We certainly do go about it in different ways! And that is the point. According to Dr. Deborah Tannen, in You Just Don’t Understand, our goal determines what we focus on. Which gender is most likely to want to feel emotionally connected? Listened to? Which gender is most likely to want to impart information and establish leadership? Or to fix a problem? Let’s look at our values. Although both genders have the same primary values, notice the order in which we pursue them:
A man’s priorities are to:
- Achieve status (read this as independence).
- Avoid failure.
- Avoid isolation.
- Achieve involvement.
A woman’s priorities are to:
- Achieve involvement (read this as connectedness).
- Avoid isolation.
- Achieve status.
- Avoid failure.
As you can see, we prioritize our pathways to self-esteem in order of importance to us. Men and women prioritize in different order because we need to feel good about ourselves. Our approach to achieving self-esteem is determined by many differing environmental and biological factors.
For example, when a man asks for directions, it’s like admitting that he has to depend on someone else to succeed. Status means giving directions, not taking them. When a woman asks for directions, she is sharing with another human being and connecting.
Think about this: just because you consider “their” priorities as misguided, silly or inconsequential, does that make it so? No, they are just different. You want your spouse to consider what is important to you and to respect your point of view. You want him to do the little things that show he has thought about you and cares about your feelings. Now stop and ask yourself, “am I doing that for him”? Do you? Are you doing what you want him to do or expect him to do? We have to consciously think about what makes our spouse feel valued and cared about. It probably isn’t the same thing that makes you feel cared about. It’s hard to remember that he really is different.
- Due to a difference in the size of the corpus collosum (the part of the brain between the right and left hemispheres), the genders have biological reasons for different approaches. Women can more easily use both hemispheres of the brain simultaneously, thereby having the ability to be logical even when emotional. Men tend to use only one side at a time, for either logical thinking or for feeling. Asking men to focus on their feelings may preclude logic temporarily and bring you more than you bargained for.
- Boy and girl infants are treated differently by both parents.Both mom and dad speak in louder voices to boys, caress and coo at girls more, show greater facial disapproval to girls’ anger, and use more aggressive physical play with boys.
- Boys who cry or act fearful are often severely humiliated (“don’t cry”, or “don’t be a sissy”) while girls who are more physical (“tomboys”) are more readily accepted.
- Boys develop visual-spatial-logical and problem-solving skills sooner than girls and tend to talk about things and activities, while girls develop talking-reading-vocabulary and interpersonal skills sooner than boys and tend to talk about people, feelings and developing friendships.
- Typically, boys are not taught skills relating to intimacy and emotions while girls are carefully taught to focus primarily on these.
- There are physiological differences between men and women in response to stressors, especially conflict. The world of emotions seems to be more physically arousing to males, with an uncomfortable rush of adrenaline causing heart rate and blood pressure levels to elevate more quickly and taking longer to recover compared to their female counterparts. It may take more intense levels of conflict to create the same level of discomfort in females.
- Males tend to stay upset longer following a conflict, their thoughts focusing on any negative words that were spoken, especially any criticisms or put-downs. Since they are more biologically reactive as well, they are more likely to withdraw to protect themselves.
- Men must achieve goals independently to feel good about themselves, to feel power, competence and accomplishment. Women tend to share with others through their feelings and the quality of relationships to feel good about themselves.
Most people realize that men and women communicate differently, and have volumes of humor to express it. What is often not realized is the extent of the difference and amount of information that is translated incorrectly. This mistranslation can be frustrating and even damaging, particularly to women in business situations. Consequently, women have the most incentive to understand those differences and the translation problems, and use that information to their advantage.
Two important points need to be made here. Every individual is unique and will not fit neatly and perfectly into any one group. The information here does not imply that all women or all men communicate alike; only that certain characteristics are more commonly found in one gender or the other.
Take each group of gender-specific characteristics as a whole, and you will get composite characters something like the following: Masculine communicators compete for power, are comfortable with confrontation, are responsible for self and emotionally private. Feminine communicators distribute power, avoid confrontation, feel responsible for others and are emotionally open. In worst case scenarios, men might perceive the feminine style as weak, lacking confidence, manipulative and emotionally unstable. Women might perceive the masculine style as overbearing, arrogant, abrupt and emotionally deficient.
Emotion
The characteristic difference that many of us think of immediately surrounds emotion. Women easily share with each other and show their emotions; Men do not. Women, as a result, develop close bonds with one another more quickly than men do; and also form different types of relationships. When interacting with one another in professional surroundings, this can be a source of immediate communication break down between the genders. Women are often at a loss for a clear perception of their professional standing. Men tend to misunderstand the meaning or are unsure how to react when presented with emotional displays. In cross-gender relations, feelings should be expressed conservatively, while clearly voicing the circumstances and situations that cause them.
Decisions
Men, in general, have been taught that this responsibility falls squarely on their own shoulders, that to consult others indicates incompetence. Many men prefer to make mistakes alone, rather than risk appearing incapable. A woman is more apt to request the opinions of her associates before making a final decision, to gain valuable outside input and involve those whom will be affected. But many men would perceive her as unable to think for herself, or unknowledgeable. An incorrect assumption, but her professional ability would be questioned.
Conversation
The "gift of gab" is attributed almost entirely to women. But men have been found to monopolize conversation far more than women do. Skilled at the art of interruption, men confidently voice their opinions, raising their voice if necessary to ensure being heard. Women, taught to "be polite" and that "everyone should get his or her turn," will wait patiently for an opening to speak that may never come; or if it does, consistently permit others to interrupt. Her valuable input is drowned in the process. There are several ways to solve this. One is to be direct: "Excuse me, I have not finished." Another is resisting the urge to pause. Focus on the person you are speaking to and continue on, increasing the volume of your voice a notch. It is not rude, your ideas will be heard and you will gain respect.
Modesty
A particularly damaging habit found in women is a result of being taught an overrated value of modesty. A woman told she is exceptionally skilled in (fill in the blank), all too often responds with "Oh not really, anybody could do it…" I cannot emphasize enough how severely self-defeating this is. Given this response, men are likely to question their initial judgement of the woman's ability and professional worth. If the woman believes anyone could do it, perhaps anyone could. Simply said: When confronted with this type of praise, say "Thank you."
What do you think?
In speech, women often tack a verbal question mark to the end of a sentence, whether or not it is a question. It is a perfect tool that encourages conversation and input. Questions create a natural flow of information between people. Men are typically less skilled in this area, viewing a question useful only to obtain specific information. A man will often misunderstand the feminine style as a lack of knowledge or confidence, and offer advice or instruction to a woman who has no need or desire for the misplaced generosity. Sometimes it helps to forewarn him that you aren't asking for direction, but simply talking through options. However, if you are providing information or opinions it is best to leave out phrases such as "…don't you think?" and verbally add a period. It conveys your thoughts solidly and removes the impression of self-doubt.
The Point
Sometimes it's the details that give us the most problems. Men and women use different formats for providing information. In the masculine style, the main point is stated first, and additional details are provided after, if at all. Women view this method as rather abrupt and quite possibly incomplete. The feminine style provides information first that supports the main point, which is provided later. This allows the listener to get a complete picture so that the main point will be fully understood. A man's attention tends to wander if the conversation's purpose is not immediately clear. To keep his attention state your main idea in the beginning.
More Than Just Words
Body language is as much a part of communication style as speech. This language communicates an enormous amount of information about a person's opinion, state of mind and self-image. Many women have acquired certain habits and mannerisms that serve no useful purpose at all and unconsciously imply a less than equal status to others. A few examples: Apologizes for situations and actions beyond her control, or that result through no fault of her own. Break eye contact during interaction, looks down. Physically occupy the least space possible; tilts head, folds arms close to torso, stands or sits with legs tightly crossed. Physically withdraw from uncomfortable situations; leans backward, slumps down in a chair. These actions, unintentional and unconscious, communicate subservience and insecurity that have no place among equals.
It is a woman's right to have equal status among men, equal opportunity to succeed in all aspects of life. There is no question of this in any mind that thinks logically. The subconscious as well as the conscious mind must be educated in order for us to carry ourselves as equals. Apologize for knocking him over, not when he knocks you over. Look him in the eye, you have no obligation to defer to him. Occupy and be comfortable in the space around you, you own it. Accept possession of your ability, value and power, you deserve it.
As the female presence grows in all the world's arenas, so does the necessity to relate with our male counterparts on equal terms, in communication as well as position. Differences between masculine and feminine communication styles, for the most part, are not matters of right and wrong. Each is complimentary to the other, and knowledge of both broadens your ability to successfully communicate information accurately in any given situation, with the full spectrum of personality types. Regardless of your career field or what level of business you occupy at this moment, being "bi-communicational," so to speak, gives you the advantage professionally, whether you are a welder, a writer or an executive.
There are several well-written books on the subject of communication differences. Hardball for Women, written by Pat Heim, Ph.D., is one of the most interesting and useful of such resources I have read to date. It is written for women in all levels of business, addressing the specific difficulties and obstacles we experience in co-gender interaction with peers, subordinates and higher levels as well.
