Leaving the confines of the hideout for what I knew would be the last time I felt yet more regrets pile up inside me. As I entered the fresh air I felt a cool breeze wash over me, its intoxicating aroma overcoming me, dampening my senses. As if on auto pilot I began to march towards my house. My legs moved of their own accord bringing me closer to what I was to become. My Father. The realisation dawned on me as I opened the gate and entered the pristine, well ordered world and by doing so turned my back on my childhood innocence. Looking back at the last couple of weeks I saw the similarities between me and my father as clearly as I could see the door in front of me. I stood on the doorstep, silent but aware, contemplating what I had done. I saw it all: the strong sense of control I had maintained over Stephen for so very, very long, like a General and his loyal soldier; the feeling of self importance and self righteousness I had kept over the many years until I had alienated everyone away from me; finally I saw the pure sinister brutality that bubbled and frothed within me, ready to explode like a mine. This was the same vicious streak that my father showed when he beat me, the same streak that had exhibited itself back in the hideout with Stephen. I knew now that this was why people stayed away from me, why I had no friends and why in my mind I was better than everyone else.
I had learnt what it meant to be self reliant, to be able to survive on my own, not requiring anybody’s help. Especially not that small traitorous rodent, Stephen. He had been a means to an end, something to use and then dispose of like the rest of the common filth in this close. No one, no one could have discovered what I did. How could they have? They weren’t as heroic as I was. None of them had helped the war effort like I had, had they discovered a spy that could have helped the Germans invade our country. No. I had helped the war effort more than rationing had.
Seamlessly opening the solid door without making a sound I stared into my world, slowly advancing into the immaculate, faultless hallway that contained so many echoes of the past. This past was reflected in the pictures hung so gently on the wall, balanced perfectly until the last. It was at an angle. The error hung there. Putting a blot on the orderly surroundings. It hung there. Glaring at me, taunting me until I could take no more. I wrenched the photo off the wall and with all my anger, all my hatred threw it at the wall opposite me. The sound of shattering glass was heavenly to my ears; it carried me in bliss as I walked into the garage.
The workbench sat there, in pride of place. All the gleaming tools hung on the wall, all size ordered, all untarnished. The pungent smell of paint hung in the air, relaxing me. The dull greens and browns seamlessly blended everything together so that nothing stood out. Concealed, camouflaging everything, deceiving the untrained eye as to their true importance. I stood there, observing. Reflecting on how I had triumphed over the betrayal of a trusted ally and came out unscathed.
Suddenly I felt the desire to leave my father’s headquarters and retire to my bedroom upstairs. Striding with self importance, I went effortlessly, silently as not to disturb the well balanced order in the house. Once in my room I immediately flung myself on the bed. I lay there staring intently at the ceiling, thinking deeply about the events that had transpired. Betrayed, betrayed by my best friend, the only person I trusted. Trusted because of his attitude, the way I could manipulate him into doing nearly anything for me. More like a dog than a human, a faithful companion to order around. I had no respect for Stephen and deep down I never had. Why would I? He was beneath me. Why would I respect someone who was not my equal? In any way. We were from different walks of life, different classes, differing intellectual capabilities and different capacity for leadership. Would Stephen have been able to form the plans I had readily available for us? I think not. And would he have been able to carry them out like I did? Definitely not. As I lay there, my eyelids slowly becoming heavier one final thought entered my head. I was alone.
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