Paranoid Parenting: Obsessive Control over Children

AS and A Level Psychology

Parenting

Running Head: PARENTING

Sanjay Lalwani

I.D. No.: 4339

Course name: English Composition II

Course no.: ENG 121

American College Of Dubai

Date of Submission: 05/04/2005

Abstract

This report studies the effect of obsessive control over children. Nowadays, it seems that parents are too over-protective to their children. They place too much emphasis on eliminating possible dangers around their children even before they exist. Those kids face a difficulty in protecting themselves because they have never been given a chance to experience the wider world. Obsessive control over children produces an over-dependency within a child that emotionally handicaps them. Children must be free to overcome their frustrations, solve their own problems, and accept the consequences of their choices if they are to develop the emotional and mental strength required to succeed in school and in the community. This report uses vital information from recent books and websites on child rearing. Views of parents and suggestions of psychologists are also included.

Paranoid Parenting: Obsessive Control over Children

The behavior of a child grows in a patterned manner just as the body. Like the physical growth, behavior too is strongly influenced by the home and other surroundings in which the child grows up. While we all have a lifetime to develop varying aspects of ourselves, it is the childhood period that is the most important in acquiring many tools. The strongest and the longest environment to affect the child are the parents. Most parents consider it their responsibility as well as the privilege to provide the best possible environment favorable to child’s physical growth. However, often they tend to forget about the behavioral aspect in a child’s development. The more a parent knows about the changes that take place in a child’s behavior when he grows up, the more successful they can be in guiding the child along the complicated path leading to maturity. The attitude of the parents towards a child is what can make all the difference.

In today’s time when the society is dominated by nuclear families and so much emphasis is given on family planning, the bond of closeness has been limited within a small family. Hence, overprotection has become the most common emotion to be found in parents, especially in this part of the world. According to a recent survey by GoDubai, it was found that 77.5% people agree that children in Dubai are over protected and unprepared for the world outside (2000). Many of the parents also try to mould their child just the way they are. As a parent, it is very natural for them to try and protect their children from all the possible dangers in their lives. Nonetheless, a distinction must be made between protection and overprotection. Protection means to keep the children out of real danger. Overprotection is trying to keep the children distanced from all difficulties that may arise. (Boucher,2005)

Guiding without smothering

In a troublesome time for a child, it is vital for the parents to be a good listener when the child speaks about what is bothering him/her. However, it would be good to encourage the child to find his own answers. One can certainly be involved in the discussion of solutions that the child considers, but they must feel that they are able to apply personal power in the given circumstances. It is also important to highlight the decisions they take by reviewing with them, both the positive and negative consequences of the action that he or she has taken or proposes to take. (Dobson,2004)

Causes of overprotection

There may be various causes of a parent to be overprotective to their children. But, these are the reasons that seem to be the most prominent. Firstly, most parents just want to meet their needs to be a perfect parent and give their children the best out of everything. Secondly, some of the parents live with a fear that they wont be a good parent to their child. And, they end up trying too hard and just over do it. Lastly, there are parents who try to make up of their deprived childhood. It could also come up from some unresolved issues in their past, such as rejection from parents or peers. Mr. Ganwani, a well-established businessman in Dubai says, “I would like to give my children everything that I could only dream of in my childhood. After all, why am I earning for?”(Personal communication). To shield their children from the pain they endured, parents will typically overprotect them not realizing that they are indeed, producing an over dependence within their children by not allowing them to experience life. The fact remains, that it is merely impossible to eradicate all dangers from a child’s life. The parents are merely postponing their risk-taking from childhood to early adulthood.

Stranger Danger

This is a preview of the whole essay

Stranger Danger

Besides the increasing traffic and accidents, another fear that lies in the minds of the parents is due to the strangers. They sense some kind of a danger from the strangers. Adults, no longer trust each other. They look upon every adult with an eye of suspicion. This has a long-term consequence on the child as well. It develops mistrust within the child too. As he grows up as an adult, the suspicion still remains there and the child has a major difficulty in socializing. Hence, he has very few friends in life making him lonely and over bearing. There are other factors such as the computer games full of violence, the internet full of chatting pedophiles, the TV with lots of violence, and a shower of advertisements, which might create a lot of nagging for sweets or new toys. (stranger danger,1999)

Prevention from play

The extent of the hyper-concern of the parents can be understood by the fact that many of the parents do not let their children play fearing that they might get hurt somewhere, or many of them are just afraid of the company their kids may fall into. However, research has shown that children playing without any supervision give them the opportunity to acquire skills such as cooperation and competition, that are only learned through interactions with similar aged children. These relations encourage children to learn sharing, leadership skills and how to cope with hostility and conflict. Peer relations help children develop the ability to identify and control their emotions without adult intervention, and to express, and learn the limits of, their own aggression. In this sense, play could be described as providing a foundation for independent living. “In play the child is always higher than his average age, higher than his usual everyday behavior; he is in play as if a head above himself.” (Vgotsky,1929)

The Swiss psychologist Jean Piaget made comprehensive observational studies of children's interactions concluding that children grow out of their self-centered modes of thinking by while dealing with other's points of view through peer interactions (1955). Playing, therefore acts as a base where the children develop their socializing skills, and hence, require less parental attention. Through play, children become more capable of understanding their own emotional states, motives and intentions. Conflicts and disputes are not necessarily negative experiences in children's development. Recognizing the existence of these conflicts, and learning how to negotiate them, and how to respond to them might turn out to be desirable childhood experiences. This doesn’t mean that adults should never intervene in their fights. They just need to set certain boundaries and make rules where necessary.(Morano,2004)

The most common reason to this obsessive control by parents is that the parents believe that it is their duty to protect their children and remove the dangers from their life. However, it is simply not possible to do that. Accidents occur in the most unlikely situations. And, one has no control over them. No parent is happy at the sight of a child with a bruised knee, or a cut finger; but sometimes that's the price that has to be paid for a small mistake with a big lesson. No matter how strong you build that bubble separating them from the outside world, it will eventually burst. According to the UK Government backed Child Accident Prevention Trust, about fifty percent of children accidents take place at home. Moreover, psychologists feel that by diminishing the children’s capacity to deal with danger, overprotection could be seen to increase the risks they face. They say that overprotected children become emotionally handicapped because they are not “psychologically weaned” and have not learned to be independent. (Guldberg,2001)

Physically challenged children

Physically challenged children often receive special attention than the other children. But, the extra protection and love they are offered might be as harmful as it is for the other children. It will just make them think that they are fragile enough to face any challenges in life. In fact, they have certain disabilities, making them weaker than the other child. Hence, it is moreover important for them to be emotionally and psychologically very tough. They should be just treated as other children in all aspects, including responsibilities and discipline, and they shouldn’t be reminded of their incapabilities. Responsibility is a vital preparation for independence in a child’s life. “Discipline means providing consistent guidelines and expectations for behavior, with clear, immediate consequences.” (MDA,2004)

Over indulging

The parents today are keen to get over indulged with their children’s life. They will do their best to always see their children succeed and never face any kind of disappointment. But taking all the discomfort and disappointment out of development, especially while increasing pressure for success, turns out to be misguidance. With few challenges in all their own, kids are unable to forge their creative adaptations to the normal circumstances of life. That not only makes them risk-averse, it makes them psychologically fragile, riddled with anxiety. In the process they're robbed of identity, meaning and a sense of accomplishment. They lack in perseverance, which may not be just a moral virtue, but a necessary life skill. These turn out to be the spreading psychic fault lines of the twenty-first century youth. Whether we want to or not, we're on our way to create a “nation of wimps”.(Morano,2004)

Fear of lifestyle

Parents feel that they need to control their children to keep them away from the bad lifestyle that is very prominent among today’s teenagers. They say that the children today are prone to falling into bad company and getting seriously addicted to alcohol, drugs, etc. But, the researches falsify the argument. The addiction has acquired a darker and a desperate nature. College campuses have reported record increases in excessive drinking and drug addiction over the past decade. Psychologist Paul E. Jofee at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign views the current problem as a quest for faithfulness and intensity of experience (2004). John Portmann, a professor at the University of Virginia observes that after being dropped by their parents in the beginning of the semester, many of the kids just get dangerously addicted to alcohol within a matter of few days. He says that most of these kids have been controlled for so long that these are the ways in which they feel their independence. (2004)

Effects of Overprotection

Mental problems

Over-protection can also be seen as one of the causes of depression and mental illness according to some psychologists. While rates of depression rise with advancing age among people over 40, they're now increasing fastest among children, striking more children at younger and younger ages. There has been an alarming increase in cases of mental illness on college campuses. North America's college counseling centers report an increase in troubled students, according to psychologist Robert Gallagher of the University of Pittsburgh. His 2001 survey of counseling centers shows that 85 percent of colleges report an increase in students with severe psychological problems during the past five years in students. About 30 percent of the colleges report at least one suicide in the previous year.(2001)

Marano, whose study appears in the May issue of Blues Buster, a lengthy newsletter about depression, takes this problem very seriously and says that this problem does not develop suddenly but has it’s roots from the childhood itself. Everybody knows that children are vulnerable. But in today's nervous world, it is easy to forget how flexible, adaptable and capable they are. In preoccupying themselves with the need to keep their loved ones safe, the parents risk denying them the freedom they need to develop and to grow up. And this has its own, very real, dangers. Although error and experimentation are the true mothers of success, parents are taking pains to remove failure from the equation.(2004)

Other effects

Many people believe that the single biggest issue for parents raising children is overprotection. The effects of overprotection on children can be serious and long lasting. They may include dependency, hypochondria, low self-esteem, underachievement and immaturity. Parents should not let their anxiety control their life or that of their child. Parents should be a bit more cautious but should not let the fear of the world run their child’s life. The parents should not focus on the child’s limitations: they should rather concentrate on what the child is capable of doing. Over dependency, in turn, handicaps the child emotionally. It makes them ill equipped to resolve conflict and confront the realities of life on their own. Hence, they get a distorted sense of what the world and relationships are like. Overprotection can produce spoiled and manipulative children. Pity teaches a child to feel sorry for himself. It makes the child always expect others to take care of him, and to believe he or she is helpless. It makes the child dependent and inactive. The real danger around the corner for an inactive society is the obesity and ill that comes due to too pampered childhood. While the parents try to close the tiny gaps in their children's safety, they are failing to tackle with the huge dangers that threaten them with early death, heart disease and cancer.(Curtois,1993)

The negative messages

The overprotective parent gives two messages that can be harmful to children. The first negative message is that the world is a scary place. The second, more destructive, message is that the parents don't trust their children to do what they are supposed to do whether it is learning to fall asleep on their own, figuring out how to safely climb a tree, or remembering to do the homework assignment. This message is especially harmful. Children cannot believe in themselves if the most important people in their lives don't believe in them. Because of this, teens generally turn out to be over rebellious.

Good Parenting

Good parenting would be an ideal mixture of love and care towards the children, and protection of kids. Teens need make their own decisions and make their own friends. They even need to do a certain amount of risk-taking. The parents' job is to facilitate these developmental stages, not try to delay or prevent them. The parent will do good for his well-being if they make it clear from the beginning itself that they expect him to follow certain rules and meet these standards. By expecting the child to behave well, the parents show that they have faith in them, and they help them learn so that he can accomplish things.

Self-esteem may be the single most important attribute for a child to develop. For overprotected children, developing self-esteem can be a challenge, as society often holds negative attitudes towards them.
It is important for adults to focus on what is within their control. Parents can inspire feelings of self-acceptance and self-worth within their children. In order to help their child develop self-esteem, they must accept and acknowledge their child's feelings. In accepting and acknowledging their child's feelings as important, valid and valuable, they will help to create an open environment for discussion, which may help them to address any future problems.

Good parents should also take regular advices from the experts and the psychologists. They provide information and counsel, they advice rules on the use of playgrounds and use of Internet.

Children and youngsters are far more competent than what is normally thought. If they are contacted with trust and respect, and not just with fear, distrust, overprotection and a set of rules and norms, they develop self-confidence and the ability to act. The parents should take their ideas and views seriously, and use these to create a really child-friendly society.

Parents should ideally leave their children to find their own feet. The less the adult involvement, the more the children are likely to learn about each other and themselves. They should be left free to make their own judgments and mistakes. The quantity and quality of a child’s friendships is a good indicator of her mental and emotional well-being. In all probability, a child who is shunned or disliked by her peers is likely to develop anxiety, self-doubt or some kind of disorder. (Dobson,2004)

This calls for more respect than many modern people have: respect for children and respect for other cultures. Too often, we pretend we have a control on truth and wisdom, as if people from other eras and cultures had not been enlightened. We are living in the darkness of our own prejudice, into which we want to force the children. Many of us may like to call this "protection". But, it does not protect; it only limits and endangers.

According to the psychologists, a good way of dealing with your child would be by reinforcements. The reinforcements may either be negative or positive. A positive reinforcement would be giving rewards for a good piece of work done by the child. The rewards may be praise, money, a treat or any such thing depending on the likes and dislikes of the child. Negative reinforcement would be taking away something the child likes in order to make him do something valuable. For example, grounding, loss of privileges, a cut-down in the pocket money are some of the common ways of this reinforcement. This could be really useful as children strive harder to reach goals they've set for themselves, and when they have their parents' support. (Morano, 2004)

Parents must gain freedom from their fear and guilt about transferring responsibility to their children and allowing them to experience pain. As long as parents are bound in the cycle of overprotection, then their children remain hopelessly bound to them as well. The two are entangled to each other in a paralyzing interdependency that suppresses growth and development. (Hamner, 2004)

Word Count- 3816

References

GoDubai (August 2000) GoDubai poll results Retrieved April 2005 from world wide web http://www.godubai.com/pollex.asp?q_id=25

Boucher, France(2005) Retrieved May 2005 from the world wide web

http://www.familyserviceseap.com/_files/solutions_newsletters/solutions29.doc.

Dobson, Dr.James (2004) The Overprotected Child, Retrieved April 2005 from http://www.focusonyourchild.com/develop/art1/A0000439.html

Stranger Danger (1999) An online article Retrieved April 2005 from

http://www.ipce.info/ipceweb/Library/99-153_overprotect.htm

Vgotsky, Lev (1929) Retrieved April 2005 from http://www.marxists.org/archive/vygotsky/works/1929/cultural_development.htm

Piaget, Jean (1955) Retrieved April 2005 from

http://www.piaget.org/aboutPiaget.html

Morano, Hara (2004) A nation of wimps, Retrieved April, 2005 from

http://cms.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20041112-000010.html

Guldberg, Helene (2001) Child safety has its own dangers, Retrieved May 2005 from http://www.spiked-online.com/Printable/000000005434.htm

MDA Publications(2004) A journey of love, Retrieved April 2005 from

http://www.mdausa.org/publications/journey/6-3.html

Jofee, Paul (2004) Perceptions of the Family Environment and Youth Behaviors, Retrieved April 30,2005 from http://tfj.sagepub.com/cgi/content/refs/12/3/243

Portmann, John (2004) Perceptions of the Family Environment and Youth Behaviors, Retrieved April 30,2005 from http://tfj.sagepub.com/cgi/content/refs/12/3/243

Gallagher, Robert (2001) Parental Use of Child Feeding Practices, Retrieved April 2005 from the https://txspace.tamu.edu/bitstream/ 1969/1620/1/etd-tamu-2003C-NUTR-yeley-1.pdf –

Curtois, Christine (1993) Vicarious Traumatization of the Therapist, Retrieved May 2005 from

Hamner, James (2004) An address on overprotected parents, Retrieved May 2005 from http://64.233.183.104/search?q=cache:VhMBcs1ErNwJ:www.stmartinschool.org/headoct04.doc+overprotection+of+children+parenting&hl=en