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And then it hit me – if he goes, my soul goes with him. Was I really going to let the love of my life walk away, without even so much as a sensational kiss goodbye?

I looked up at him, taking in all his Adonis-like beauty: those mesmerising eyes, with his smooth chocolate coloured hair draping seductively across them, and those lips…Red, smooth and luscious. Oh, I wanted him so badly!

My fingers traced the side of his smooth, soft face, unaware of the tears streaming from my eyes from the heavy rain clouds in my mind which had let loose their turbulent downpour. He pulled me close, laying the softest kiss on my forehead.

Then he was gone.

That was the changing point for me; the day I vowed never to ruin a relationship, or equally as important – my life, again.

Tuesday 18 march – mood: cheesed off

9.30pm: It’s time for a new approach. A new me, a skinny new me, is ready to explode. The only problem is, how does something explode without making a mess?

Plan for my improvements:

  1. I will overcome my fear of sweat, join a gym and get thighs that even Victoria Beckham would envy. Being chubby is not my fault; I always look fat in metropolitan areas.
  2. I will give up my vices, fags and booze, which I consume religiously every day. I will become a goddess in the respect that my body is regarded as a temple. After all, I deserve to be worshipped.
  3. I must not buy unnecessary shoes - I will not wear them! Ever!
  4. Lastly, and of course most importantly, I will find a knight in shining amour who sweeps me off my feet. Obviously, I must ensure that this man does not put his dog, job, beauty regime, or strange sexual obsessions before me.
Join now!

Wednesday 19 march – mood: ready for change (what I imagine it would be like for a caterpillar evolving into a butterfly)

1pm: Have taken first steps towards perfection, and signed up at the gym. Just going there motivated me to get fit, what with all those immaculate twig-like women in their designer sportswear – just walking up to the front desk worked up a sweat. I have decided that being skinny clearly leads to success, since these women can afford to wear their posh, upmarket, skimpy, underwear-resembling clothes purely to perspire in. Although I would imagine their sweat probably ...

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