Simran suddenly stopped playing and turned to her mother and began cuddling her as she sat on her lap. This was an affectionate display of beautiful eye contact and warmth shared between mother and daughter. There were lots of laughter and exchanges of smiles.
Feelings: How beautiful to watch the sweet and loving display of affection.
She then suddenly got up and started to skip up and down the room happily singing, with pigtails flying in all directions. Simran seemed unsure of where she should sit as she glanced from me to her mother with a puzzled expression on her face. After a minute or so, she decided that she would sit facing her mother. She picked up her baby doll and a bag full of the dolls items such as a milk bottle, food and clothes. She put the baby in her arms and affectionately caressed and cuddled the baby. She crouched over and kissed the baby on the cheek. I couldn’t help smiling, as it was such a sweet scene.
Thought: How sweet
Simran glanced in my direction to see what I was staring at; at this point I looked away from her. This moment made me a little bit uncomfortable as I sensed I was invading her private space.
Simran then began to carefully empty the contents of her baby bag onto the floor and started playing mother to her doll.
“Mama, I am going to put a cardigan on the baby…. it’s winter’” Simran tried to put the cardigan onto the doll. But, every time she tried to get the sleeves of the cardigan on the dolls arm, the doll would slip from her grip. She tried this a few times to no avail. This began to get her very frustrated and flustered “Ohhhhhhhh mama I can’t do it! Mama can you help me I can’t get it on her arm? Baby is cold mama”. She passes the doll to her mother who successfully manages to get it on. Simran continues to play for several more minutes. From time to time, she gazes at her mother and then returns to her playing when she is given a reassuring smile.
After a while mother suggested, much to Simian’s delight, that they should do some colouring. With this signal she was up like a shot and getting her colouring books and pens out. Simran then returned to take her place back on mothers lap. She started to colour and mother joined in making suggestions of what colours to use on a picture of Barbie. Mother suggested that they colour Barbie’s hair black like Simrans. Simran acted upon this advice and began rummaging through her box of colours looking for a suitable colour. She would pick up various colours, look at them intently and then shake her head disapprovingly. Simran suddenly looked excited after she thought that she had found it. She had however picked up a dark green pen. Mother told Simran that the colour wasn’t black, but Simran said “No mama, wait and see, wait and see”, and chuckled amusingly as she started to colour Barbie’s hair. Even though the colour was a dark green, Simran was convinced it was black so there was no point in trying to convince her otherwise “See mama it’s black”, mother simply laughed.
After a short period, mother suggested that Simran should practise writing her name. Simran took out her scrapbook and slowly and carefully turned through the pages with her fingers until she found a blank sheet, she then handed the book over to her mother. Simran then gave her mother a pen so she could write down Simrans name in big bold letters for her to copy. Using the pen, Simran tried copy it but found the pen difficult to grasp “Mama it does not write”. Mother replied, “Beta, (Indian for darling) you need to grasp the pen tightly at the tip”. “NO Mama IT DOES NOT WORK!” Simran replied in a distressed tone, she then became tearful and plunged herself into mother’s chest for comfort. Mother explained to me that Simran normally uses a pencil for writing practice. She then encourages Simran to continue her writing using a pencil instead. After a few moments Simran agrees.
Thought: The poor little mite.
The father chastised the child for being too much of a baby. Mother said to Simran that Papa was naughty, as he did not understand that Simran likes to be able to do things.
At this point the father left to collect Charanjeet from school. When Charanjeet arrived, Simran burst out of her mothers lap with joy and rushed to greet him. “Charanjeet Charanjeet, you’re home! Can we play now?” he ignored his sister and took off his coat.
Charanjeet came into the room and said hello to his mother and to me. He sat down near his mother and Simran once again took her position on her mothers lap. The mother and father began ridiculing Charanjeet about his new girlfriend at school called Deena. However, Charanjeet did not find this very amusing and began hitting his mother on the arm in protest. Simran found this very hurtful and began thumping her brother with her tiny little fists. “Stop Charanjeet stop!” The dad meanwhile just carried on watching television. The mother said to Charanjeet that hitting an elder was not very nice. Simran similarly voiced her disapproval and told her brother “I’m not your friend you hurt my mama”. Simran had a look of hurt in her eyes but Charanjeet seemed oblivious to this.
Feelings: I felt a bit awkward as felt I was witnessing something that I should not of seen. Charanjeet appeared very angry with his mother for he was hitting her quite aggressively.
Thought: I am taken aback by the ability of a three-year’s understanding of violence and her ability to be protective over her mother.
Mother, suddenly releasing the time, attempts to get up having remembered that she has to bring in the clothes that had been drying outside. Simran resisted her mother’s attempts to leave and said “No mama! I want to sit here with you”. Mother replied, “Beta you can come and help me’. So off they went. But then Simran disappeared upstairs for she had misunderstood her mother’s instructions and, moments later, emerged from upstairs having brought down the clothes that needed washing. Mother noticed this as she brought in the washed clothes and, whilst affectionately kissing her on her head, explained to Simran that that was not what she had meant.
Reflection
This interaction with mother and daughter was very interesting, it was evidently clear that her relationship with her mother is much more about love and affection, this is in contrast to her relationship with her father. She displays a close attachment to her mother and often looks lost or hurt when mother leaves her alone or leaves the room for even the briefest of moments. This is in stark contrast to her behaviour and attitude towards her father whom, in the presence of her mother, she seems to largely ignore or not acknowledge. Simran spent much of the hour maintaining eye contact with mother and enjoyed being stimulated by her mothers company as she tried to continually engage Simran with various activities. She continually looked to her mother for her approval, praise and affection as if they were the most important things in the world to her. Likewise, the mother seemed very focused and attentative towards Simran and continually encouraged and praised what she was doing. The father on the other hand, although present in the room, seemed to have little or no impact on the child. Through Simrans behaviour, it seemed the only people present in that room that mattered to Simran were herself and her mother.
Another interesting aspect of the observation related to the violence that Charanjeet had displayed towards his mother and the protective response that came from Simran. The intervention shown by Simran shows the deep attachment she feels towards her mother and depths she would go to in trying to protect her.
Date 23rd October 2003
Time: 2:00pm
Observation Number 3
Observation
Present during today’s observation
- Simran
- Mother
- Father
- Charanjeet
The mother answered the door and greeted me; she then led me into the living room. I walked in and saw Simran who was looking at me quickly come over to stand by her mother.
Thought: Perhaps she did this to seek comfort/protection, as she did not yet feel confident enough to have me around in her presence.
Simran was looking undesirably at a plate she was holding, that had a piece of cheese on toast on it. “Beta you have to eat it all up, otherwise you wont get any sweets later” said the mother in a playful manner. “MAMA I DON’T WANT IT! I HATE IT!” Mother looked slightly at unease at her daughter’s tantrum. “OK beta, don’t eat it if you don’t want it”. Simran smiled lovingly again at her mum in a triumphant sort of way.
The mother looked at the time and tells Simran that Papa is late today. Simran acts indifferently to the comment and continues to play on the sofa. She rolls around on the floor occasionally looking up at me, maybe wondering what it is that I am looking at. Her attention then reverts back to her mother who is watching TV. Suddenly, mother gets up and remembers that she must go out and buy some Samosas, as if it were a matter of urgency. She asks me if I would mind looking after Simran for a few moments.
Feelings: Although I couldn’t refuse, I felt very uncomfortable at this point, as Simran was not fully comfortable having me in the house.
The mother then went to the cabinet in the living room and retrieved some photo albums. Simran looked over and then ran to her mother’s side knowingly. “Mama let me look, let me look” said Simran very excitedly. Mother said that they were for me to look at and then handed them to me. This action caused Simran to cry hysterically and resulted in her becoming aggressive towards her mother as she, to my astonishment and surprise, began thumping her on the thigh “You didn’t listen to me I said that I wanted to look”. Mother began to laugh at Simrans behaviour and tried to diffuse the situation by saying “Teena will think you’re a baby if you don’t be quiet”. This however did not make any difference as Simran continued to scream and rant at her mother. The mother quickly caved in and gave the album to Simran after apologising to me for Simrans behaviour.
At this point the father walks into the room and sees his daughter. Simran ignores him. Father says hello to Simran but is still ignored.
Feeling: I sigh with relief, as I now know that I do not have to worry about being left alone with Simran.
Thought: I was alarmed at the striking difference to the father’s entrance to that observed of both the mother and brother. Isn’t it extraordinary how a child who is brought up by two loving parents forms such close bond with one and not the other?
Mother then leaves to get the samosas after a slight protest from Simran. Left alone with just father and myself, Simran continues to look at her photos slowly turning each page using all four fingers of her right hand. Similarly to what I observed in week 1, without her mother’s presence she portrays an image of a young independent girl indifferent to her surroundings.
Thought: I find it very strange that she acts so child like in front of mother and so independent in front of her father.
On mothers return, Simran runs towards her mother as if she has not seen her for hours and welcomes her affectionately. Mother go to kitchen and Simran helps her by bringing in the plates for the food. The father moves the table so it is ready for us to eat on. The mother, before sitting to eat, remembers she has to make a phone call and leaves to do this in the hallway. Simran quickly follows but is soon ushered away.
Thought: Come back I can’t see what you are doing!
Seeming annoyed at her mother’s rejection and wanting some attention, Simran goes to her toy cupboard and brings out her keyboard and begins playing with it very loudly next to her mother. Mother, instead of discipling Simran, ignores her and the noise she is creating. The father suddenly emerges and tells Simran that she must behave and respect the fact that someone is on the phone. He insisted that she come back into the living room to allow mother to speak in peace.
After a while, the father wanders into the kitchen and sees the toast that Simran abandoned earlier on and brings it into the room. Father tells Simran sternly that she must eat the toast otherwise she will not be able to play with her keyboard. He then took the keyboard away from Simran. During this time, Simran avoided any eye contact with her father and instead had a tearful and dejected look on her face. She did not put up any protest, as she knew that she could not get around her father easily. Simran then instinctly ran to mother hoping that she would make it better, but mother was too engrossed in her telephone conversation to take any notice. After a few moments, Simran returns to the room and picks up the piece of toast and nibbles at it accepting the conditions her father has imposed.
Thought: Its quite apparent that there is a stark difference between how Simran accepts her fathers decision without any fuss and how she can manipulate her mother to change any decisions that she does not agree with.
Shortly after the mother entered the room, everyone settled down to eat and watch an Indian drama on the TV. Simran begins to sing loudly so that they cannot hear “Da da daa da da da daa….” and so it continues.
Ten minutes later Charanjeet arrives home from school with his grandfather. Charanjeets arrival, as seen in the previous weeks observation, brings instant joy to Simran and she starts chanting his name ecstatically “Charanjeet Charanjeet Charanjeet….”. Soon Simran’s attention is drawn to a book that Charanjeet has dropped and shouts, “Here’s your homework book Charanjeet”. Charanjeet snatches it off her and taps her on the hand and says, “Its not my homework book”. Simran then ran to her mother in protest who was, at the time, dusting in the kitchen. Whilst running, Simran fell and hit her head on the cabinet and began to cry uncontrollably. Mother dropped everything and immediately comforted Simran in her arms by swaying her from left to right and telling her it will be alright. At the same time she tells Charanjeet off for coming home and provoking a fight with his sister. Charanjeet at this point appeared somewhat rejected and aggrieved by his mother’s comments, as he was not to blame for what had happened. He then drew closer to his father’s side looking for protection and comfort. The father, who had been watching the whole incident, commented to his wife that Charanjeet did not do anything and that it was another case of Simran being allowed to get her own way again.
Thought: This incident to some degree may provide one explanation as to why Simran is at times unresponsive to her father as she sees him as the person that does not give in to her demands easily. Her mother, in contrast, caves into her every want and need easily and believes whatever she may say.
The parents then had a heated discussion about each others parenting skills and whose style of parenting was the most appropriate for bringing up their children. The father viewed his authoritative approach as the most suited as it instilled values of discipline and respect in their children, he saw his wife’s approach as being too soft and inappropriate for kids so young. Her attitude, he believes, caused immense problems when she tries to excerpt some discipline. The mother’s view on the subject was that it was important for her to be somewhat more lenient and compassionate, as she wanted the children to feel at ease in their own home and not to be in fear to show affection.
Feelings: I felt somewhat uncomfortable as the parents began a discussion on what I am observing and of their parenting skills. I tried to diffuse the situation by saying that I was not there to pass judgement on their parenting.
Thought: But maybe she is being a bit too lenient, as I have now seen on several occasions both children physically hitting the mother in protest if she is attempting to be instil some discipline.
Reflection
Again the strong bond between the mother and the daughter has been clearly displayed. At times it appears so strong that they seem to exclude, ignore or even confront other members of the family. It is evident why Simran has this strong bond, as in this observation the mother appears reluctant to discipline her and is seen by Simran as the parent who is the soft touch who will cave into her demands a lot easier. Simran is very much aware of this and uses it to her full advantage. In contrast, she views her father as the one who she has to obey without question, as he is the parent that she cannot influence or get around easily.
Also during this observation, it was evident that Simran plays up in front of her mother. She acts very clingy and wants to have all the attention from her mother. She displays behaviour that is not too dissimilar from a child who is much younger than her. This is in contrast to the behaviour she displays in the presence of her father, during which she acts very independent for her age and displays minimal interaction with her father.
