When we are first forming a relationship, we tend to use a number of non-verbal signals – particularly eye contact and smiling. We are also able to see the other person’s gender and age group. When chatting to someone on the Internet, this is not possible. One’s physical appearance recedes into the background and its disclosure to others is under the control of the individual who can choose when and how to reveal it. Unlike meeting people in a real world setting, meeting people on the Internet is a very limiting experience. On the Internet, the only thing you experience about people is what they write. You cannot touch them. You cannot see them. You cannot tell if they are laughing or crying. You cannot know if they are telling the truth or lying. Therefore, in the absence of physical contact, our first impressions of individuals may be very different from those made salient by communicators in face-to-face situations. However, the relevance of physical attraction to relationship development is undermined in the computer network and the lack of face-to-face involvement offers more fundamental opportunities in relationship development than merely altering the timing and content of self- disclosures.
Computer users can communicate with others in several ways, including electronic mail (email), and ‘chat rooms’. In these, people who are ‘on-line’ can enter a chat room and discuss issues with others. A message is typed and others can contribute, with each message scrolling up the screen. According to Wallace (1999), proximity, familiarity and exposure translate into intersection frequency, that is, how often a person who participates in a chat room is encountered. The more an individual anticipates encountering and communicating with another who is on-line, the more likely a personal relationship is to be established. Evidence suggests that ‘birds of a feather flock together’, and that the main similarities are those concerning beliefs, attitudes and values. This could also apply with Internet relationships. A chat room user may initially be attracted to another because of a shared agreement about some topic. As they share more information, so their chat may turn to one of a more personal nature – thus forming a relationship. The dream of finding love where you least expect it or finding a soul mate on some distant shore has been around since the days of Shakespeare. People are not just searching for better ways of meeting others -- they are also looking for good old-fashioned romance. However, the problem is that they have very little time to go out and look for it. Many people lack the time and opportunities to meet others in traditional ways. The allure of the Internet is that it allows people to use its vast resources to make new friends and discover potential love interests without having to leave the comfort of their home or invest a lot of time. Because the Net disables our tendency to rely on physical attraction, this gives people the opportunity to get to know one another without the weight of all the stereotypes of physical appearances. When you are online, you may feel that your needs for connection and friendship are being met by the people you meet there. However, because the Internet is limited to text, your needs are only partially and temporarily met. There are many needs that the Internet can never meet, such as the need for physical closeness.
For a lot of people, it would seem boredom and loneliness is the reason for their initially chatting on the Internet (boredom was the answer given by most of the people with whom I did the survey). Lots of people out there feel lonely. They feel lonely because of where they work, where they live, and how they live. The Internet overcomes these limitations by connecting people to hundreds of others all over the world. In the cyber world, the ‘boy next door’ may as easily be in Scotland as in Singapore. However, boredom comes in many guises. For people who were previously in a relationship, it could be the wanting to share their day with others – an attempt to replace the communication aspect of a relationship. Yet if you have previously been in a relationship where communication had broken down, you are going to be very wary of talking to someone else. Therefore, with the added bonus of anonymity, the Internet will seem very attractive. There are also many people who for whatever reason, are confined to the home – disabled, single parents and unemployed to name a few. The Internet is a way for them to meet and chat to people all over the world who have the same commitments and share the same interests as themselves. The Internet not only allows people to cross geographic barriers, it also allows people to cross racial, ethnic, gender, educational, socio-economic, and age barriers as well. By being able to remain anonymous on the Net, people gain a sense of confidence and security to say and do things they would never do in public. It does not matter how different people are in real life. On the Internet, everyone is the same. On one system, an individual commented “ I have talked to some people for years without knowing their real names or where they live, yet they are as much a presence in my life as if they were right in the room”, (Kerr, 1982). A participant from Presbynet (an open conference for the Presbyterian church), after exchanging messages with strangers for two months, declared “I know some of these people better than some of my oldest and closest friends, and I’m still constantly amazed at the companionship and warmth one can find at a computer terminal”, (Wilkins, 1991). Due to the in-depth way that these people talk, many of the relationships and friendships formed over the Internet, have just as much significance as those from the ‘real world’.
Many people say they feel happier on the Internet than they do in real life. In real life, they feel isolated, ignored, unloved, and alone. On the Internet, people feel like they are part of an extended family or a global community. They play all kinds of interactive games online, have intimate talks in chat rooms, and engage in role-playing activities with people they never met before. Being a stranger online does not last for long, however. The Internet is the only place on Earth where everyone does know your name -even if that name is one you created. The results of the small survey that I did showed me that the people that chat on the Net are diverse. They not only come from a variety of age groups, but from a wide range of areas and employment.
Although the Internet is a way of developing a relationship, the relationships that do form on the there can also be vulnerable because of the way humans are and the Internet is. People may disclose too much too soon and they may idealise and fantasise in unrealistic ways. It has been said that the role playing deceptions and gender swapping that people engage in, can make the Internet a bit risky for developing relationships, yet all of us at some point present different facets of our personalities to others that we meet – whether it be on or offline. It is also not uncommon for a person you have been chatting to for a while and are beginning to like – whether as a friend or romantic partner, to just disappear into thin air. Yet again, this can also happen in ‘real life’. However, if they do find someone willing to stick around long enough to start an ongoing relationship, they are often sorely disappointed when they finally meet their perfect match in person. When two people meet online and begin conversing, their perception of the other person is based more on their own set of needs and expectations than on the other person's characteristics (which they never see). The differences between perception and reality are revealed only after people meet and get to know one another in person. For the lucky few, these differences are minor. For the rest, the differences can range anywhere from mildly disappointing, to the worst-case scenario of an Internet stalker, highly dangerous. Like watching television, using a home computer and the Internet generally imply physical inactivity and limited face-to-face social interaction. Some studies have indicated that using a home computer and the Internet can lead to increased skills and confidence with computers. However, when people use these technologies intensively for learning new software, playing computer games, or retrieving information, they consume time and may find themselves spending more time alone.
References
Duck, S., Wood, Julia, T., 1995 Under-studied Relationships, Off the Beaten Track
Gross, R., et al, 2000 Psychology a New Introduction
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