Friendships based on utility and on pleasure could be explained by the Social Exchange Theory proposed by Homans (1958, in Befu 1977) who said that social change and stability is a process of negotiated exchanges between parties such that all human relationships are formed by the use of a subjective cost-benefit analysis and the comparison of alternatives. Literature teems with discussions on friendship implicitly grounded on the framework of rewards or benefits of friendships. Hayes (1984) identified four rewarding friendship behaviors: companionship (sharing activities or one another's company), consideration (helpfulness, utility, support), communication (discussing information about one's self, exchanging ideas and confidences), and affection (expressing sentiments felt toward one's partner). Wright (1985) distinguished five interpersonal rewards or friendship values: utility (providing material resources or helping with tasks), stimulation (suggesting new ideas or activities), ego support (providing encouragement by downplaying setbacks and emphasizing successes), self-affirmation (behaving in ways that reinforce a friend's valued self-characteristics) and security (providing a feeling of safety and unquestioned trust).
More recent literature deals with categorization of friends that explicate the value of friends. In his comprehensive research, Rath (2006) came out with eight categories of friends according to their role in our lives: builder, champion, collaborator, companion, connector, energizer, mind opener, and navigator. Builders are friends who motivate, encourage, enlighten us on our strengths and truly want us to succeed. Champions stand up for us and support us. Collaborators are those who share our passions and interests. Companions are those who will be there for us no matter what. Connectors help us get what we want by building bridges. Energizers are spirit boosters and a source of inspiration and amusement. Mind openers enrich our vision and stimulate creativity. Navigators are our anchors and rudders who counsel and guide us in achieving our dreams.
The discursive content teems with so much more explications on friendship as a ubiquitous and dynamic aspect of our lives. Kephart (2000) says,
"Throughout our lives, friends enclose us, like pairs of parentheses. They shift our boundaries, crater our terrain. They fume through the cracks of our tentative houses, and parts of them always remain. . . . Friendship asks and wants, hollows and fills, ages with us and we through it, cradles us, finally, like family. It is ecology and mystery and language, all three."
Childhood Friendships
In emphasising the remarkable influence of friendships in the life of a child, James Baldwin (1897) argues: "The development of the child’s [morality] could not go on at all without the constant modification of his sense of himself by suggestions from others. So he himself, at every stage, is really in part someone else, even in his own thought of himself" (quoted in Ellis 2001). A child is able to develop his sense of self through his friendships as he matures.
Unlike the complex views and inclinations of adults towards friendships, a child’s perspective develops from rudimentary predisposition to more sophisticated concepts. They go through four main stages of developing friendships as theorised by Rawlins (1992). The first stage happens at ages three to six years when children consider momentary physicalistic playmates as friends. Children consider as friends those with whom they engage in games or enjoyable activities, thus friendship is based on physical attributes and proximity. Rawlins (1992) asserts that children at this age hold an egocentric or simple conceptualisation of friendship thus they consider as friend someone who gives them things, who shares toys or who plays with them. Considering their short attention span, friendships are usually brief and transitory. During this period, children begin to develop some social skills needed to shape more lasting friendships such as taking turns, managing their emotions and sharing. Some children at this stage will also begin to demonstrate some degree of consistency as they relate more frequently with preferred playmates. (Allan 1989)
The second stage occurs at ages six to nine years which follows a pattern that Rawlins (1992) describes as opportunity and activity is marked by an increased understanding of the concepts of reciprocity and mutual rather than one-way assistance as they start to view others in more relational terms such as supportiveness. Although they still tend to define friendship according to physical characteristics and possessions, this stage is marked by growing awareness of the motives, thoughts and feelings of others. Children at this age still tend to describe their friends according to physical characteristics and possessions, but sometimes think of them in more relational terms, such as showing liking and supportiveness. Largely self-oriented and opportunistic, children at this stage consider friends those who share their views and the opposite when opinions collide. Friends, who are usually of the same sex and age, are those who live in the same environment and occupy similar social status and social maturity.
The third stage is marked by a sense of reciprocity and equality, greater selectivity in choosing friends, gender split and relatively more enduring relationships. It occurs approximately between nine and twelve years of age when children develop deeper awareness of other people’s ideas as well as how their words and actions may affect others. Thus, support, trust and loyalty become more valued than simply playing together. Children during this phase increasingly respond to others in terms of attitudes, beliefs, values as they learn to infer these characteristics by observing others’ behavior and to recognise that others could also learn these characteristics in the same manner. Rawlins (1992) argues that with a more developed cognitive ability, children are able to "step outside" of the self and put themselves in the shoes of others. Now able to adopt a shared outlook and accept differences, they base their opinions not only on their personal standpoint but also on the perspective of others. Shedding off some degree of egocentricity and opportunism, children at this stage recognise the value of reciprocity in the benefits and rewards of friendship. Thus, their more enduring friendships surpass separation and intermittent squabbles(Allan 1989).
The preadolescent period occurring at approximately ten to fourteen years of age is defined as the stage of mutuality and understanding (Rawlins 1992). Because of increased peer pressure, this stage shows children engaging in greater depth and breadth of self disclosure and desirous of acceptance and understanding by friends. They also begin to understand that there are different types of friendship, from mere acquaintances to close friends, as they begin to recognise the totality of someone else’s personality (Allan 1989). Traits, attitudes, values, attributes and interests are now being factored into the search for real friends who they regard as intrinsically worthwhile and who they relate in more intense and emphatic ways. Rewards are given not on the basis of reciprocity but on worthiness. Anchored on voluntary interdependence and a mutual personalized interest and concern, Rawlins (1992) proposes that at this phase, friendships boost self-esteem and provides a realm for expressing and trying out personal thoughts and feelings more freely. The intensity and exclusivity of preadolescent friendships, however, may lead to cliquishness and animosity between sets of friends, jealousy, and competitiveness. Nonetheless, a more mature understanding of friendship allow preadolescents to cure differences and prolong friendships.
Adolescent Friendships
The adolescent stage is often characterised as the most unstable development stage, marked by confusion, frustration and conflict (Allan 1989). The enormity and variety of developmental tasks during adolescence entail conflicting ideologies and values plus a plethora of activities and concerns. One special concern is developing and nurturing friendships as an extension of the views and values gained from friendship relationships during childhood (Berndt 1996). Peers are believed to be the major socializing agent during adolescence. Through friendships, adolescents learn about what others are doing, anticipate accepted and expected behavior, figure out how to present themselves, and find partners for trying out new behaviors, thus they experience a greater need for intimacy and an increased capacity to enter close relationships or peer groups (Berndt 1996).
Gottman and Parker (1987) outline six important functions of friendships in an adolescent’s life which they theorised as follows:
1. Companionship – a friend shares time and effort in group activities that define identity, interests, abilities and personality;
2. Stimulation – a friend provides knowledge, amusement, and excitement as well as the opportunity to learn how to interact with others
3. Physical support – a friend gives time and resources;
4. Ego support – a friend boosts self-worth, helps develop a positive self-image and engenders a sense of competency;
5. Social comparison – a friend informs and rates others in comparison fashion as well as the status of others; and
6. Intimacy/affection – a friend demonstrates warmth, empathy, confidence and loyalty
Caught in a tug-of-war between varying choices, an adolescent is faced with a daunting task of unravelling and deciding which options to take and integrating these choices into a personal identity (Berndt 1996). For example, while they struggle to gain independence from parental control, adolescents still have to rely on their parents for support. However, at this stage, friends begin to surpass parents as adolescents’ primary source of social support and contribute in important ways to adolescents’ self-concept and well-being (Furman & Buhrmester, 1992). As much as they recognise their parents’ ideals as sources of continuity and stability, they crave and are drawn to the non-judgmental predisposition of friends who they deem as caring equals. Close friends offer "a climate of growth and self-knowledge that the family is not equipped for" (Douvan and Adelson 1966, p. 174).
To feel that need for social acceptance, adolescents are drawn to friendship networks that weave into an atmosphere of peer relationships. While it is widely believed that friendships could foster beneficial results, it is also argued that such relationships among adolescents could also bring pejoratives in the form of crime and delinquency (McCarthy & Hagan 1995). This is attributed to what is called as peer influence effect (Akers 1998) where teenagers are exposed to pro-delinquent predispositions and modelling of delinquent behavior by delinquent friends. In one study that demonstrated contagious reciprocity in behaviors, it was found that members of friendship groups tend to be similar in terms of aggression, popularity, academic success, and even physical attractiveness Cairns and Cairns (1995).
It cannot be denied that the patterns evident in adolescents' peer networks have important implications for adolescent behaviors, including problem behaviors. However, adolescent friendships also serve as prototypes for adult relationships in social and work settings, as well as interactions with members of the opposite sex. As they mature into adulthood, individuals bring along with them the important lessons they have gained from adolescent friendships.
Adult Friendships
Friends continue to occupy significant roles in a person’s continuing developmental drama of adulthood. Throughout our lives, friends provide a reference outside the family for judging and measuring our thoughts feelings and actions, that shape an autonomous sense of self amidst new roles and new rules (Allan 1989).
The importance of having friends in adulthood is most clearly explained by Rubin (1985) when she said that "It is with friends that we test our sense of self-in-the-world, that our often inchoate, intuitive, unarticulated vision of the possibilities of a self-yet-to-become finds expression." Rubin claims that certain aspects of the self can only be expressed and nurtured through friendships outside the realm of family. As in a person’s earlier life, close friendships are propitious for healthy adjustment and well-being among throughout the stages of adulthood (Adams & Blieszner 1996).
Young adults who are faced with the challenges of emotional independence and career usually come into new social networks and develop new friendships. New friends help them to overcome loneliness and isolation and to facilitate adjustment (Adams & Blieszner 1996). During middle adulthood when individuals are introduced into major life events including marriage, parenthood, and accelerated career development, friendships are fewer and more focused to workmates and potential partners. In the work world though, friendships among men revolve around camaraderie and commonality of activities rather than personal self-disclosure and expressiveness (Allan 1989). Women who are beset with family responsibilities and sometimes with part-time jobs have less opportunities to develop new friendships but tend to welcome more friends as their children become independent. By age sixty-five, older adults exhibit two patterns of friendships – 1) reduced opportunities for new friendships due to health, energy and mobility problems, and 2) cultivation or deepening of existing friendships. Old women rely on real friends to meet their expressive needs and to maintain their morale. Older men who, in spite of losing friends when they retire, continue to maintain enduring friendships or to make new ones are buoyed with self-fulfilment and satisfaction (Allan 1989).
Conclusion
Seeking friends and maintaining friendships will remain to be a recurrent and perennial pursuit regardless of one’s age and circumstances. Friends indeed contribute to our sense of self-worth. The footprints they leave in our hearts are the nuggets that build our sense of wholeness. As often said, friends complete us. In many ways, friendship is a significant agent to personal growth and social development.
It is inspiring to end this paean by quoting Kephart (2000) who said “I am who I am because my friendships keep on growing — because there are always new people slipping into my life, new voices, new stories, new faces I look for, new homes that open up to me. . . . Because all friendships are finally mirrors, they provide proof that we do exist.”
References
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