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Chinese side and all she appears to remember about Chinese are their negative aspects. “A cluster of telltale Chinese behaviors, all those things my mother did to embarrass me.” (169) These are the only things she can think of to use to have an interaction with Lili. She is ashamed of her mother and finds her habits like “haggling with store owners” (169) embarrassing. Nevertheless, China is already within her, although she was not aware of it. On the way to Guangzhou, Jing-mei portrays her sentimental character. “And I can’t help myself. I also have misty eyes, as if I had seen this a long, long time ago, and had almost forgotten.” (169 Jing-mei has a heart for China, the land of home for her parents, and because China is within her, she cannot help it but feel like she is returning to a place where she belongs. This is further emphasized when they arrived at Guangzhou. “The crowds did not bother me. It feels right. I started pushing too.” (171) The Chinese aggressive nature emerges from Jing-mei, revealing the Chinese blood that is hidden in her. When they arrived at the hotel, she was “ready to haggle over this booking mistake” (175). The habit of “haggling” used to embarrass her, ironically, however, she also possesses her mother’s Chinese behavior.
Yet, due to fact that Jing-mei cannot see herself as a Chinese, she cannot accept the bond she has with her Chinese sisters, nor can she allow herself to share their emotions. “Their mother was coming, whereas my mother was dead.” (170) By separating her mother to two sides, hers and theirs, she refuses to link the relationship of her sisters to her, neither can she accept that they are actually sharing the same pain of the loss of their mother.
201824
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Professor Szabo
However, Jing-mei still has to search for her identity. In spite of the fear and tendency to deny her Chinese identity, she is also curious about it: “But now I was asking questions mostly because I wanted to know the answers” (176). She then questions about the meaning of her name as well. Realizing that her name meant the best essence, she feels she may not have met up to her mother’s expectations. Her curiosity soon led to remorse and feelings of guilt. “I feed myself with old grief, wondering how disappointed my mother must have been.” (177) Her feelings of feeling responsible had always been there, when she whispered to Auntie Lindo, pleading with her to write a letter to her sisters informing them of her mother’s death. “They’ll think I am responsible, that she died because I didn’t appreciate her.” (171) Jing-mei did not feel that way at that time. However, she feels it is necessary to say it in order to have Auntie Lindo write the letter. Her mourning continues without really understanding what she is actually losing. “It seemed as if I wanted to sustain my grief, to assure myself that I had cared deeply enough.” (176)
Jing-mei had encountered feelings of being lost a lot of times in the story. She often feels misplaced. “I feel lost and my father looks helpless.” (172) In China, she feels foreign. “But instead of feeling relieved, I feel forlorn. I think about what my mother said, activating genes and becoming Chinese. And I wonder what she meant.” (176) Jing-mei is lost and feeling wary of her Chinese identity. Jing-mei’s feeling of loss became realistic when she learns more about her mother’s past and the meaning of her name. That is when she feels that it is her responsibility to accept her Chinese identity. That is because only through that can she understand her mother and not lose what her mother had left for her.
201824
Eng 103 L
Professor Szabo
Jing-mei begins to accept her identity as a Chinese. This again can be seen when she requests her father to tell her mother’s story to her in Chinese. “Tell me in Chinese…Really, I can understand.” (178) Here is a turning point when Jing-mei stops denying her Chinese ability, instead she accepts and take initiative to bond with the culture.
Jing-mei is now allowing herself to have her emotions alongside with her sisters. “I need to know, because now I feel abandoned too.” (178) “I lay awake thinking about my mother’s story, realizing how much I have never known about her, grieving that my sisters and I had both lost her.” (181) She starts caring for her sisters, wondering why they are abandoned and knowing that they too feel a great loss. She no longer separates herself from her sister but allows herself to feel the remorse of losing her mother with her sisters.
Not only does Jing-mei accept her identity, but she also learned to openly express her love for her family in the way that she feels comfortable with, embracing the Chinese culture with her western culture. “I put one arm around [Aiyi] and one arm around Lili.” (181) In the earlier context of the story, Jing-mei had observed, “they clasp each other’s hands- they do not hug” (173). By hugging her Chinese family, she expressed her love in a western way. However, that is no longer a barrier for her to get closer to China. In contrast, western culture brought a new kind of intimacy to the Chinese culture. The Polaroid camera is a symbol of that.
The story ends with Jing-mei taking a photo together with her sisters when “ all three of [them] embrac[ed], all hesitations and expectation forgotten” (182). Jing-mei totally engrossed herself into her Chinese identity, embracing it with passion
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Professor Szabo
and love. “’Mama, mama,’ we all murmur, as if she is among us.” (182) Here the three daughters demonstrate a sense of unity in thoughts and feelings. Like Lili, when Jing-mei understood what the Polaroid camera is all about she follows the person who holds this culture with joy and passion.
Jing-mei wept and laugh openly with her sisters, just as her father and her Aiyi had. They had watched quietly for the picture to develop just as Jing-mei’s father and Aiyi had. The photo symbolizes the truth and identity of who they are and where they belong. “The gray-green surface changes to the bright colors of our three images, sharpening and deepening all at once.” (182) The picture develops just like Jing-mei’s search of her identity, which started off grey and melancholy, but ended with love and passion. That is because she finally finds her identity. “And now I also see what part of me is Chinese. It is so obvious. It is my family. It is in our blood. After all these years, it can finally be let go.” (182) Jing-mei finds the balance of being partially Chinese and her side of being Caucasian. She realizes her Chinese identity has always been here, and that is in her family and in her blood.
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