What qualities does a person need to have for you to consider him or her as a real friend?
Can you describe one of your friends?
Gender differences
What do you see as being different in your friendships between male and female friends?
What topics do you discuss?
Strength of friendship
Can you describe a particular event or situation where someone proved to be a real friend to you?
Role of time
Do you think that time plays an important role in considering someone as a friend?
Importance
How important is it for you to have friends?
Encouragement to add personal view
Is there anything else you would like to add to what we have been talking about?
Procedure
The interviews took place within the campus of the University of Surrey, in a quiet room with just the researcher and the participant present.
Before the interview the participants were told about the aim of the study, their freedom to withdraw at any time, their anonymity and that all information would be confidential. After that they were asked if they would like to proceed with the interview and all gave their consent. The interviews were audio-taped by the researchers with the permission of the participants. All names mentioned were changed to protect confidentiality. Following this the researcher checked some personal details, such as age, sex, nationality, etc. and the participants were then interviewed and the interviews audio-taped. Following the interview, participants were given the opportunity to ask any further questions about the project.
Analysis of the quantitative data
The transcripts of the interviews were analysed by the researchers working together in a group session jointly with another research group. The interpretative analysis derived from Interpretative Phenomenological Analysis (IPA)(Smith, 1996) was employed in this study. This is a form of qualitative analysis aiming to explore in detail the participant's personal view of the topic under investigation. IPA also recognises that the research exercise is a 'dynamic process' in which the researcher is an active participant whose own beliefs and conceptions will complicate the 'process of interpretative activity'.
Data analysis followed the methods outlined by Smith (1996). This involves the process of identifying initial themes in the transcripts and eventually leading to more general categorisations of the themes. At first, each researcher’s transcript was photocopied and distributed to each of the other members of the group. After that, each of the three researchers worked on one appointed transcript independently, reading it several times until it was very familiar, and making notes on items of significance and interest. Then, this transcript was reviewed and discussed by the researchers together and the emerged thematic categories were set. A list of the categories was produced, identifying each of the observed occurrences to support the themes, and giving a short commentary on the themes. Henceforward, each researcher worked on their own repeating the same procedure on their own transcript and also on the third interviewer's transcript.
Results
In the analysis, five main themes were identified and labelled: intimacy, empathy, similarity, fun and effect of the time on friendship. One category, intimacy, was identified as the core concept, describing the central quality of a close friendship. The other four categories, empathy, similarity, fun and effect of the time on friendship were identified as significant elements in the development of friendship. If two same-sex people see each other as similar (Newcomb & Bagwell, 1995), they have fun together (Rawlins, 1992), there is empathy between them (Sharabany, 1994) and if the friendship survives the test of the time (Selman & Jaquette, 1977, cited in Strayer & Roberts, 2004), then the friendship has a good chance of becoming intimate in the sense of being a close relationship with understanding, confidentiality, affinity, attachment, companionship, mutual affection, warmth, understanding, and fellow feeling. Under intimacy, trust as a sub-theme was identified as something indispensable to feel secure in an intimate relationship. (Table 2.)
Intimacy
This theme is considered to be a basic constituent in any meaningful relationship and the basis of friendship (Sharabany, 1994, Newcomb & Bagwell, 1995). Intimacy develops through the many experiences that one person has with another and means knowing many different aspects of someone, e.g., how this person would respond to different situations.
Both Aris and Jane described friendship as a close relationship, a bond with someone, with whom one can share feelings and both good and bad times.
Friendship is ... a close relationship with somebody … you have a kind of bound with. With whom you share things that you enjoy. When you are sad, she shares those times with you as well. (Jane)
Closeness, fun and trust are the most important values of friendship. Friends are people you share your feelings with. (Aris)
Gaby defines friendship with less enthusiasm and names trust and shared interest as key values of friendship.
... trusting someone, having shared interest. (Gaby)
Jane also finds the reciprocal relatedness important.
Who can relate to me and I can relate to them.(Jane)
Knowing each other is also essential to get close to each other. When Jane describes a particular situation where someone proved to be a real friend to her, she mentions that her friend knew all about the reasons why she did not want a party to celebrate her 18th birthday. This indicates that at that time she had a close and genuine friendship with this person, who proved to be thoughtful. It also emerges that this friend knew Jane much better than she would have thought and also she cared for Jane very much. She organised Jane's surprise party and made a wonderful speech for her, and so she gave Jane a memorable birthday. Furthermore, for whatever reason, Jane tried to avoid having a birthday party presumed that her friend was going to be loyal and respect her wishes. But the fact that her friend knew her very well, probably even better than Jane knew herself, and she took a risk to act against Jane’s decision. This indicates that knowing our friends and understanding their feelings are two very valuable characteristics of friendship.
I would go with my 18th birthday party just because I didn't want to have a party. My friend knew me well and knew that why I didn't want a birthday party ... and she knew all the little silly reasons that I have told her why I didn't want a party... She made her speech; she described me really well .... Everything was just how I'd have liked it. ... She made her speech ...when ... and the way how she de scribed things, described me I really didn't know she knew me that well.(Jane)
In an intimate friendship the barriers of conversations seem to disappear; if we like someone, are close to each other and trust each other, then we take this person's opinion and criticism about ourselves better.
... my friends ... have helped me realize my personality and so become a better friend for them. (Aris)
With those whom one is getting on well there is a better chance to establish a long term friendship. People get on well with those whom they share the same interests, humour and background.
[A real friend ] is someone you can talk to, someone who has similar interest to you, who you can dis cuss those interest with ... trustworthy and have similar interest and background to me. (Gaby)
We've just got to know each other very well .. .and we got on very well ... we've got a similar sense of humour ... I like people who are quite considerate and ... who I enjoy being with. Somebody, who is quite a good fun, ... who shares my sense of humour. (Jane)
When Jane talked about why having friends was important to her, she expresses that being liked by others is also important to her.
Nice to be liked by others.(Jane)
Trust
Trust is the belief by people that others' motivations towards them are benevolent and honest. (Wikipedia, 2006). Being known very well by someone else puts one into a vulnerable position; when insurance of trustworthiness from the other person is required. Jane mentions trustworthiness, reliability and to be able to confide in the friend in her answers for four out of the eight questions; when she describes the qualities of someone she considers as a real friend; when she describes one of her friends; when she talks about the differences between her female and male friends and at the end when she details why having friends is so important for her. Gaby refers to trust in five (out of eight) of her answers, whereas Aris only talks about trust directly in the first two answers when he is listing the qualities of friendships.
Closeness, fun and trust are the most important values of friendship. ... A true friend is ... honest as well as reliable in order to trust him or her. (Aris)
... trusting someone, having shared interests ... trustworthiness, someone you can talk too, someone who has similar interests to [you]. ...if you have known someone a long time and they have never let you down then you value them more as a friend and it is easier to put your trust in them. (Gaby)
Who can relate to me and I can relate to them ... a friend … someone who is quite …reliable, and trust worthy. ... I felt she could be trusted and considered that she could trust me. My female friends are my close friends ... we confide in each other. Good to now friends who you can rely on. Who you know you can relay on them and they know you well...yes, this is important to me. (Jane)
Since reciprocal friendship is stronger than unilateral friendship, mutual trust and to be able to confide in each other are important in close relationships. Jane identified both during the interview.
I felt she could be trusted and considered that she could trust me. ... My female friends are my close friends ... we confide in each other. My female friends are my close friends ... we confide in each other. (Jane)
Empathy
This theme is the recognition and understanding of the states of mind, beliefs, desires, and particularly emotions of others (Wikipedia, 2006). It is often characterized as a sort of emotional resonance with someone else; the ability to 'put oneself into another's shoes'. There are widespread individual and gender differences in the ability of empathy. Empathy is often the link that helps friendship to develop into a close, more intimate friendship. It reaches beyond the limitations of language. It is the ability to sense other's emotions and desires and be able to act according to them. Being sympathetic is one of the qualities of friendship.
... with whom you share things that you enjoy. When you are sad, she shares those times with you as well. (Jane)
'A friend in need is a friend in deed'; Aris talked about his friend who was visiting him in the hospital after his car accident, whom cheered him up, gave him support and help to get over the life-frightening experience.
Last year I had a terrible car accident and my friend Thanos was visiting me at the hospital for approximately one month and was so supportive to me that made me forget this horrible memory. He was making jokes and flirting with nurses. I will never forget this event since it was a proof of real friendship.(Aris)
Another quality for empathy is being considerate. A considerate person can make one feel good, special and liked.
I like people who are quite considerate. ...She is in the navy and she is away quite a lot. When she is around she gets in touch with me....and... she does remember to things that is important to me ... which is important to me. (Jane)
From Gaby's interview it emerges that her understanding of the term of friendship is a superficial relationship with some female peers that is based on trust, same interest and background only. She seemingly does not let anyone any closer to her, does not discuss and share any personal issues and leaves her emotions out of friendships. This attitude is confirmed when she said that friendship is not the most important thing for her.
I would say having friends is important but not the most important thing for me.(Gaby)
On the contrary, Jane talks about her 18th birthday as the situation when someone proved to be a real friend to her. She told her friend all those “silly”reasons why she did not want a party. But her friend understood Jane's emotions and that not having a birthday party was not Jane's true desire.
I would go with my 18th birthday party just because I didn't want to have a party. My friend knew me well and knew that why I didn't want a birthday party ... and she knew all the little silly reasons that I have told her why I didn't want a party.... She made her speech; she described me really well.... Everything was just how I'd have liked it. ... She made her speech ...when ...and the way how she described things, described me I really didn't know she knew me that well. (Jane)
When we say that there is empathy between two people we also mean that these two people talk the same language, understand each other and are in tune with each other.
We have got a similar sense of humour. (Jane)
...a true friend ... has a similar sense of humour with me so as to have fun with each other... My friend Thanos is the only person I spend so much time with because we laugh every time we are together. (Aris)
Similarity
Similarity can lead to interpersonal attraction that can significantly influence friendship formation (Newcomb & Bagwell, 1995). In social psychology similarities refer to how closely values, attitudes, interest and personality match between people (Wikipedia, 2006).
... in friends you have a reflection of yourself. (Jane)
Sharing the same sense of humour emerged from all three interviews. Those who share the same sense of humour understand and value more each others jokes, teasing and sarcasm.
We have got a similar sense of humour. ... With some people you can just click straight away and become friends. (Jane)
Fun
This theme refers to a notion that is often related to free time activities and to the time that people spend with their families and friends. People enjoy spending time together with those whom they know well, get on well and share the same interests and humour.
A close relationship with somebody, with whom you share things that you enjoy. ... Who I enjoy being with, somebody, who is quite a good fun, who shares my sense of humour. (Jane)
...a true friend ... have a similar sense of humour with me so as to have fun with each other... (Aris)
Effect of time on friendship
This theme refers to what role time plays in becoming friends with someone and how friendship changes over time. All three participants believed that time is an important factor as it tests the friendship; because over time one gets know the other better and sees whether or not someone deserves to be trusted.
... the more events occur, the more things you understand [about each other]. Sometimes with the pass of years it may be proved that a person you considered as a friend would forget you ... (Aris)
... the longer you have known someone as a friend the easier it is to call them a friend.... if you have known someone for a long time and they have never let you down then you value them more as a friend and it is easier to put your trust in them. (Gaby)
I don't think time changes the fact whether they are friends or not. But I think it changes how you are friends. ... I think friendship changes over the time ... I think, if you can consider someone as a really good friend I think that doesn't really change over time. Just the nature of your friendship changes.(Jane)
Jane, through her experience, pointed out that friendship can begin instantly between two people or can develop slowly, through the process of getting to know each other. It can just happen that two people meet and they get along with each other from the beginning, have fun together and establish a friendship. For them, since they do not know much about each other, time can be a test as to whether or not they can trust and rely on each other. Whereas, sometimes, from neutral relationship a real friendship can develop over time by getting know each other and discovering the other's values. The latter refers to the “propinquity effect”, that is the tendency for people to form friendship with those whom they have a high propinquity.
With some people you can just click straight away and become friends. With some other people a friendship develop slowly over the time when you get know each other more. And there are some people you don't particularly like but after once you can get know more about them through other people, you do develop a relationship and than time becomes the bases of the friendship. (Jane)
Discussion
Five common factors emerged from the three interviews. They all referred to the following: trustworthiness and shared interest are important in friendship, close friendship develop between people with the same gender, time tests the friendship and having friends is important in life. However, there were individual differences in the degree of importance of having friends.
The youngest interviewee (she was 20 year old), who regarded friendship important, but not as important as the other two interviewee felt, named only three qualities that a person needed to have to be considered by her as a real friend. They were trustworthiness, similar or shared interest and similar background. She did not mention qualities that would indicate that she had an intimate, close and strong relationship with her 'real' friend. Whereas for the other two interviewees friendship was a very important issue in their life, they both mentioned those values, which lead to a close and strong relationship with a friend. They were closeness, honesty, supporting each other and be able to rely on each other, having fun and sharing similar sense of humour, and be there for each other in good and bad times. These findings support Newcom and Bagwell's (1995) suggestion that the closer the friends are the stronger is the relationship.
Both the older interviewees (one male and one female) referred to those friendships that developed instantly as based on initial attraction or perceived similarity (Newcomb & Bagwell, 1995). In these cases time was a significant factor to prove the friendship. The oldest (she was 22 year old) interviewee also mentioned that in instances where she did not like the other person initially, she found in the passage of time she had got to know the person well, and a friendship had developed between them. This experience indicates a more mature thinking and refers to the recognition that relationships can develop and change over time which supports the Selman & Jaquette’s (1977) five stage model of adolescents’ and adults’ understanding of friendship.
The findings of this study should be considered within the contexts of methodological limitations of the IPA studies. Firstly, Smith (2003) suggested a minimum of eight participants for an IPA study, in this study only three participants were employed, which allowed the me to speculate about possible explanations but not sufficient enough to gain reliable insight and overview about research question. Secondly, it was difficult to avoid reflexivity and bias during the analysis. All interviewers knew their interviewees, therefore their previous knowledge about the participants and the interviewer's preposition could bias both the process of the interview and the transcript analysis. In consequence, the interviewer might read more out of the sentences than what the participant actually had wanted to say. Finally, as all interviewees explained that their relationship with friends from the opposite gender is not as close and honest as with the same gender and they discussed different issues with the opposite gender friends, consequently, the gender of the interviewers and interviewees should be taken into account. In two interview situations, the interviewers and interviewees were from opposite genders, which could inhibit the interviewees to express their views on friendship with honesty. They probably did not feel free to talk about what they really thought and might have altered their opinions about friendship to please the interviewers, which would undermine the main purpose of conducting qualitative study.
Despite these limitations, this study highlights a number of important issues for further investigation in an under-researched area. Studying friendship among adults has important implication to health, clinical and counselling psychology. People are social beings, so for this reason, to have friends or to be a friend to someone is one of the noblest goals for which people can aim. Lack of friendship, especially in adults can cause loneliness, low self-worth and self-confidence, a feeling of social exclusion and helplessness that ultimately can lead to depression and other psycho-somatic illnesses. Whereas a good friend can make one’s problems go away, get over difficult periods of life, give security and restore one's self-worth.
References
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Newcomb, A. F. & Bagwell, C. L. (1995). Children's friendship relations. Psychological Bulletin, 117, 306-347.
Rawlins, W. K. (1992). Friendship matters: Communication, dialectics, and the life course. New York: Aldine de Gruyter
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Appendix 1.
Figure 2. Description of main categories, descriptive categories and examples of related subcategories.
Intimacy
Attachment
Bound
Knowing each other
Getting on well
Being liked by someone
Relate to
Trust
Trustworthy
Mutual trust
Can rely on
Openness
Confide in each other
Empathy
Sympathy
Relate to
Understanding
Feel for
Talk the same language
Similarities
Having a similar sense of humour
Just click with someone straight away and become friends
Similar interest
In friends having a reflection of yourself
Fun
Sharing same sense of humour
Sharing same interest
Enjoy being with
Effect of time on friendship
Become friends over a couple of years
Real friendship doesn’t change over time
Time doesn’t change the fact they are friends or not
Time changes the nature of the friendship
Appendix 2.
Interview Transcript
Interview conducted by: 1461192 (Red)
Members of the research group: Belle, A., Harle P., Gough, G., Delenika, M., West D.
Jane
Nationality: British
Age: 22y
Gender: Female
Occupation: Student