You know, are you guys, and gals, ready for this?
[Waits for scream.]
Ronnie: I said, are you lot ready for this?
[Screaming again.]
Ronnie: Ok, ok, it feels like Party in the Park now! Tonight is very music orientated, but let’s think about how great The King was. Before anyone did anything, Elvis did everything… And tonight, we’re going to prove it!
How you might ask, well, how many times have you seen a pop star who sold so many records break-dance?
[Funky Hip Hop music plays.]
Ronnie: So, exclusively for you guys here tonight, Elvis Presley… break-dancing!
[Ronnie miserably tries to break-dance as Elvis. He then steps in front of the closing curtain.]
Ronnie: Now, I’d say I ruled. But, you know Elvis, he was modest. Problem is, now you’ve seen a break-dancing, hot dog loving king, why is life worth living?
I’ll tell you why life is worth living, because, up now, they’ve decided not to split up, it’s Ginger, Whinger, Dinger and Posh, it’s The Spice Girls!
{{--Spice Girls Performance-}}
[Ronnie leaves the stage as the curtains open and Spice Girls perform #Spice Up Your Life#. The curtains then close and the ‘Kilroy' music plays.]
{{--Kilroy-}}
****TECHNICIANS NOTES****
As the Spice Girls leave, people will need to rush on with two chairs and a table and place them in the center of stage.
[Kilroy music plays and the curtains open with two chairs and a desk. Tommy comes out and stands in the middle.]
Tommy: Hello, and welcome, to Kilroy, the show where we discuss the nations problems and make a big deal out of nothing. Today, we’ve got Ronnie, a boy who wants to kill himself. How stupid is that? Why would you want to kill yourself?
[Ronnie walks onto the set. Tommy looks shocked.]
Tommy: Oh….now I see why. Ronnie, why don’t you sit down, and we’ll find out, what makes you want to kill yourself!
[Ronnie sits at a chair, and Tommy sits at the chair next to the desk.]
Tommy: So, Ronnie, I understand you’re from Shoreham, and your hobbies are, well it’s blank.
Ronnie: My life is ruined, guess what my parents made me do?
Tommy: Remember it’s not past watershed yet Ronnie.
Ronnie: They made me tidy my room!
Tommy: Oh no Ronnie, surely not that. I mean, how many other kids have to clean their room, and I expect they made you do homework too?
Ronnie: They did, it’s so unfair!
Tommy: Well, I’m sure it’s a sign to indicate that they don’t love you; I mean next they could make you wear braces or ground you. Don’t kid yourself, it’s not worth it.
Ronnie: Also, I don’t have any friends. I’m depressed and lonely.
Tommy: Yes, I’m sure that’s not normal in teenagers. Everyone else is happy, apart from you. Put the Prozak away, because you should be drinking rat poison!
Ronnie: And I was embarrassed too, I spilt a drink at a party and then I dropped some food in a restaurant!
Tommy: No-one has to go through that kind of embarrassment Ronnie, the message is clear what you have to do.
Ronnie: I think I’ve flunked out of school, and I don’t even know algebra!
Tommy: I think we need to test you on some algebra Ronnie… Flunked out of school + don’t know algebra = Time for… I bet you don’t know the answer do you?
Ronnie: Nope
Tommy: It begins with‘s’ and ends with ‘uicide’.
Ronnie: And to top it off, I’ve got the flu!
Tommy: Uh oh, the flu? You realise there is no cure for that right? The only cure is painting the walls with your brains, go and see a technician, he’ll lend you what you need.
[Ronnie leaves the set as Tommy walks in front of the curtains, which are closed behind him. At this point, the tables and chairs are moved.]
Ronnie: As always, we have the Kilroy Final Thought, and I didn't copy Jerry Springer, I promise! Now if you are like Ronnie and have horrible parents like him, then there is one thing you can do! That one thing might be your last ticket out of here. Not a train ticket of course because you would be waiting for ages before you actually got a running train. But that one thing is, kill yourself. When life is THAT bad you have to do it. If you look like Ronnie and want help…don’t come running to me! This girl can come running to me! It’s our next act. She likes these skating boys, but she says see ya later. Confusing I know, but here on stage is Miss Avril Lavigne!
{{--Avril Lavigne Performance-}}
[Tommy leaves the set as the curtains open and Avril Lavigne performs #Sk8ter Boi# and then the curtains close.]
{{--King Of Pie-}}
****TECHNICIANS NOTES****
A table quickly needs to be moved into the stage area while the curtains closes for applause after Avril Lavigne.
[Ronnie enters the Drama Hall from the back entrance dressed as Rik Waller. He walks down to the front of the stage as a 'King of Pie' intro plays.]
Ronnie: Ok, now it's time to find out who here is the King of Pie! I'll need 3 people to compete in this ultimate Pie Eating extravangza!
[Ronnie plucks 3 people from the audience and asks them to try a pie each, laid out on the table on the stage. He then asks them a few pie questions and then puts a pile of pies on each person table and asks them to eat them all. The quickest person is the King of Pie!]
{{--Rik Waller-}}
[Ronnie then performs #I Will Always Love Food# and the curtains close behind him as he finishes.]
{{--INTERLUDE-}}
{{--Magical Ronnie-}}
****TECHNICIANS NOTES****
A table and Ronnie's magic set will need to be set up for Ronnie in the middle of the stage during the interlude.
[Ronnie then stands behind his table, where a magic set lies. He speaks in a Borat-style voice.]
Ronnie: Roll up, roll up, come and see the wonderful Abracadabra at work! Now most magicians like to pull a rabbit out of their hats. But I am now normal magician. I will pull a hair out of my hat!
[Ronnie takes off his hat and pulls out of a wig, which he throws into the audience.]
Ronnie: Now, I will make a glass disappear, I mean a coin disappear into water.
[Ronnie pulls out a dodgy coin.]
Ronnie: I tell you, it’s a real coin!
[Ronnie then dips the coin into a glass of water and the coin floats.]
Ronnie: It worked, it worked! For my next trick, I will make myself fly!
[Ronnie then tries levitating poorly.]
Ronnie: I think it is my weight! I think my next trick will be the best yet, I would like to magically make Fazed appear!
[Ronnie then leaves the stage area as the band equipment is finished.]
{{--Fazed-}}
****TECHNICIANS NOTES****
The band equipment should be covered by black cloth or something that is not visible to the naked eye, so that the cloth can be removed and the act can continue.
[Fazed perform and the curtains close behind them.]
{{--Michael Jackson & Britney Spears-}}
****TECHNICIANS NOTES****
The equipment will need to be covered up again before Michael Jackson.
[The curtains re-open as Ronnie comes out as Michael Jackson and performs #Billie Jean#. He comes out with a toy baby and throws it into the crowd. After his performance, he speaks.]
Ronnie: I didn’t mean to throw the baby, I just want someone with more plastic!
[Tommy as Britney Spears then comes on.]
Tommy: Michael, I’m gonna hurt you!
[Britney Spears then beats up Michael Jackson and Britney then performs #Crazy#. The curtains then close.]
{{--MC Josh Cater-}}
[MC Josh Cater performs.]
{{--Musical Chairs Wrestling-}}
[Tommy does his wrestling skit. Ronnie interferes at the end, dressed up as the original freak from the opening video.]
{{--The Freak-}}
Ronnie: I tell you, I told them, you don’t wanna do it like that, you wanna do it like this, you wanna use a real chair, not a plastic one, I said, you wanna have real blood, not patches, and they were, we can’t, we’re scared, I said, don’t be scared, it’s real blood, it won’t hurt you, they were like, yes it will, I was like, no it won’t! You know, I’m no genius, but I’d say I think wrestling is fake. I don’t think many people like wrestling, I think people don’t like it, but you know what I say to them? I say, I agree, its disgraceful entertainment; some of the moves you see on the TV are awful, you could break your back. Oh yeah, it’s not real, har har. I still think though that the lottery isn’t real, I mean, who here believes in it? Did you all have a good Christmas, I thought it was great, but I wasn’t…
[Tommy then comes back out and grabs Ronnie and drags him backstage.]
{{--Red Hot Chilli Peppers-}}
****TECHNICIANS NOTES****
The curtains may need to stay open for this act, but as the act ends, a table will need to be placed in the middle of the stage.
[The Red Hot Chilli Peppers come on and perform.]
{{--World's Strongest Tin Can-}}
[Ronnie does his World's Strongest Tin Can skit.]
{{--Video-}}
****TECHNICIANS NOTES****
The video screen comes down and the video plays. Once the video has finished, the room will stay pitch black and the video screen will raise.
[Ronnie is out on the street asking the public awkward questions.]
{{--David Brent-}}
****TECHNICIANS NOTES****
Ronnie will sit on a chair.
[Ronnie comes on as David Brent from 'The Office'.]
Ronnie: “I don’t look upon this like it’s the end, I look upon it like it’s moving on you know. It’s almost like my work here’s done. I can’t imagine Jesus going ‘Oh, I’ve told a few people in Bethlehem I’m the son of God, can I just stay here with Mum and Dad now?’ No. You gotta move on. You gotta spread the word. You gotta go to Nazareth, please. And that’s, very much like...me. My world does not end within these four walls, Steyning’s a big place. And when I’ve finished with Steyning, there’s Shoreham, Storrington, Henfield, you know I’ve got to-Thakeham, West Chilt. You know. My-Bramber, Patridge Green. Because I am my own boss, I can-Worthing. I can wake up one morning and go ‘Ooh, I don’t feel like working today, can I just stay in bed?’ ‘Ooh, don’t know, better ask the boss.’ ‘Ronnie can I stay in bed all day?’ ‘Yes you can Ronnie.’ Both me, that’s not me in bed with another bloke called Ronnie.”
{{--Fraz-}}
[Fraz does her stuff.]
{{--Football Interview-}}
[Football commentary is heard and then the curtains open with Ronnie wearing sunglasses as a manager and Tommy as an interview.]
Tommy: Mr. Wenger, what did you think of Patrick Viera's 17th sending off of the season?
Wenger: I did not see the incident.
Tommy: Surely you saw Patrick Viera thrust Danny Dichio's head into a McDonalds sign?
Wenger: I do not think I saw it.
Tommy: What about the moment when Thierry Henry took the ball around the whole Queens Park Rangers team, and scored with his nose?
Wenger: I think Thierry is a great player, I saw the goal, I think it was great.
Tommy: But then Clive scored for QPR, surely that was a let-down?
Wenger: I did not see the incident.
Tommy: Thank you for your time Arsene Wenger.
{{--Kelly Osbourne-}}
[Kelly Osbourne performs.]
{{--Ronnie Talks-}}
****TECHNICIANS NOTES****
The mess caused will need to be cleared up during the DJ Sammy dance.
Ronnie: Tonight, Alvin Stardust was going to come along, he's in Germany though, but we'd thought we'd pay a tribute to him. We're going to reinact his famous Road Safety campaign right here!
Now, what I need is a member from the audience.
[Picks a audience member, introduces them blah blah and then gives them an umbrella and dissapears backstage. He then returns with a bucket.]
Ronnie: Alright, now you've got to shield your self from dangers of the road. You're in a car, and a fire truck is leaking.
[Ronnie then soaks the person and laughs at them.]
{{--DJ Sammy Dance-}}
[Flik and Tommy do their dance.]
{{--Freddie Mercury and Brian May Act-}}
[Ronnie and Guy do their Queen tribute.]
{{--Paradox-}}
****TECHNICIANS NOTES****
The band equipment will need to be set up during the curtain close. Also, there will need to be an extra sound guy during Peter Tomes absence for a secret reason.
[Paradox finish 2 songs to end the show.]
