant well, you are more likely to forgive them for doing something wrong than if they didn’t. Forgiveness and moving on from mistakes is crucial in the sustainability of a relationship; “Jesus said, <If you forgive others the wrongs they have done to you, your Father in heaven will also forgive you>”- Matthew 6:14-15.

You could also argue that love is more important that friendship in a marriage. If you are friends with the person but you don’t love them, how can you marry them and have children? This would be an extremely awkward issue. 1 Corinthians 13 says that “Paul talked about the qualities of love, that love was the greatest gift and would never fail.” By saying that it is the “greatest gift” the Bible can be interpreted to be agreeing that love is more important than anything else, even friendship. Also, the Bible says, “God blessed the man and woman that he had created and told them to be fruitful and increase in number”- Genesis 1:28; this would be an incredibly difficult task if you did not love your partner as you wouldn’t want to have children with them.

Consideration of your partner’s feelings is also crucial to the sustainability of a relationship: “Paul said, <Wives submit to your husbands... Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church>”- Ephesians 5:22-25. If you can’t be considerate towards others then the love in the relationship would wane and your partner may fall out of love with you and end the marriage, “If a man finds something displeasing in his wife he can write her a certificate and divorce her”- Deuteronomy 24:1. Another thing that is very important in a marriage that comes from love is respect. If you truly love your partner then you would respect them also. Without respect for one another the couple would be unhappy in the relationship and it would not last long at all, it may even lead to adultery, which is immoral.

Love is very important in a marriage for commitment, happiness and wanting to be with them. Without love, there cannot be passion and if the marriage has no passion and desire it won’t last very long, which in theory a marriage should; “Paul said, <It is better not to marry if possible, but if you burn with passion, then marry>”- 1 Corinthians 7:9. This agrees with the above point that the Bible thinks love is more important than friendship in a marriage as Paul is saying that if the two people love one another, then they should get married as opposed to saying that if they are really good friends they should get married.

In a marriage, you should be dependent on your partner but there should be a fine, equal balance between dependence and independence. You should be able to do many things using your own initiative but also be able to rely on them to do things; “Paul said, <A man should fulfil his duty as a husband, and a wife should fulfil her duty as a wife>”- 1 Corinthians 7:3. If there is no love in the relationship the couple would become too independent and do things separately as opposed to together as they would be able to live without each other. This may result in them growing apart and this would result in the relationship and marriage inevitably coming to an end. Christians believe this would be a bad thing as it would disagree with the Bible as in Romans 7:2, “Paul said, <A woman is bound by the law to her husband as long as he lives.>”

In conclusion, love and friendship are vital to making a marriage work. Without love the relationship can’t be sustained and the same applies to without friendship. This is true as in the real world there are many examples of marriages that haven’t worked out well because of a lack of either love or friendship; “<I hate divorce,> says the Lord”- Malachi 2:16. In my opinion, to truly make a marriage work and last forever, you need both; it is not just enough to have one without the other. They are just as important as each other, “Jesus said, <Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no-one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends>”- John 15:12-13. You could try to make a relationship missing one of them to work but it would backfire as it is just not possible to keep it up.

Njeri Chege