For a year I watched Samia cope with wearing hijab. I saw ignorant people tease and mock her; I saw people try to pull the hijab off her head; I saw people being downright cruel to her. I saw my friend get hurt. But she did not once waver in her decision, and she had absolutely no regrets. Samia even told me that she was happier and more content than she had ever been. At first, I couldn't see how Samia was not at all bothered by being ridiculed and harassed; but during the course of the year, I began to understand that this deep desire to do what she truly believed G-d wanted her to do came from her heart. Nobody threatened to disown her if she didn't wear hijab. This was her choice for her life. Then I knew it would be my choice as well.
Still, I wasn't quite sure about wearing hijab, and I didn't want to do it until I was absolutely certain. For several months, I read a great deal about women who chose to wear hijab, I listened to the experiences of many women at a national Islamic convention, and most importantly, I read the Qur'an (the holy book of Muslims that we believe to be the word of G-d). Finally convinced, I waited for the right moment to begin wearing hijab. That moment came on the morning of September 6, 1994.
The night before, I told my dad that I was considering wearing hijab. "Good," he responded. Evidently, he was occupied at the moment and couldn't care less. I didn't tell my mother because I thought she would try to persuade me not to do it; I knew she thought I was too immature to wear hijab. The next morning, I woke up, got ready for school, then put on my hijab. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and smiled, feeling sure nothing would go wrong, and then I was all set to go. I tried to leave the house without my mother noticing ... but it didn't work. She looked at me, raised her eyebrows and asked, "Are you sure you can handle this?" "Uh-huh, bye!" I quickly answered. "Okay," she replied, in that sing-song 'I'm-not-so-sure-this-is-a-good-idea' voice. Then, for the first time, I was scared.
In the car on the way to school, I was sure that everybody in every car that we drove past was looking at me and thinking, "Who is that crazy girl, and what is that thing on her head?" My stomach began to churn, and I thought I would be seriously ill. The closer we got to school, the worse I felt. I was paralyzed by fear, and I could barely get out of the car when my dad dropped me off in the parking lot; I was earlier than usual. I stood holding onto the door, thinking that since no one had seen me, no one would know if I didn't wear hijab to school! It was a brilliant plan, but I knew that it was not what I really wanted to do. I took a deep breath, and walked into the Middle School hallway.
One of my friends turned to me, gave me a puzzled look, and said, "Sabrina, what's with the hat?" I was trembling so much, I could barely stutter a reply. "It's-it's b-b-because of my r-r-religion." then I realized, "Wait. I'm not ashamed of my religion. I am proud of what I believe in, and I'm not embarrassed to proclaim it to the world." Despite these noble thoughts, I was still nervous. What if no one wanted to be friends with me anymore? But from that moment on, I discarded all my ridiculous fears, and I answered every question (and believe me, there were a lot of questions) proudly and to the best of my ability. It was a very long day, but it was definitely one of the best days of my life.
I am very lucky that everyone in school accepted me so readily, but I haven't been as lucky outside of school. Not every teenager wants to be friends with someone who looks "uncool." People I pass by in places such as the mall or a park will stare (not just glance) at me as though I am some sort of creature they have never seen before. And these people are not young children; they are adults who should know it is impolite to stare. Amazed by my appearance, people will whisper things to each other when they catch sight of me. There are even some people who feel they have to voice their personal opinions about my wearing hijab. People have shouted obscenities at me as I walked by them on the street. And all this just because of a triangular piece of cloth on my head.
I have experienced these unpleasantries several times, and I have no doubt they will continue to happen. But wearing hijab has changed my life because it has changed the way I handle these situations. In the beginning I was just hurt and angry, but over the years, I have learned to accept things the way they are. I don't mind being stared at and commented on virtually everywhere I go. I just smile, say "Hello," and walk on. There have been many difficult, painful, even frightening times, but I know that I'm doing what I think is right, and that's all that matters. Wearing hijab has helped me to see what is truly important to me - my family, my true friends (the ones who aren't embarrassed to be seen in public with me), my values and beliefs, and of course, G-d.
When I was standing outside the Middle School hallway, scared out of my mind and wondering if I was completely insane, I wasn't so sure that wearing hijab was a good idea. But now that I am, I believe that the decision to wear hijab was the best choice I ever made.
