He craved this life that people may have seen as beyond him, but he was out to prove them wrong. I put my belief into him.
One evening as we were talking he had told me that he had smoked a joint. I was slightly disappointed in him, but at the same time glad that he had told me. He looked at me and brushed the hair out of my face. I smiled and told him that I really appreciated him being my friend and that he meant a lot to me. “You mean a lot to me too, I never knew someone could understand me the way you do”.
Some could argue it’s inevitable that people who get along well fall in love with each other. Why not? It happened to me. Whenever he hugged me I felt content - whenever he looked at me- straight in the eye- I felt happiness. I’d look at him and believe he was the only thing I needed.
I’d try my hardest to pretend these feelings didn’t exist, the last thing I wanted was our friendship to be ruined just because I couldn’t control my hormones. I tended to keep out of his way and when he called I was never there. The way he made me feel, it would just come out. It was like he could read my mind and force things out of me by just looking at me. The doorbell rang about a week later. In this time we had heard nothing from each other. “What is this, some sort of joke? I was worried sick about you, why didn’t you at least call to say you’re alright?”, he looked at me and I threw myself into his arms, crying. He wove his hands through my hair and told me it was ok to be confused and if it were any consolation, he was also deeply in love with me.
That’s when I realised that this feeling was right.
The thing that maybe made me feel insecure was not knowing how what went on in his head when I was near. I genuinely believed that I was in love. No one had ever won my heart over before which told me that this was different. But what did this mean? All these thoughts in my head that I couldn’t control! I looked up and smiled weakly. He prodded my chin up with his finger and kissed me. I felt my head spinning and my knees melt helplessly. I felt so happy knowing that he felt the same way. After we had stopped, he put his hand around my waist and said he wasn’t sure about what he was doing with his life, but that it felt right with me. We must have stood twenty minutes on my front porch in each other’s arms. He then asked me if it was ok that he went, he needed some time to think. He kissed me goodbye and suddenly I was alone. I felt a little confused as to how it would work between us, as I was so busy with school and he was busy with - well, other things. I knew for one his day didn’t start until three in the afternoon!
Later on he phoned me and asked if I would like to come round – to his place. He had never invited me home, only once as we went out for dinner and had forgotten his mobile. He had told me to stand and wait by the door. I remembered the address vaguely and somehow got there. I knocked on the door and a pretty, slightly fuller women answered the door. She introduced herself as his mother and showed me to his room. “It’s been a long time since my son has brought friends home – let alone girls.” She smiled. I pictured this poor women seeing her husband destroy himself and felt sorry for her.
I knocked on the door and went in. He sat at his table and moved out of the way so I had a clear view. “This is me. Now tell me if you still love me.” The table was full of little plastic bags filled with pills. I stood there feeling tears coming to my eyes. “I understand”, he whispered.
“I can’t change my past, I thought you would understand”, I looked at him, tears streaming down my cheeks.
“This is not you! This might be your past, or your dad’s, but it doesn’t have to be your future!” I just stood there. I didn’t really know what I was thinking. It just hurt so much to see someone you love have so little faith in themselves. He walked over to me and lifted my head.
“I’d need your help, this isn’t easy for me. I don’t know if it would be fair of me to rely on you to get me through this as”, he paused and took my hand “- as not just my best friend”. “Don’t worry about me, I’ll be there.” After he had taken me home, I spent the whole night awake in bed thinking about how I could help him, if I could help him. I felt as though it was my duty to him to make him overcome this. I somehow doubted my capability of looking after him. I logged onto the Net and researched a little. What was he taking? Was he taking it all? What were the consequences? There was so much to look into. I generally thought a lot about the lifestyle of drug addicts and began to show enthusiasm when documentaries were shown on television.
This is when I started to spend a lot my free time with him, to the extent where I started to neglect my school work. He said I didn’t have to baby-sit him the whole time, but I wanted him to know I was there for him. “It really means a lot to me the way you come here and take care of me”, he said one night. He gave me a sense of security and appreciation. Something my well- being was lacking greatly. Soon I was getting letters home from school because I wasn’t doing my homework. This obviously put restraints on how often I could see him. My maths was terrible, so he offered to help me. I ended up going to his place after school to do my homework while my parents thought I was at homework clubs. Most of the time I just watched him sleep. It made me feel better when I knew his mind was peaceful with the world.
As I had reached his house and entered his room, he was already awake. There he was. On his bed. Sitting on his bed with his head in hands. “You’re early”, he muffled.
“Is that a problem?”, I said laughingly. I walked over to him and stroked his hair. “Something the matter? Why won’t you look at me?” He looked up. His big beautiful eyes were bruised and his face grazed. “You’ve been fighting…”, I said, dropping my bag to the ground.
“I think it’s best you leave, at least for today.”
“Tell me what’s happened”
“You wouldn’t understand. I think it’s best you go”, he said, not even able to look at me. “Don’t you dare give me that crap! I work my ass off to make sure you don’t get yourself into trouble, I said I’d be there for you, and I am! Just tell me what’s happened, I’ve understood so far!”
“I can’t even understand why you do what you do. Why? I’m just going to hurt you. Like I hurt everyone that loves me. I don’t deserve you, and it was wrong of me to think that I could treat you this way. Look, just please close the door behind you” I felt horrid. No, no. Not the right word. I didn’t know what I felt. Confusion. Perplex ion I didn’t know what to do. I picked up my bag from the floor and walked slowly to door and just as I was about to leave, there was a voice telling me I couldn’t go. I turned around again. “You don’t have to understand. And you’re not getting rid of me that easily. Tell me you don’t feel anything for me and I’ll leave. Look me in the eye and say it. Say you don’t love me.”
He looked up and walked over to me. I felt myself trembling inside. “This has nothing to do with love. You know how I feel about you, I thought that’s clear”, he sighed and rubbed his hand onto his forehead “ but I can’t let that get in the way of who I am. I can’t change. It doesn’t feel right and I don’t feel happy. I don’t like this life.”
“You can’t change.” I whispered. “You won’t change”, my vision went blurry. “Not even for me? Don’t I make you happy?” I asked, quite hopelessly as it appeared. He placed his hand on my cheek. “Can I kiss you?” I nodded. He wiped the tears from my face and kissed me. “I love you, don’t do this.”
“I couldn’t bear to hurt you more than I already have. This just won’t work. I know you don’t think this now but you’ll thank me one day.”
And that’s where it ended.
I don’t know if I’ll ever get over him. He influenced me in such a great way, he changed me and moulded me into what I am today. I still see him around in the park with his friends, stoned on park benches. Looking back, it was right of him to let me go, it would have destroyed me if I’d tried to make it work. He’ll always have a part of me that no one will be able to touch. I hope – for his sake - he’ll learn that he can’t live his life this way.
Remark five months after break- up: Arrested for possession of heroin and is sentenced to 7 years in prison.
Maybe he can.