First and foremost – The more the heart aches, the more should one try to gain cheerfulness and composure. In other words, your appearance at this time is under careful scrutiny – any rash or uncalled for action may put your reputation in dire jeopardy. It is therefore important to remember that engaging in any activity that enables you to present a brighter demeanour – both for the memory of the deceased and the respect of society, should be pursued.
Consequently, it is necessary to establish some suitable practices in regards to visiting and dress, so that the hardhearted may, through observing them, avoid a most disgraceful situation – the semblance of lack of respect towards the dead. In any case - a cruel widow who, instead of showing the proper amount of grief goes so far as to rejoice in her husband’s demise, should be aware of society’s opinion. She will not be held in high esteem unless she pays respect to the memory of the man whose title she bears.
Generally a widow's mourning should last from twelve to eighteen months, depending upon the length of marriage and number of children. The duration of grieving for an uncle, aunt or cousin should be comprised of at least three months in length, and this time must be spent in as close to quiet solitude as possible. If absolutely necessary, friends may visit but only for a short while and they may not introduce jovial or lighthearted games or outings in your time of sorrow. Friends and relatives of those in mourning are advised that the telegraph as a means of communication is excellent and that in many cases arduous face to face communication may not be essential.
Funeral Attendance
Ladies are permitted to attend the funeral of a blood relative or husband, but in so doing must be as modest as possible. Servants attending the funeral in substitution of the widow should also follow this guideline, because we all know how important it is to maintain a high level of respectability.
The Mourning Garments.
As a strict rule, a veil is to be worn but not necessarily over the head or face. This practice is quite dangerous as many diseases of the eye come by this means, and it is advisable that if possible, some form of thin veiling may be used instead of crape. Should this be unfeasible, unfortunately no other option is worthy, and one must tolerate what fashion and society dictates. It is the only appropriate thing, and no lady should dare to go without it. In deep mourning, any kind of black fur or seal-skin are always appropriate. For funeral services, any type of plain black livery is acceptable.
The consideration of the dead body
While a slightly sordid topic, it is less offensive to follow the proper practices and keep it out in the open than to desecrate the memory of the deceased. In terms of the coffin, simplicity is the guide, being much more elegant than the overstated. In dressing the remains for the grave, men should be "clad in his habit as he lived." For a woman, a white robe and cap is most appropriate, as are white cashmere robes and flowers for the young.
Reintroduction.
As a general rule of society, widowers are generally formally allowed to be reintroduced to society at a much earlier date than widows, both in terms of business sensibility and in strength of moral character. Generally, widowers are encouraged to remarry – especially so if the previous marriage had resulted in children. How else are we to care for our kin if not through the replacement of a lady’s position?
“Mourning and Funeral Usages” Harper's Bazar- April 17, 1886
Quote courtesy – http://www.victoriana.com/library/harpers/funeral.html
“Mourning and Funeral Usages” Harper's Bazar- April 17, 1886
Quote courtesy – http://www.victoriana.com/library/harpers/funeral.html