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Creative Writing - Gratuitous Vengeance

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Gratuitous Vengeance "Son, hurry up, you're going to be late for school." "Yeh whatever dad, it's nothing new." "But it's your first day!" Yes - it was my first day at school and no - I wasn't nervous, I wasn't scared, and I wasn't worried, I was ready. What's the big deal anyway? Constantly, consistently moving house and schools, you kind of adapt to it, like an animal adapting to its conditions, you know? Here we were. Shattering, scratched, small windows; crumbling, decaying, aged bricks; inexpensive, inert sheds and lots of helpless, dim morons to use for my liking. Dominating this school will be as easy as A.B.C. It wasn't exactly the best looking school but no matter, I'd be gone within a week... Okay, by my second glance, this school had some pretty mischievous competition. My main worry was Derrick Hopkins; Derrick is the guy to go to when you want to know something or need permission for something else. He controls everything in this school. I guess that'll have to change... I went up to him. "Derrick, I'm Bradley Crewe, new here, I heard about a party going on this weekend, I was wondering if I can come along? ...read more.


I guess he really recognised who I was. So, starting to earn respect, everything was going fine for me. Half a week into my new school and it's getting better. I walked home as normal, exhausted and half-conscious from school, I plunged my leg onto the tired step, and then the other. Finally, I was home, and... Great, I had misplaced my key... Now what to do? "Hey, need some help getting in?" My dad asked as he trailed from his car after his weary day. Unlocking the door, my dad seemed strangely distracted, it was probably nothing though. After eating my tea, it was time for another night out; I got dressed and headed downstairs. "Look, Bradley, I need to talk to you..." My father said quietly. "I know you've been drinking and I want you to stop." "You can't tell me what to do, no-one can!" Furiously I ran into the kitchen looking for the back door. Grabbing my arm, my dad pushed me against a wall. I clenched my fist as my anger built up. In a flash of utter rage and confusion I swung my fist forward and my knuckles smashed against his cheekbone. ...read more.


School the next day was glorious. All I heard was; "Did you hear about Derrick, he got taken into a police station yesterday." It was music to my ears. My plan had worked perfectly. And soon enough, people will forget all about Derrick and look to me for leadership. I am just too perfect. After a long day of more sums, grammar work and fraction distillation, it was over. The weekend was approaching. It was a Friday night now and the best day of the week. Everyone parties on a Friday. I couldn't believe the week was over. Everyone was having a right laugh; it was as if Derrick hadn't even existed. Exhausted, I slowly picked up my vodka and drank... It was odd though, I'd had at least 3 bottles this week, yet this one tasted bad and peculiar. It had never tasted like that. Something was wrong. Smash! Suddenly I dropped the vodka glass and collapsed onto the strong, firm floor. I can't really remember much of what happened after that, just a rush of distressed doctors and nurses around a hospital floor, running around desperately. It was really over now. It was finished. I told you I'd be gone within a week... English Coursework Creative Writing Hassan Bassam 10R Page 1 of 4 ...read more.

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Response to the question

This is a Creative Writing task and the candidate here has written a piece of First Person prose. In it, there is an excellent demonstration of focus on how to create suspense, intrigue and a feeling that makes the reader ...

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Response to the question

This is a Creative Writing task and the candidate here has written a piece of First Person prose. In it, there is an excellent demonstration of focus on how to create suspense, intrigue and a feeling that makes the reader fully engaged throughout. The protagonist's personality is kept well-hidden at the start and soon his interactions with other characters and thoughts piece together his personality, which turns out to be quite murderous. The use of a range of literary devices shows appropriate understanding of how to shape interesting descriptive text inside the head of someone who, at first, appears very ambiguous, but whose motives soon colour in the gaps that the candidate leaves in their personality.

Level of analysis

The candidate's writing ability is tested here. The story is original, thought-provoking and right for all the wrong reasons. My only criticism is that it's a little short; too long though, and this would lose it's effect. I like the fact it's set over a week and we see the gradual degradation of the protagonist's character from mardy school student to vengeful murderer in such a short space of time, but I think a little extra could be added, because the scene where he hits his dad seems forced in. Perhaps a little more about what the protagonist thinks about his father would improve this - it's no big change, but if we can connect with the helplessness of the father then him being punched in the face will draw even more empathy from the reader. The prose style is also effective, with ellipses and pauses to suggest we are reading as the protagonist thinks. I would dispute the use of onomatopoeia though - "Smash!", "Clang!" and "Clunk!" would be far better suited to other forms of writing e.g. a graphic novel/comic strip - You wouldn't find people's thoughts describing loud noises with onomatopoeia because these sounds would be external and from the world around them, rather than something that happened in their heads.

Quality of writing

The Quality of Written Communication (QWC) is good. There is evidence this candidate has tried to experiment with more advanced punctuation points like colons, ellipses and semi-colons, though there are some which haven't been used appropriately. Semi-colons must only be used with linking two main clauses that share a very common theme together e.g. - "Sally just loves dogs; she has three of the noisy little things". OR they are used when linking together a long itemised list where the items consist of a lot of words e.g. - "I need two spoonfuls of castor sugar; four egg whites; butter, flour, and a cap's measurement of vanilla essence. Other than that, the candidate's QWC is fine and is unlikely going to be penalised for a minor misuse of punctuation.

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Reviewed by sydneyhopcroft 24/03/2012

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