The Hare and the Tortoise - The Modern Day Version

The Hare

Of all the boastful and self-important animals, the worst in all the countryside (apart from the humans, of course) was the hare. He would talk on and on about his swiftness, sleekness, and superior muscle tone with anyone unfortunate enough to be nearby. What's more, he continually derided the other animals that didn't share his obsession with fleeting physical "perfection."

The Tortoise

One of his frequent targets for ridicule was the tortoise, who with his stout yet functional legs, lower metabolism, and overall endomorphic body shape stood (or rather squatted) in marked contrast to the hare. The tortoise, perfectly content to take on life at his own speed, always insisted his metabolism was as efficient as anyone else's.

The Challenge

The hare, however, continually taunted the tortoise while he struck poses and flexed his pecs. "Hey, low-rider," he said, "I bet you can make extra money (huff-huff) renting yourself out as a paperweight (huff-huff preen-preen) I"

The tortoise smiled patiently. "Thank you for the advice, my velocity-fortified friend."

"Come on, stumpy," goaded the hare, "can't you rise up when someone (huff-huff) throws down the gauntlet?"

"I can't see how gauntlet abuse has anything to do with me," said the tortoise, who had apparently achieved slowness in more than one aspect of his character. "I enjoy my inertia and would rather just sit and watch the world go by."

"Ooooh, how can you be so content?" fumed the hare. "You're just so smug (huff-huff), I challenge you to a race to show you the consequences and (preen-preen) health risks of such a sedentary lifestyle."

The tortoise was appalled. "A ... competition?"

He almost choked on the word. "Just to prove that one of us is somehow better than the other? What kind of example is that to set? I'll have no part of it."

Some other animals that were standing nearby overheard this conversation and began to listen with interest.

"What's the matter (preen-preen), are you . . . ?" The hare caught himself and looked around, then said in a softer voice, "Are you chicken?"

At this, the tortoise grew angry. "Now listen, if you're going to start insulting other species to cover up your own insecurities ..."

"Come on, doorstop," taunted the hare. "Are you really compassionate for pullets or just plain scared?"

Expectation

A crowd of animals had now gathered and was, to use another poultry-exploitative phrase, egging on both combatants. Some were eager for the hare to be put in his place, others wanted to see the tortoise's self-righteous bubble popped, and still others were the unreflective couch-potato types who craved constant stimulation.

With pressure coming from all sides, the tortoise felt a tug-of-war between his principles against competition and the need to teach the hare a lesson. Finally, ...

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"Come on, doorstop," taunted the hare. "Are you really compassionate for pullets or just plain scared?"

Expectation

With pressure coming from all sides, the tortoise felt a tug-of-war between his principles against competition and the need to teach the hare a lesson. Finally, and without a trace of irony, he said, "All right, I'll race you. And what's more, I'll win, just to prove to you that winning isn't everything."

Dignitaries

Preparations for the big event began immediately. The tortoise and the hare agreed to appoint the fox as Commissioner of Kinetic Wellness and Overland Velocity Contests. It was the fox's duty to establish the route and duration of the race, as well as work out the details for the merchandising and pay-per-view revenue. There was some talk about adding hiking and swimming meets to the foot race, but it was decided that interest in such an "Iron Animal" competition wouldn't be as high.

Training

The hare and the tortoise began to train in earnest for Race Day. Some ignorant commentators assumed that all members of the rabbit family were fast, due to their genetic inheritance, limber body, and well-developed thigh muscles. The hare rightly took exception to these prejudices because they ignored his many hours of hard work and sacrifice. To counter them, his training camp was always open to the media and his supporters, who cheered him on as he cross-trained. This also kept the persistent rumours of blood-doping and amphetamine abuse to a manageable and deniable size. For his part, the tortoise prepared by carbo-loading and watching training films.

As the hype for the big showdown escalated, the imagination of the other animals in the countryside was absolutely (and somewhat unhealthily) focused on the race. Depending on their individual temperaments, the animals were rabidly and obsessively either pro-tortoise or pro-hare. Many a friendship, marriage, and other significant interanimal relationship was tested in the days leading up to the race.

The hare zealots generally more youthful animals who were impressed solely by style, speed, and hipness strutted around in specially licensed T-shirts with the slogans "Just Jump It" and "Rabbitude!"

Support

Fans of the tortoise praised his defence of principle against tremendous odds, as well as his self-deprecating wit and acceptance of his alternative body image. They expressed their support by donning baseball caps stitched with the words "Eat my dust, bunny!"

A small but vocal non-majority opposed the entire notion of holding a race at all. They wrote op-ed pieces, phoned in to radio talk shows, and even distributed a poster that read, "RACES are not HEALTHY for kids, colts, kittens, pups, chicks, ducklings, cygnets, eaglets, hatchlings, calves, cubs, fawns, lambkins, piglets, joeys, tadpoles, and other living things." Their efforts were to no avail, however, and the day of the big race soon arrived.

The Race!!

The air crackled with anticipation that morning as the crowds gathered at the starting gate. Vendors were there, selling chipatis, juices, and energy-supplement bars. Promoters were there, giving away phone cards, sports drinks, and cereal samples emblazoned with pictures of the tortoise and the hare. Newscasters and TV technicians were there, in droves of elaborate electronic vans, to exploit every last detail and image of "this story about the simplest of all challenges to race."

Hardly anyone noticed when the tortoise arrived. He was so unassuming and free of ostentation that he blended in easily with the crowd. The serene look on his face was puzzling, considering the long odds he was up against.

As you might expect, the arrival of the hare and his entourage could not be described as humble or restrained. It was hard to miss the long black limousine that edged its way through the crowd, or the cheers that erupted when the doors flew open and out stepped the hare, with a starlet on each arm and surrounded by four beefy bodyguards (or animal protection professionals, as they preferred to be called). The rowdier elements of the crowd tried to get close to the hare, but his muscular interdiction force kept them at bay.

The hare stepped up to the starting line, raised his hands to the crowd, and took off his gold lame warm-up suit. He gulped a big swallow of the sports drink he was endorsing and ate a fistful of his authorised breakfast cereal with a smile. He then turned to the tortoise with a menacing look in his eye.

"I'm gonna pound you so bad, tortoise, (huff) it'll make lying on your back feel like a vacation."

Whether or not he meant to offend any of the optically challenged members of the crowd, the tortoise just smiled and said, "We'll see."

The starter for the race, having been enjoined not to use a pistol, a cannon, the word "BANG!" or any other violent inducement to run, held a red handkerchief at arm's length, let it hang there a few seconds, then dropped it with a flourish. Instantly, the hare was off in a lightning blaze of speed. The tortoise moseyed off at a more natural pace, ever mindful that most sports injuries arise from inadequate preparation and abrupt starts and stops.

With cheering throngs on either side, the hare sped down the course like quicksilver. By the time he was out of town and in the countryside, he had long lost sight of his competitor. So confident was he in his velocity prerogative over the tortoise that he decided to accept the invitation of one of the film crews and grant an interview about his mid-race thoughts, reminiscences of childhood, and hopes for the future.

Meanwhile, the tortoise plodded on, carefully replenishing his bodily fluids with the cups of iso-tonic liquid that were provided along the route. He soon found himself hitting what runners call "the wall," but the encouragement from the crowd and his own strength of will helped him push through it until he entered the "zone." It was a good thing, too, since at that point he was only 30 meters from the starting line.

The hare chatted amiably about himself with the interviewer and, since he was talking about his favourite subject, the time flew by. When it was all wrapped up and the hare stepped out from the trailer, he heard cheering coming from the direction of the finish line. He bounded down the course, touched by the idea that the crowd was warming up to welcome him. But when he finally caught sight of the end, what did he see but the tortoise crossing the finish line!

The hare ran as fast as he could, but he couldn't pass the tortoise in time and had to settle for "finishing almost fastest." He began to scream and pound his fists, complain about the officiating, demand a recall of the commissioner, challenge the tortoise to a urine test, and threaten to sue for millions in lost endorsement revenue. The tortoise just wanly smiled as he tried to power down.

Meanwhile, to celebrate the victory, fans of both the tortoise and the hare, as well as various bystanders and hangers-on, smashed shop windows, looted electronics and jewellery stores, overturned cars, and set fire to anything that was handy. By the time the police broke up the crowds with recycled rubber bullets and biodegradable pepper gas, they had arrested 57 animals for over-enthusiastic celebrating.

The Result

While such destructive merrymaking was deplorable (and certainly depended on many socio-economic influences), the most shocking part of the story was yet to come. Both racers did submit to urinalysis, and the results were not good for the tortoise, who was found to be a heavy user and abuser of steroids. The tortoise claimed that it was really the after-effect of an asthma medication, but the fox, in his role as Commissioner of Kinetic Wellness and Overland Velocity Contests, was forced to disqualify him and proclaim the hare as "finishing most fastest."

In response to this scandalous news, fans of both the tortoise and the hare, as well as various bystanders and hangers-on, smashed shop windows, looted electronics and jewellery stores, overturned cars, and set fire to anything that was handy. This time the police arrested 115 animals for over-enthusiastic celebrating.

It was soon decided that footraces, pawraces, hoofraces, and other such competitions only inflamed the animal populace and unleashed emotions that were not nurturing of public harmony. The fox resigned his position and was immediately named the new Facilitator of Constructive, Co-operative Kinetic Pastimes. His department heavily promoted participation in non-competitive activities such as snorkelling, water ballet, hackey sack, and duck-duck-goose (for any and all species). Further, he decreed any animal found to be competing with his or her neighbour in any type of sport or contest was to be disciplined with several hours of community service and forced to listen to audiotapes of the various sportscasters giving their analysis of the big race between the tortoise and the hare.