A positive sense of self emerges and evolves when developmental needs are met in an appropriate way. This is not without conflict as the child needs a secure bond with his/her parents while striving for autonomy. Parents can provide for their children lovingly whilst perusing their own life as well (Holmes 1996). Pathological relationships occur when the child feels rejected or disdained (Bowlby 1988).
According to Holmes if parents cannot deal with problems among their children, the problem continues and the cycle reinforced (Holmes 1996). Winnicott (1990) suggests that children who experience parents who cannot deal with their own difficulties will end up with the same problems themselves.
“Maternal and the parental” insecurity results in complications across generations (Holmes 1993).
It has been well established that the early relationship with parents or care person impacts the development of a child's cognitive ability, shapes its capacity to modulate affect, acquire the ability to empathize with the feelings of others, and it is suggested that even the shape and functioning of a child’s brain will be influenced (Greenspan (1997), Schore (1994), and Siegel (1999)). It is for that reason that the attachment and care giving systems are at the heart of that crucial first relationship.
Attachment theory was developed by John Bowlby during his observation of evacuated children during World War II and it describes the dynamics of long term relationships. Its most important tenet is that an infant needs to develop a healthy relationship with at least one primary caregiver for social and emotional development to occur normally and that further relationships are built on the patterns developed in the earliest relationship (Bowlby 1988).
A healthy attachment leads a happy, secure base for a child (Holmes 1993). Positive attachment occurs where the parents are consistently attentive to the needs of the child and provide a secure base from which the child can confidently explore the world and it’s surrounding (Bowlby 1988).
Inevitably, a worried child with problems will complain and distanced (Bowlby 1988). This pattern reinforces itself and will continue into the next generation (Bowlby 1989).
Mary Ainsworth identified three types of attachment. One is the secure base attachment. This means the child will be happy and secure in responding when a difficult situation arrives. This gives them confidence to learn to explore and find out.
The second pattern is the anxious/resistant attachment. This means the child is unsure if a response will be available. This will result in anxiety and separation and he/she will be apprehensive in exploring.
The third pattern is avoidant and anxiety. This means that the infant has absolutely no confidence in their parents to help or to assist in times of need and expects to be neglected. The child will grow up without love or support.
In addition Main and Solomon described disorganised and disoriented behaviour as a forth pattern of attachment (Main and Solomon (1990). The lack of a clear and consistent pattern of response to attention from their caregivers is symptomatic in those babies. Such babies often even avoid or resist approaches to them. Other reactions are being scared or being still in the event of an attentive approach.
Once a pattern of attachment has started it tends to continue and this is due to the way the parents look after the child. Each situation can reinforce the patterns (Bowlby 1988).
It is important to understand psychological defences. They are the way we keep ourselves safe in relationships. It also means the characteristic behaviours or psychological mechanisms that we use to ward off unwanted feelings. This includes unpleasant relational experiences or known as “security operations”.
Teyber (2000) described three coping styles: Moving towards others .i.e. pleasing, placating. Moving away from others: i.e. emotionally withdrawing, physically avoiding, being self-sufficient. Moving against others: i.e. seeking to be in control of self and others, being angry and confrontational.
My own experience in dealing with clients is confirmed by Ainsworth. For example person A had a very difficult upbringing. She was neglected by her parents. She was emotionally abused and often forgotten. There was a break down in trust and because of that she suffers depression. She believes there is nobody there to love her.
She sought out counselling after her boyfriend left her. A clear example of repeating patterns of behaviour leading to feelings of neglect and rejection were demonstrated by the client. After several sessions she began to realise that negative relationship patterns had been formed in and she tended to seek out men are emotionally distant like her parents. She feels she has been rejected by her parents all over again, and this reinforces negative emotions and thought patterns.
Freud called this the repetition compulsion and this should be taking into consideration within the therapeutic relationship. Freud believed that repeated relational patterns occur as an individual tries to understand negative early experiences and this fixated on relations that will steer them towards similar negative experiences (Kahn 1991).
Within the therapy is important to recognise as Freud discovered that transference can occur affecting the therapeutic relationship. Transference is the way in which the client seeks and responds to the therapist and the reactions they set out to provoke. According to Freud there are two tendencies. In the first they perceive the relationship to be synonymous in their earliest one and secondly, they will try to recreate this within the therapeutic relationship. To avoid this situation arising it is important for the therapist to ensure that they do not respond in a way that reinforces the negative relational patterns. This is called counter transference (Kahn 1991).
“The laws of counter transference dictate that therapists will sometimes feel strong pressure to responding this way, it is necessary to be vigilant and keep a watch post on counter transference”. (Kahn1991).
According to Khan (1991) people have strong desires to create and replay situations within relationships that have caused them great pain and anxieties in their childhood.
Rogers is credited with bringing the therapists concern with regards to the quality of the therapeutic relationship into the centre of attention which emphasises the client as the therapist’s main concern (Kahn 1991).
“Rogers’s belief is that human beings need to be loved, and when their need is not met, the result is confusion and pain” (Kahn 1991). Thus, if the therapist successfully conveys the experience of this love, the client will enable to pursue directions as they desire (Kahn 1991).
Congruence, unconditional positive regards and empathy are three essential ingredients in the rational approach to counselling.
Congruent means that the therapist muss be mindful of their own personal feelings, emotions, attitudes and behaviour. Rogers suggested that therapists who lack this will not be able to help clients in overcoming their difficulties. It is also essential that the therapist not be defensive but instead be open, accepting and treat the clients with respect in a non judgmental manner (Kahn 1991).
According to Kahn (1991) “Clients are worthwhile human beings struggling gamely to find their way back to their birthright of growth and self-development, and as such, should be prized”.
Mearns & Thorne (1988) suggested: "Unconditional positive regard is the label given to the fundamental attitude of the therapist towards her client. The therapist who holds this attitude deeply values the humanity of her client and is not deflected in that valuing by any particular client behaviours. The attitude manifests itself in the therapist's consistent acceptance of, and enduring warmth towards her client."
Empathy denotes the ability to truly enter the client’s inner thoughts and emotions (Rogers 1961). Being receptive to the client’s emotions in itself creates a new experience to the client and enables therapeutic change (Rogers 1961). Offering the client a sensitive understanding when they express their inner feelings is a powerful means of actually making clients realize that they have those feelings which they often was not even fully aware (Kahn 1991).
Therapeutic empathy obviously requires the ability to adapt to the client’s mind set. It, however, should not go as far as to suppress and restrain the client’s inner world. As Kahn puts it: “To have empathy is to experience the client’s world the way the client experiences it, but to experience it without getting lost in it” (Kahn 1991).
The relational approach also embraces the wider social/political context of the therapeutic relationship. The understanding of social processes becomes of particular importance when working with clients from diverse social, cultural or ethnic backgrounds. Lago suggests that therapists should acquire a particular awareness of the “specificities” of various cultures to gain a level of competence for working with the culturally different (Lago 1996).
It is common place that race, class, gender, sexual orientation and the way those are perceived in society have an impact on the development of a client’s personality. Awareness of such attributes is important for a successful client relation. The way those influences are played out for each individual is, however, diverse and by no means pre-determined. Personal experiences may differ individually and may interfere with numerous other influences such that assumptions which are solely based on social or cultural categorisations (Lago 1996).“There are no knowable characteristics attributed to specific heritage, sexuality or genders that the psychologist can depend on to interpret the client’s experience” (Lago 1996)
The implementation of the relational model has a bearing on the approach the therapist should take in setting the frame for the client relationship. The desired emphatic and sensitive interaction between therapist and client requires an environment and atmosphere that facilitates the sharing of emotional experiences and feelings. At the base of the relational model these past childhood relationships will be “exerting unconscious effects on the present” (Kahn 1991). The relational approach requires awareness of transference and counter transference. In the therapeutic relationship the client will be re-experiencing issues of past relationships. Therefore, the notion of a psychodynamic power imbalance will be inhibitive. The therapist should avoid being perceived by the client as asserting authority over him/her. Notwithstanding its indispensable value, in the relational approach, the therapists must deemphasise his/her professional knowledge, experience and skill.
Main, M., & Solomon, J. (1990). Procedures for identifying infants as disorganized/disoriented during the Ainsworth Strange Situation. In M. T. Greenberg, D. Cicchetti, & E. M. Cummings (Eds.), Attachment in the preschool years (pp. 121160). Chicago: University of Chicago Press.
Mearns, D., and Thorne, B. (1988). Person-centred Counselling in Action. London: Sage.
Freud, S. (1926). Psychoanalysis: Freudian school. Encyclopedia Britannica, 13th Edition.
Greenspan, S.1. (1997). The growth of the mind and the endangered origins of intelligence. Reading, MA: Perseus Books.
Rogers, Carl. On Becoming a Person, pages 283-84. Boston: Houghton Mifflin. 1961.
Schore, A. N. (1994). Affect regulation and tire origin of the self.' The neurobiology of emotional development. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.
Siegel, D. J. (1999). The developing mind: Toward a neurobiology of interpersonal experience. New York: The Guildford Press.
Teyber, E. (2000). Interpersonal process in psychotherapy. (5th ed.) Brooks/Cole Counseling, Belmont, CA.