Not realizing that I had laughed aloud and being stared at suspiciously by others that surrounded me. Yet I could not help restricting myself from the thought of Billy’s face, as he dragged himself up to my window; his cheeky face steadily modifying its color, putting that great smile back on my face. It was just like Romeo and Juliet. Except Romeo isn’t such a War leaching person, it’s a shame really.
When Billy and I met one another it made me feel like I actually exist in this world. He made me feel like I should appreciate myself. He’s such a polite, young gentle man. A bit forceful though, an ‘I like it this way’ kind of man. He was ever so polite to me, he’d given me a sense of sensitivity and warmth, and I’ve never felt anything like it before. He made me feel secure, I felt like he had been another chance for me to put myself back on track; after what happened, I don’t think I could accept another death in my life.
But my attempts to persuade Mam didn’t work. She couldn’t accept the fact that I had found someone new in my life. I couldn’t even convince her to say ‘hello.’ It hadn’t been such a good idea to have taken him to see Mam. It’s not like she helped the situation anyway, that malicious woman! There’s nothing – nothing that’s she ever approves of me for. She just sat there goading him along like a bull! I really don’t think that I could ever forgive her, not even if I tried! Who does she think she is!? She sits there with her ‘cup of tea’ and rambles on about how ‘there’s no such thing as true love’ Judging him before she’s even introduced to him, let alone knowing who he is! I knew it! I just knew that I shouldn’t have taken him to see her! Yet he was so eager to see her, what must he think of me now? How could I be so selfish!
I don’t even know where he went; I just left him, my frustration just seeded through my veins, Just thinking how offensive Mam was, it just made me tremble all over the place. The fury in her eyes, her soft voice suddenly transformed to a shameful deepened tone. I couldn’t bare to think how Prior must have felt. I feel ever so sorry for him. What must he be thinking? I continued contemplating about Billy, predicting how he must be so furious at me; whether he still wants me; what he’ll say to me when I see him. That is, if I see him.
The train came to a sudden halt, only to continue this ghastly screeching sound as we approached yet another, wet, busy station; which predictably encouraged the baby to scream even louder. It’s making my head ache, almost feeling although it was about to explode, into tiny little molecules.
I was beginning to wonder whether… Well. Can I actually handle the fact that Billy is ill? I mean. Well, I’ve seen what he’s like when he gets these horrifying nightmares. He can’t control himself! His almost like another person. I don’t think I could even possibly consider bringing my children up around something like that, and then there’s his asthma attacks, he just doesn’t know how to control it. He’s longing to get himself back to that godforsaken place to that pointless war out front. His illness is getting more severe by the day, and he just doesn’t see it. I couldn’t bear to handle the thought of bringing up his children while he’s out there! Its suicide...He just doesn’t understand it! He doesn’t seem to appreciate what already has.
When I come to think about it, maybe I shouldn’t have been so harsh on Mam sometimes I understand why she was being so protective. I shouldn’t have confronted her. Everything she’s done for me, she’s virtually saved my life. Keeping me inside all those nights away from them mean men. She was strict. Yes. Of cause, why wouldn’t she be? But I see now. I see that I needed a mother like her, and that I took advantage of it all. I should be proud to have a mam like her.
How do I know what ‘true love is?’It’s not like I’ve ever had the satisfaction of the ‘true’ experience, is it?! I’m just that typical, young, working class girl, living on her own, no children, no life, nothing! Just little,‘Sarah Lumb, the working class munition-ette worker!’ It isn’t that bad is it? At least I don’t go out wandering into a war, like young Billy wanting to get myself killed! Look at all them poor souls at Craiglockhart! It’s dreadful to see so many, innocent, young men have half of their bodies blown to pieces! Just the thought of it makes we quiver. It’s horrible. And yet, there you get people like these, sitting on the train; socializing, laughing along to pathetic, hideous jokes; it’s like life’s a fun, colorful game for them, strolling around like there’s nothing happening! I just wish I could do something! Anything! I don’t understand how life can still go on for these people, I know mine has long gone; the moment I left Billy.
Ok. I know how silly it was of me to start rowing with Billy, but he brought it on himself, and seemed the right decision at the time. So I left, at that moment I felt his eyes follow me, as I left the house; I could see his shocked impression through the reflection of the mirror. I continued, not knowing where I was going. And here I am. I don’t actually know where he is now, nor how he’s going to get back. That is if he does decide to come back.
