A Walk by the River.

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A Walk by the River

The sudden, swift, severe summer storm caught me totally unaware. I was walking down Old Salem Road when the clouds started to build. I looked around as I huddled under a large, dead oak tree. Almost all of the houses on this abandoned street were too badly damaged for me to take shelter in, except for one.

The house loomed impressive and morbid in the greenish-black sky. A flash of lightning briefly illuminated the house. The windows were broken, but the superstructure seemed sound.

I was becoming soaked as I pondered my dilemma. Should I stay under the tree and risk getting hit by lightning or should I go into that old house, not know who, or what, might be in there? The storm decided for me. Lightning hit the tree, filling the air with the sent of scorched sap. I dashed onto the porch and pounded on the door. It was open.

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What was that? I thought, my heart in my mouth. I slowly turned around. I didn't see anyone, but that didn't mean that there couldn't be someone else in the house with me. It was a large house. I hesitated before I went into the living room. My lantern, my best friend at the moment, showed off ancient paintings of a red-haired man with angular features and a host of antiques. Over a marble fireplace, in the far side of the room, hung a silvery mirror with plump, little cherubs surrounding it.

Crash. I jumped and almost dropped the lantern. ...

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The description in this piece is excellent but it cannot gain top marks because the structure of the piece is too simple. You must always include a variety of sentence structures to enable contrasts between different structures to create a more effective piece of writing. 4 Stars