The clothes that she wears is the same as the rest of the students but she thinks that they are not as nice. “get dressed in my black skirt and white shirt, which were not as nice as those of the other girls”
According to her she is an academic that helps her friends, but she refers to a boy, that is good with maths, as a genius that scares her. “But with Maths we all relied on one particular boy who scared me a lot. Sometimes the Maths genius did help us when he felt like it.” “Boys in my class did not like me very much – except when they needed help with school work.”
She could not find anything they had in common, like sport, background or appearance. Sizwe enjoys sport and is described as a “good-looking boy from Port Elizabeth who played rugby.” “I was not the one to go on the sports field. I was forever buried in my books.”
She would read about love but would not participate. “I thought he was crazy! What did a good-looking boy like that want with me – “, “not to sleep with boys! I told him so. I did not have to sleep with him, he wanted to be my boyfriend, he’s not blind, he can see I’m ugly”
She saw herself as not suited in comparison to the other girls. “I’ll go out with him. He had chosen an unsuitable girl and set the whole school on fire”
She saw herself as being unworthy of having a handsome boyfriend and saw herself as being ridiculed by the other girls, not realising that they were actually jealous. “They thought he was too good for me.” “I was ugly and did not have any fashionable clothes” “unkind remarks” “girls who hated me”
She finds herself to be a likeable person in at least one situation. “minister, Father Fikeni , had a soft spot for me. But then, maybe I don’t have to explain too much. I think everyone has somebody in their lives who seems to like them for no particular reason – just like that”
The author enjoyed the times that Bulelwa and herself spend under the trees. She enjoys “listening to her sing”, and “I wished I had a tape recorder so that I could tape her voice and have the pleasure of listening to her for the rest of my life.” She however thinks that she has an ugly voice.
The writer briefly mentions her sister, and the fact that she is the one who is paying for her education. One gets the feeling that although she doesn’t see her often she still cares about her and about what she thinks. She writes, that she can “imagine her face glowing when she received my good results and I wish I could be there to see it.” The fact that she said to Sizwe that she’s going to that specific school “not to sleep with boys!”, but for a good education, leaves one with a feeling that her studies are important to her.
Sizwe, the handsome rugby player from Port Elizabeth had an impact on her life, because of him she had to endure cruel remarks behind her back. The fact that he was interested in dating her caused her to be the object of ridicule and jealousy. The other girls were very hostile towards her and thought he was too good for her, and that “he was a city boy, and should therefore go for a city girl.” They also thought that she was ugly. She thought the same, and thought he just wanted to sleep with her, that’s why he said he loved her. He was a rugby player and she “was not the one to go on the sports field.” She was concentrating on her reading. After deciding to go out with him, she found out that he “was a lovely person” and they became good friends.
The author thought that her minister, Father Fikeni, had a “soft spot” for her. He encouraged her to go back to the choir. He also took her to the meeting, where she met and saw the praise poet in action. It could be argued that he knew what effect the praise poet would have on her.
The praise poet’s performance moved the author in such a strong way that she was at a loss for words, even years later. One could say that the writer had an epiphany the evening of the meeting, after watching the praise poet, when she said “I made the decision then and there that I was also a praise poet. That was a beautiful moment for me, to think of myself in that way.” She felt baptized when she felt the poet’s warm and sweaty hand, holding her own. One gets the impression that she felt as if she has given birth to a new creation, her first poem, the true beginning of her transformation. It is at this point she truly “fell in love with” herself and where she said “everything about me was just perfect”. She did not just dream about wanting to be like the praise poet, she started with her new journey. Watching the praise poet that evening must have been so amazing. To think that someone that has the ability to write poems, still to this day, find it difficult to describe the feeling she had that evening.
In the first sentence we are introduced to the author as being a teenager that is lacking in confidence, when she writes “feeling very unsure of myself”. The remainder of the paragraph is dedicated to the fact that she did “exceptionally well” academically; but this had no influence on the way she felt about herself. The transformation in this story is on an emotional level. Initially she experiences herself as being ugly but intelligent; with others only pretending to be her friends for help with their homework, when she writes “some of the girls were forced to be my part-time friends”. She describes her image as “Miss-Ugly-Top-of-the-Class”.
She did not love herself, her confidence level and self esteem was low. “I was just so ugly and awkward – I hated myself”
She contradicts herself by pretending not to notice, or be interested in boys. It is interesting that she proclaims: “They knew I was not very interested in boys” and in the next paragraph she says “I read love stories”.
It could be argued that she is a bit of a hypocrite as she is so used to the fact that people want something from her in exchange for friendship or love, that when Sizwe proclaimed his love for her, she immediately said “I went to that school to study, not sleep with boys!”
The writer’s life changed when she went to the meeting with Father Fikeni to listen to the “imbong – a praise poet”. This event changed her completely; she now liked her face, hair and the sound of her own voice; she says “everything about me was just perfect”. What started as a sad “unsure” individual ended in a happy self assured and self loving woman.
There was a rebellious moment when she decided to go out with the boy that all the girls wanted. “I thought, fine – I’ll go out with him. He had chosen an unsuitable girl and set the whole school on fire.”
There were times when the comments of the other girls caused a change of attitude towards them, which was positive for her. “I laughed alone as I imagined what they could be whispering about me.”
She was prepared to do a lot to help others but her moral standards were high as she was not willing to sleep with Sizwe just to be accepted.
Her attitude, towards life, changed when she came to realise that she felt beautiful and that she loved herself. “For the first time, I liked the texture of my hard, curly hair and my face didn’t feel so ugly – everything just felt fine.”
She felt positive and believed that anything was possible. “A woman praise poet – I’d never heard of one, but what did it matter? I could be the first one!”
She describes her physical appearance as negative at the start of the story. Here are a few of the descriptions:
- “I was very ugly and the fact that my hair was so hard to manage did not make things easier. I used to describe it as dry grass in winter”
- “I had knock knees and big feet.”
- “Miss-ugly-top-of-the-class”
- “my deep voice could be heard droning away,”
The minister has a positive influence on her and the descriptions associated with him and his wife, are all positive.
- “He said my voice was strong and resonant – not ugly.”
- “I stood there at the top of the stairs open-mouthed, unable to move or speak.”
- “Mrs Fikeni was a beautiful lady”
- “Many times in church, I would look at her and wish that some angel would come in to the church and ask me what I wanted. I knew exactly what I would ask for – I wanted to be as beautiful as the minister’s wife.”
- “It was so relaxed and beautiful as ever.”
The descriptions of the event, and the surroundings that was to influence her life so dramatically is noticeably more intense than any other she mentions in the story.
- “And then, all of a sudden, this man – tall, with big shoulders and a very dark face – leaped up from the crowd, his eyes flashing this way and that way,”
- “He wore a beautifully-made dark red hat with beads and long black feather on it. He had more beads around his neck and waist, and a leather skirt, with the front part reaching just above the knees and the back much longer and flowing behind.”
- “He carried a strong-looking sort of stick,”
- “He had a big, red almost blanket-like cloth, thrown casually over his arm.”
- “His use of language was pure and flowing – and so were his movements.”
The writer’s change from a negative to a positive attitude is clearly seen in the descriptions that follow after meeting the praise poet.
- “I liked the sound of my own voice”
- “I put the paper down and rang my fingers over my face to feel my features – the smile that wouldn’t leave my face, my nose, my cheekbones, my eyes, my ears – including the pointy parts at the top that made my ears look like cups; I even felt my hair and I liked that too.”
- “My voice sounded like it was a special voice, made specially to recite poems with dignity.”
- “That’s the day I fell in love with myself; everything about me was just perfect.”
The writer studies under a black wattle tree near the teachers’ cottages. It is a favourite place for her. “I loved that spot.”
In the dormitory the location of her bed, which is in the furthest corner from the door is the only description of where she lived.
The winter sun is described as being as lazy as the girls.
She is accustomed to bells waking her and therefore she finds the lack of it very peaceful during her visit with the minister.
The Chief’s place where the meeting is held is described as a communal area where one can sit on the grass, on the rocks or on wooden stools. It is situated near a cattle kraal. The sounds associated with that event are singing and loud voices.
The loud crow of a cock that is directed at her is interpreted as a form of agreement that the writer is happy.
The story begins with the writer feeling unsure of herself. She states in no uncertain terms that she does not love herself. “I hated myself.”
She felt great when Bulelwa could join her to study under the tree.
The term “coughing” was used when, at night, the writer recited chapters of the books that the girls were supposed to have studied.
She describes her voice as “droning”.
The writer’s preoccupation with an upcoming event brought the realisation that there were other people around. “I suddenly realised that I was not alone in the world.”
The emotions that the writer felt at the time she encountered the praise poet can not, until today, be described. “I was staring open-mouthed; even today, looking back, I still don’t know exactly how to describe the feeling I had then.”
“Miss-Ugly-Top-Of-The-Class”
This self chosen nickname was exactly how the writer felt about herself. She was intelligent, therefore at the top of the class, and she considered herself to be ugly “Miss-Ugly”.
The description of the praise poet is very effective because the energy that flowed from him can be felt while reading those paragraphs.
The second last paragraph that describes the writer’s happiness is indeed so effective that it, not only brings a smile to my face when I read it, but it manages to convince me that she is beautiful.
The last paragraph is indeed a happy ending to a story. I do believe the writer has the capability and the will to become a poet and the first female praise poet if she wants to.