I perched over the wall, looking deep into the darkness. Deep, with unfocused pupils trying to forget it all. I stared at the sophisticated shapes of the mosque when my eyes suddenly came into focus. I sat and observed the devout Muslims, not coming to pray but to bargain with Allah. The regulars were all there; the blind woman wishing to see her daughter for the first time; the schoolgirl praying to do well in her exams, somehow bargaining at the same time; and Shahbana-the searching mother.
Shahbana had an interesting story, but remembering it was the hardest thing for me to do. No matter how hard I tried I could never forget him. He is my brother, Shahid Ahmed, and I am Sheeza. This is my story.
August 14th 1997
It was six-thirty and Abu hadn't returned home yet. Ammi was getting worried. Our dwelling was in the midst of a battlefield. Therefore being home one minute late was compared to hell. The once captivating valleys of bewitching Kashmir were now destroyed. Terrorists roamed the streets daily to shriek their political messages. Shrieking through bloody throats. Killing to be heard.
I sat and observed my surroundings. We constantly tried to forget the war so our house was decorated like paradise. My eyes flittered over the wooden mirror to my brother's distinctive grey eyes. We've always been very close as brother and sister but today he was acting strangely. He'd spent his day with Hassan Ali. Hassan believed in the principles of Islam, he enjoyed preaching them to people with his rigid conviction, it was practically his hobby. Ammi hated the extremism of Hassan and forbade Shahid to converse with him.
The doorbell unexpectedly played its melodic chimes as Abu entered. Ammi lost her head! Abu was a full seven minutes late and that was too much in our shattered Kashmiri combat zone. She began yelling at him for being so late. Shahid and I were used to their constant bickering and ignored it as I insisted to be difficult and began a conversation.
"I saw you with Hassan again. Why are you always with him?"
Shahid's cheeks went as red as chilli powder, as his eyes darted across into his bedroom. He possessed a look of terror over his youthful, fourteen year old face.
"Well, tell me then,"
"We had some," he paused as his face screwed into a thoughtful look "business to deal with, never ask me such things again"
Suddenly, what we've been dreading for our entire life happened. A fist banged onto our feeble wooden door, a fist full of rage. Abu signalled us to stay still, as it would lead us to our unsightly youthful deaths. It made no difference as the savages destructed the door and ran in. A shiver trickled down my fragile back. Abu's eyes widened with fear as we witnessed dozens of men sprinting into our beautiful living room.
"Take whatever you want! Please don't harm the children!" my father shrieked ear-piercingly as a cold hand grabbed the sleeve of my Salvaar Kameez. My entire body stiffened. I tried to move out of the way but my body stayed stationary. My mouth had become surprisingly dry, even after the bottle of water I had just consumed. The man with the cold bloody hand on my shoulder lifted his other repulsive arm to reveal a gun. Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion. His arm carried on flying upwards and a bullet came soaring out of the revolver. My eyes blurred as I couldn't see what was happening. My father's over-sized brain had just been shot. He fell onto our stony floor with a loud thud. This couldn't have been happening; my father's corpse was lying in front of my inexperienced eyes. My mother somehow exhausted a shriek and began screaming. Shahid collapsed onto the floor not being able to take it. The savage holding me let go of me and picked up Shahid instead.
"Shut up you crazy witch or I'll take your son too" but Ammi had gone crazy. She continued to yell on the top of her elderly voice. The terrorist located his gun onto Shahid's forehead and stormed out of the room. The shock was too much for me to take as my petite, fifteen year old body buckled onto the floor. My eyes closed softly and the entire world and frustrations filtered through.
November 19th 2004
A gentle hand reached up onto my cheeks to wipe away my tears. I turned around to see where this ...
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"Shut up you crazy witch or I'll take your son too" but Ammi had gone crazy. She continued to yell on the top of her elderly voice. The terrorist located his gun onto Shahid's forehead and stormed out of the room. The shock was too much for me to take as my petite, fifteen year old body buckled onto the floor. My eyes closed softly and the entire world and frustrations filtered through.
November 19th 2004
A gentle hand reached up onto my cheeks to wipe away my tears. I turned around to see where this comforting touch was coming from to see my fiancée, Tariq blessing me with his presence. My heart filled with the same love and affection that lived in my heart before that fatal day. Tariq is the type of boy that every girl wishes for. He's caring, thoughtful and knows exactly how to treat me. I looked up at him with a look resembling that of a tortured child longing for one small hug and Tariq recognised it instantly and gave me the magical hug I truly needed and deserved.
"It's okay, don't worry honey, I'm here" his sweet voice calmed me so softly.
"I miss him so much. Even with you here with me it doesn't help me" Tariq tightened his grip around me
"Ammi's waiting for you downstairs, come, and don't worry about anything"
We let go of each other and walked down to the mosque. We could not be hugging in front of my mother as we were not yet married. We crept down the decaying steps and to Ammi. We could see the same beads of tears trickling down her cheeks that dwelled there after every mosque visit. I reached out and gave her the same hug that Tariq had just given her and advised her to calm down. This was a daily pastime for our small incomplete family. Ammi at the mosque; me remembering the terrors; Tariq calming me down and me transferring that love to Ammi.
"Ammi, I've made a decision, and I want yours and Sheeza's approval on it" This comment slightly perplexed me.
"Yes, our approval and blessings are always with you. But out of curiosity, what exactly is your decision?" Ammi answered.
"I know how much pain and misery Shahid's kidnapping has bought you and therefore I request that Sheeza and I go and find him." Mother gave him a look of confusion that rapidly turned into a look of reassurance.
"The police are trying their best."
"The police aren't doing anything! The police have been 'doing their best' for seven years and look we still haven't found him!" Tariq despised the Kashmiri police because they were malevolent and incredibly corrupt.
"Calm down Tariq" I placed my hand onto his shoulder in comfort "But I must admit I'm intrigued, please proceed"
"I propose that Sheeza and I go around the terrorism hotspots with Hassan-"
"-No! Hassan has been trouble since the tender age of fourteen! I don't want you to endanger yours and Sheeza's life too!"
"Ammi! Let him finish na"
"Hassan and his gang for security and try to find Shahid"
"Sheeza should not go with you; she is a young woman that can face all sorts of risks"
"But she'll be with me and Hassan treats her like his big sister" Ammi took a minute to think about it while I pondered, was this the right thing for me to do? It was true that being reunited after such a long time would be the answer to many of our devastations but Ammi was right, being a young woman exposed to Kashmiri terrorism was a huge risk. I decided I was willing to take it. Anything for Shahid.
"Ammi, please I'm willing to take any risk to get Shahid back" Then a curious thing happened, Ammi began crying! Tariq ran towards her and put his arm around her, I ran to put my arm on her other shoulder
"I've already lost your father and your brother, please don't make me lose the only person I have left" We both hugged her tightly and decided to overlook it for now
*****
After Abu and Shahid left the family, Ammi and I were unable to live in Kashmir without men around. At that moment Hassan's family adopted us into theirs and we grew up with them around. Ammi did not enjoy being trapped into Hassan's world but there was no other alternative so we accepted it and stayed with them. Ammi always insured though that our beliefs on Islamic principles never became as extreme as Hassan's.
"Sheeza, go back to sleep, please" That's Shamaila, Hassan's sister that I live with. She's right I need to sleep.
*****
"Wake up Sheeza! Ammi has some important news for you and Tariq" Shamaila screeched. My eyes slowly fluttered open thinking of what this news may be and the moment I remembered I leaped out of bed and raced my shadow down the steps to see Tariq, Hassan and Ammi all seated together waiting for my arrival. Tariq looked quite confused but once seeing me he looked calmed. Hassan had a wide grin on his face and smiled once I walked in.
"Sheeza, sit" I looked befuddled at this canine command but did as my mother demanded. "I have spent my entire evening examining Tariq's proposal and have come to my final decision. I have spoken to Hassan about the worst scenarios and am convinced you are in good hands. Therefore you may go provided that you're responsible adults about the entire situation." I couldn't believe it; I was going to find my brother, finally!
"Thank you so much Ammi. You won't regret this, I promise. Sheeza we need to pack"
*****
My eyes had been glued to my feet for the past three hours. Looking out the window made me feel death and destruction in the worst ways possible due to the horrendous Kashmiri war. I found my refuge in Tariq's eyes for a while but became more conscious of my actions with Hassan's gang staying around me. Their extremity of preaching Islamic principles weren't as strong as mine.
My hand reached into my handbag and took out a picture of Shahid. It was a fourteen your old picture of me and him, yet I didn't need a picture to find him. Every single tone of his face lived inside my heart, yet Tariq didn't know what he looked like.
"Sheeza, we're nearing the biggest terrorism hotspot. Get your things together and please be careful"
My heart leapt with a mixture of joy and suspense as I got my things and got out of the car. My feet felt very heavy and my footsteps felt like weights were strapped around my ankles. This lump had appeared into my throat that felt as large as a bulldozer. We walked on and Hassan's gang made a formation around me to protect me, we continued walking down into the biggest death wish possible and I put my foot into the death-zone. I looked around the room and started scanning every single face in sight.
"Is there anyone in here named Shahid?" Hassan proclaimed. Humorously, seven people turned around at the mention of the name. I scanned these seven people thoroughly. Tariq's grip tightened on my shoulder because one of the Shahid's began looking at me in a perverted way.
The Shahid's formed a line which quite resembled a line a criminal line-up. Tariq and I walked down the line and began studying my potential brothers.
"Sheezu?" My heart leaped! A deep voice came from behind me, I turned around so fast my neck cricked and in front of me was Shahid! He'd changed so much but his eyes remained that same grey colour. He'd become exceedingly tall forcing me to strain my neck to look into his eyes. His lips were a shade of pink that complimented his light complexion. He had a small beard caressing his manly chin and colossal Adam's apple. But the look in his eyes had a look of the same fourteen year old boy he had left behind. But the love in my heart totally vanished as I saw the rifle in his hand. I felt as if my heart had been knocked over. My brother was a terrorist.
"Shahid! What are you doing here?" I enquired
"Sheeza? This is no place for a woman to be! Why are you walking shamelessly with a group of men and without at least covering your head?"
"I've heard so much about you sir, I am Tariq, your brother-in-law to be"
"As in, you're marrying my sister?" Tariq beamed "Congratulations Sheeza!" My face glowed. Tariq looked across at the Shahid that was looking at me "Let's talk somewhere else, this place isn't safe for you" A smile grew onto my face like a rash, I was with my brother! The brother I'd spent so long wanting to be near. The brother Ammi had given everything up for. I was standing next to him! The excitement was too much for me that I fainted
*****
Shahid was sitting at the top of my bed looking furious. This bamboozled me slightly. I inspected the rest of the room looking your Tariq's handsome face but could not find it.
"Where's Tariq?" I asked my little brother
"Don't marry him Sheeza. I don't approve of him at all. You can do miles better Bhaji, just please don't marry him"
"Shahid nothing you can do can influence my decision on Tariq. He is the one Allah has made for me"
"If you don't want to listen to me then I forbid you from marrying him. Bhaji you are not to marry him"
"Shahid, what's wrong? Let's forget him for now; I want to ask you some questions"
"I'm not going to forget this issue this easily, but for now let's proceed" There was a brief pause while I tried to conceive a way of saying it.
"After the kidnapping, why did you never try to escape, to come home" Shahid looked at me in a very forgiving way.
"Sheeza, I did escape,"
"But you never came home" Shahid inhaled deeply
"I escaped from home; the whole kidnapping was set up to free me from that cage" I felt as if I'd just been punched. Were my ears defying me?
"What did you need to escape from at home?"
"Abu, Ammi. They didn't understand Allah in the same way I did and Abu was annoying me."
"He was annoying you? Our father is dead! You gave him so much trouble yet you won't leave his soul to rest either?"
"Listen to me Sheeza; I could no longer survive in that caged world. I needed a way out somewhere"
"But you could've written to tell Ammi and me you were still alive! Ammi sat praying every moment of the day for two years hoping you were going to return. You never came and she destroyed her life looking for you! No one expected you to be here out of all places. You're a terrorist Shahid!"
"I am helping Kashmir gain the independence they deserve!"
"Shahid! You are helping kill the entire population. By the time you've finished 'helping gain independence' there won't be a Kashmir left to make independent!"
"You can't just walk into my happy life like this and preach to me! At least I'm trying to help"
"Help? You call terrorism help? Terrorists terrorize! You're not helping at all!"
"Well what are you doing to help Kashmir?"
"I'm making sure the children of the state get an education. I'm a teacher and I feel I'm doing something special"
"Look let's ease of the subject"
"Yes that's a good idea. Where's Tariq?"
"Tariq's gone"
"What do you mean by that?" I looked at him very confused. Shahid looked very apologetic about something. I carried on looking at him quite puzzled. "Shahid, What've you done?"
"We came to a huge disagreement and he isn't right for you"
"Oh now my little brother that walked out of my life seven years ago is going to tell me how to life my life when he doesn't know how to live his own" Shahid leapt to his feet. I could see I'd touched a nerve
"You think you're so special and amazing? Tariq's dead! And I killed him!" I started laughing, Shahid used to always mess with me as children, and it was our unique way of bonding "You think I'm joking? I have a very short temper and I would've beheaded you a few minutes ago but you're my sister so I decided against it but that Tariq boy has a lot of nerve. So I beheaded him" It wasn't true, it just couldn't be. Nobody could be that evil. I looked at his face full of anger, full of insanity and jumped up
"Tariq!" I cried "Tariq!" I ran into the adjacent room looking for him, shrieking his name as I scuttled through
"There's no use" A manic voice behind me said. "He can't here you where he is"
"What is your problem Shahid? Why did you take his life? How does his death achieve Kashmiri independence?" Shahid had a response but I was too astonished to listen. Shivers ran down my back as I thought about it. I'd just sacrificed my fiancée for this madman? My legs could no longer withstand my weight therefore I collapsed onto the floor. No tears came out because I'd drained them all as a child. My blemished eyes closed for the last time.
Translation
Urdu English
Allah
God
Abu
Father
Ammi
Mother
Salvar Kameez
Indian dress
Bhaji
Big Sister
