She wasn’t of noble birth. She was brought up with the ideas of equality, women’s freedom and all that.
She never wanted to be my father’s wife, but she ended up being so anyway.
I came into the world against my mother's wishes, I discovered, and was brought up like a child of nature by my mother, taught everything that a boy must know as well.
I was to be an example of a woman being as good as a man - I was made to go about wearing boy's clothes and take care of the horses and harness and saddle and hunt, and all such things; in fact, all over the estate women servants were taught to do men's work, with the result being that the property came near being ruined - and so we became the laughing stock of the countryside.
Mummy liked things done her way. We all had to go along with it, like it or not. Look I really don’t think I should be telling you all this, I don’t think it should be talked about.
Well, eventually Daddy came to, decided he wasn’t going to take it anymore. That’s when Mummy became ill. I don’t know what it was – she had cramps and would act strangely, sometimes disappearing to the attic for days on end.
And then there came the fire, everything was burned and Daddy was left at a loss to know what to do without any money.
Mummy made him borrow money to rebuild the house from one of her friends. Huh! Friend! Turned out it was my mother’s lover.
Got her revenge on Daddy did Mummy, her revenge for him taking the establishment into his own hands.
He’s never been the same since and of course she paid for that again and again.
Oh but the gossip! I hate gossip. Why must people complicate things by talking about them with each other? Jean always said, “People will talk Miss Julie”.
Jean? Oh he was my father’s valet.
Miss him?
Why on earth would I miss him?
(Pause)
When I left home? Well, it was Mid-Summer I suppose, yes Mid-Summer of this year. It was sad day for me. Well, it was at the time, of course it was. Like I said, I’m over it now.
I had to go. I left because I had no choice.
It’s complicated! Not something someone like you would understand, naturally.
Look,may I leave now please? I really should be getting back.
No I would not like a cup of tea, thank you.
Christine always made the nicest cups of tea. Just enough sugar, not too much milk. Our cook. Unfortunately we didn’t leave things on the best of terms. For one reason or another. No, like I said, nothing in particular.
I liked our servants you know. I was good with them. They were good fun.
Friends? Yes of course I had friends! I told you I’m staying with one now didn’t I? You men really don’t listen do you?
I work. I don’t enjoy it, but I have to pay the rent in this god-awful place don’t I?
No, I never worked in Sweden. I was useful of course. Read to Daddy and kept him amused. Played the piano. Went to parties, that sort of thing.
Jean said that I always looked beautiful, said it as though that was my purpose in life.
He idolised me you know.
Him? Not bad looking I suppose, for a servant of course.
But I was engaged. It didn’t last, thank goodness. He was a horrible man, didn’t know his place. I didn’t like that it broke up of course, those damn gossips again. I wouldn’t have been happy though. It’s important to be happy.
And I wasn’t happy, not in Sweden. Too much was expected you understand. I used to have dreams that I was sitting on a pillar that I could climb down from. It was so good to be able to climb down, to be free of my social position, free of having to be ‘the counts daughter’ all the time.
It would have been nice if Jean and I got our way.
We had it all planned, a little hotel up in Switzerland. We would have run it together. It would have been nice…
But as always she got in the way though that damn Christine. For the life of me I don’t know what he saw in her! She’s so plain, so boring. She’ll never amount to anything of course.
Fond of him? Do I? I guess it went beyond being fond of him.
That night, that Mid-Summer’s night, everything changed between him and I.
He’d always wanted me, always, ever since he met me, I knew he had. What wasn’t to want? Look at me! I had everything he didn’t have, he couldn’t have.
I never meant for that to happen though. It shouldn’t have gone so far. He didn’t use me though, I know he didn’t.
But, after it, it, it happened, I asked him if he loved me and he said… well, he’d never looked at me like that before. He wasn’t the same Jean after that and I knew I had to go.
We could have left together, but he didn’t want that.
I very nearly killed myself that night. With his razor. He wanted me to! He handed it to me! I was so stupid, so stupid to think that everything would be perfect afterwards! That we would live happily ever after! It wasn’t like that.
I left before there was time to think twice, it was kill myself or go, so I went.
They don’t know where I am, none of them know where I am. And that’s good. I’m free now. It’s great that no one here knows me. I don’t have to be something I’m not, I don’t have to be –
Time up? But I –
Next week?
But I’ve already told you everything, told you far more then I should have! How can I –
Next week? Ok…
