Once, I got to the security gate of the building that I work in, the same thing happened again. The security guard was utterly oblivious to my existence. I knew then something wasn’t right. Was this some way my boss, Jim, was telling me to take some time off? But why would he do that? So I can mourn over my father? Taking this as a blessing, I headed back to my car. But, before I could get there was a voice. It was faint but it was there.
“No-one can see you, you know…” whispered the voice.
“Who said that?” I spun around looking for the source of the voice. Then, there he was, not wearing a white robe and light shining behind him, but his favorite old jumper, the one that should have been thrown out years ago and his faded old jeans. He was just standing there staring at me. He looked the same as he always did; his droopy eyes always making him to appear tired. “Dad? But...you’re dead?” He agreed with me, and told me that he was dead. “Then how are you here? How am I talking to you?”
“Because... you are dead too” he replied.
“No, I’m not,” I answered almost defensively. “I must be dreaming... this can’t be happening”
“Can you remember how I died? When I died? Can you remember going to my funeral?” he responded,
“Yes, you died of ...err…I can’t remember, why I can’t remember?”
“Because you lived it, you weren’t here. You weren’t alive to live through it.”
“No, this isn’t happening; is this some sort of joke!” I shouted.
“Then explain why he can’t see you?” pointing over towards the security guard. I didn’t know what to say. “It's not true, why are you saying this?”
“Because you have to move on and come to the other side with me” he responded. He sounded so tired as if he hadn’t slept in weeks.
“No...No I’m not going I’m staying here, I’m not dead”
. “Maybe you’ll change your mind after seeing this…” he answered, his words starting to fade just as he did, barely before they had left his mouth.
Then after those words left my mouth, I was in the chapel I was baptized in this church I remember the décor, the scent of burning candles and the chill in the air even the priest was the same; nothing had changed, after all these years. Right now there was a ceremony taking place. It was a funeral for a man around my age, who died in hospital after a car accident. His father was in the car with him; he died on impact. His funeral was earlier this week. Then it dawned on me, how did I know this? I had avoided news channels since my father died. I put this out of my mind and started to pay more attention on the service. I started to realise that there was a lot of familiar faces in the crowd. There was everyone I ever knew there, even my friends from college. What where they doing here? They didn’t live anywhere near here. I then saw my mother and brother crying and started to wonder if I knew the person who died. I started to look at the photo collage that had been created full of pictures off people the deceased knew presumably. I froze a little as a chill went up my spine. These were photo of me. Nearly every photo of me ever taken; ones of me as a baby; ones that mum and dad bought from my primary school; my birthday ones; my graduation ones; random ones with me and my friends. “What the hell is this?!” Expecting my father to arrive from nowhere and answer me I just heard a whisper “…Listen….” I realised that my favourite song was on in the back ground; and my brother who looked so fragile and thin, as if he hadn’t eaten in years. I had never seen him so pale. He was saying a few words about the deceased. “…He was the best brother anyone could ask for… he didn’t deserve this…” I couldn’t listen anymore my mind, my whole world was spinning. This can’t be my funeral, can it? No…no, it can’t be I would remember. Wouldn’t I? This isn’t happening this is just a very elaborate sick joke or I’m dreaming.
Suddenly, I was standing In the middle of the M57. Anyone in the right mind would have moved, out the way of oncoming traffic, but I never I was just staring, I saw myself in my car, with my dad in the passenger seat next to me. I had won two tickets in a raffle at work to go see the Arsenal v Everton football game in the Emirates stadium in London. So I invited my dad to come and see it with me. I wasn’t a big football fan myself but I knew he was, but to try and reconnect with him. We haven’t been as close since I moved away. He was so excited when I asked him, he looked happier than I could ever remember. I wasn’t paying attention to the roads; we had a bit to drink before we left. I started to drift into the other lane; towards the traffic. I only looked up when I heard my dad’s scream. I then saw the car coming straight at us. The whole world went into slow motion. I had the chance to change what was unavoidable, but I never done anything about it. I was just in a trance looking at the other drivers face. A young, baby faced girl not much past 21. She had her whole life in front of her. Having passed her driving test not long ago as she still had her ‘P’ plate on the front of her well used, silver ford Ka. Seeing the look in her eyes, could break anyone’s heart. I then looked into my dad’s eyes. What I saw in his eyes was something I hadn’t saw in so long, I could barely remember it. It was the look of unconditional love and something else; him knowing that he was powerless and could not stop the inevitable. This was the most distressing thing. When the cars collided everything went blurry. I could no longer see any emotions in the young girls or my father’s eyes. This was the dream. I had been having for the past few nights. At least I thought it was a dream.
I was then back by the security gate leading to my workplace. With my dad standing next to me. What am I thinking? Am I seriously going to believe I’m dead? No, there is still a lot I haven’t done yet. I’m too young. “Come with me?” said my dad. “To where?” “I don’t know yet” “no…no…I can’t I need to be here” “so you’re just going to stay here when no one can see or hear you?” “Yes, I suppose I am”. “Fine, but once you’re ready to let go, let me no…” and then he was gone. Faded into the background. And now here I am. Stuck in the in-between. Not able to let go of my past. Trapped.
