I am reciting a Monologue I wrote as Matilda at the end of the novel Mister Pip about her relationship between herself and her mother and Mr. Watts.

My mother could have remained silent. My rape wouldn’t have been a high price to save my mum’s life. I would have survived it. So would my mum. I never understood my mum. I understood her hatred for Mr. Watts. But I realized soon after, that it was not Mr. Watts that she despised. What made her blood run was the white boy Pip who had placed himself in my life and she held Mr. Watts responsible for this. But then my mother was a moral person. My brave mum was moral when she stepped forward to be a god’s witness to the cold-blooded murder of her former enemy and my teacher, Mr. Watts.

I knew my mother loved me. She loved me dearly. She was not one of those to express her love, but her worry displayed her immense love towards me. She loved my father too and she smiled when he was around. But when he left, he took away her smile. She never smiled since, at least not in my presence. We did not maintain a very close relationship, but we did maintain a comfortable one. That was before; Great Expectations came between us. She didn’t want Pip to come closer to me. She did not understand however; that Pip was a part of me; Inseparable. I do shamefully admit though; that the closer I got to Pip; the further I drifted away from my mum. She had lots in common with Miss Havisham- who could not move on; who was stuck in time.

 Her worry was justified. She didn’t want to lose her Matilda to Pip, Victorian England or the White man. She didn’t want to lose me like she lost my father. I knew she was betrayed once again; and I had proven to be a father’s girl; but I didn’t mean to break my mother’s heart; and certainly did not mean to lose her forever. All I would want now; is to tell her now is that I love her; and that it was my mistake. I want to tell her that I’m sorry; for letting the devil seep through me, and for neglecting her love.  I want to tell her that I will remember her; regardless of the dark memories that are woven with her. And I want to thank her; for bringing justice towards my benefactor and my teacher; Mr. Watts.

Mr. Watts was the teacher who brought a meaning to my life. Again even though I did not express it; I did love and care for him. I never wished for his misery; and honored his bravery to stay among the blacks; feeling like the only mammoth left. He had given me Pip to understand; but I never could understand Mr. Watts. I tried my very best to understand how his mind ticked and what he thought; all to no avail. But I am thankful that I couldn’t understand him; for he was one of a kind; an extraordinary and overall loving human being. My relationship with him was simple; one of a father and daughter. He taught us what it truly meant to be a gentleman. He taught us that being a gentleman or a moral being was a quality; and not something that can be identified by money and social standing. He taught us that a gentleman will always do the right thing. He was my father when my real father wasn’t around. He was never acknowledged for all he did but yet continued to do it. He stood by our class; and never let go. He pretended to be Pip for us. I want to thank Mr. Watts for all the knowledge he had brought me; and I want to tell him that I wouldn’t ever forget him either.  I will go back home someday; and relinquish these memories once again and forever will they be; scarred in my heart.