Human society, as we know it, is becoming lazy and antisocial

Jaime Isn’t Doing This to Impress Anybody, And Doesn’t Care if You Give It A Bad Mark.

1st draft

By Jaime Griffin

Human society, as we know it, is becoming lazy and antisocial. It’s pretty much useless to deny it. Compare us to fifty years ago, and you will find we’ve let ourselves go. Compare us to a hundred years ago, and you’ll realize we’ve morphed into beanbags with brains. In the 1890’s they got by fine without even using cars. Or credit cards, for that matter. Of course, they couldn’t show skin at the beach, but that’s another matter.

Take the Segway scooter for instance. For those of you not in the know, it’s a slow, ugly, two-wheeled, battery-powered (ooh… ahh…), upside-down coffee table, with some junk in it that makes it impossible to fall off of (in case all that standing gets the best of you). It was designed for city use (like that god awful 1/8 mile from your work to the doughnut shop), and has no other practical use except possibly as a coat hanger/umbrella rack. 45 klicks, top. Can run about 200 kilometers on a battery. Offers little or no protection against cars, which is a moot point because it’s nowhere close to being street legal. All you have to do is stand. In other words, it’s a big wheelchair for the able where you don’t have to move your arms, legs, or even eyelids for that matter. Makes walking obsolete. Pretty lame invention for 5000 bucks a pop, huh? Here comes the scary part. This Yuppie-Mobile is being hailed as “something that will revolutionize the way we travel”. Scientists are calling it an “engineering masterpiece”. The website is taking advance orders because the things are going quicker than they can make them. And very few of these people are actually in need of these services. No, friends, it’s pure laziness.

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Next on the chopping block… those insta-gas keys at gas stations. Such a stupid idea makes the Segway Scooter look like Edison’s light bulb. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about, but if you don’t here’s a run-down: For a small fee (your soul), you can get a little key-type deal with a gas station logo on it mailed to you (along with about a million pieces of junk mail). Although they look like toddler toys, they actually hold a lot of fat-gaining power for the modern lazy yuppie. Imagine, if you will, life before the Key. Imagine the horror of actually having to labour out of your heated SUV and talking to a low-life gas pump. Imagine social interaction. Imagine returning to find your (instant) coffee slightly less warm. Before the Key, all of these things were, in all their horror, a reality. Now, you can just beep the key in front of the reader, pump your gas, and get a friendly greeting from the meter such as “have a nice day”. Nothing puts you in a good mood like being complimented by an LCD screen. The gas is charged to the credit card or other easy pay billings system. Again, these mechanisms have alarming popularity. Shell introduced them to their gas stations about a year and a half ago, and now you would be hard-pressed to find a gas station that doesn’t have some form of instant-payment tool. Even the mom and pop stations are getting in on the fad. Only theirs involves paying 25 dollars for a rock, and proceeding to throw it at the pump when the gas is pumped. Gas pump deaths are at an all-time high. Just kidding, kids.

Perhaps the most disgusting example of lethargy comes from the same people who bring you Enforma Diet Pills (for those too ‘busy’ to diet. Damn slobs). I am talking about none other than the queen of the late-night infomercials, the talk of the trailer park, the (drum roll please)… AbTronic. This is their angle: “The AbTronic™ is so effortless that you can be watching your favourite television program, reading a book or even cooking dinner while getting your body into the shape you want it”. Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. I can’t even begin to tell you what’s wrong with this one. You apparently don’t even need to go to a gym anymore to get ‘rock-hard abs’. Sure, you’ll be porky in other places, but your abdominal muscles will be ‘rock-hard’. And ab muscles are enough for the modern ultra-lazy consumer. Who cares that this device has uncertain long-term effects? Who cares if “it doesn’t work half as well as ordinary sit-ups”? Who cares? It’s easy, it’s expensive, and that’s good enough for the average American consumer. The scary thing is, unlike most infomercial products, the demographic this product is reaching extends far beyond the crackhouses and backwoods. American teens from all walks of life are throwing out their gym memberships for a shot at insta-abs. The decline of civilization at its lowest.

Of course, I could be wrong. Maybe these innovations are for the better. Who knows what can be accomplished with the increased amounts of free time?

Maybe the time saved by these devices could be put towards creating world peace. Or forming a perfect system of government. Or inventing life saving devices.

Yeah… right.

Store.yahoo.com/wonderfullbuys/abtronic.html . The wonderfullbuys site is actually a haven of lazy-person tools. If this kind of stuff floats your boat, I recommend it.

. Great consumer review site.

The Segway: Motorized Stupidity

The AbTronic: The Pinnacle

of human idiocy