I am in a dark dark place, with no light at the end of the tunnel. My life is nothing but a weary existence. I’m entirely isolated from the rest of society. I have been close to the edge. So close. This is what I have been enforced to undergo all my life, simply because other people deem themselves superior to me. Do they truly know the extent of what they are doing? Do they know anguish of which they inflict on me? I’m guessing not, as they would feel so awful; but they think of no one other than themselves, and don’t give a second thought to the individuals they have offended.
I have to put on a valiant façade, as I cannot stomach the contemplation of telling a soul. I don’t want people making the assumption that I am a weak, pathetic and feeble character, who can’t defend themselves. I couldn’t face the mortification of people knowing my ordeal, the fact of people making the judgement that I need support in living my life.
Simple day to day tasks that people take for granted are an epic exertion for me. I cannot wear a coat without the snide, hurtful and vulgar remarks. It hurts me. They don’t comprehend the fact that a human being who is equal, with the right to complete a daylight hour without feeling depressed to the point of exhaustion has feelings, and emotions. They snigger whenever I am in close proximity to them. They unearth a feature of my body and disparage it, because in their eyes nothing is wrong with their manifestation. I am pass the summit of insecure, it has become neurotic; I want to revolutionize my appearance, just because a tyrant has driven me to that point.
They humiliate me in front of everyone, and do not exhibit any indication of remorse. They all swarm around me like bees, I feel as if the walls are closing in on me. I get pushed. I suffer mental and physical abuse. I consider whether it is my imperfections or my fault, but I can’t be in command of my body, or the way I am. I cry and cry, but in secret; I can’t let them know they are triumphant. The fact of the matter is, is that I have all this pain and fear deep down within me. I attempt to disregard what has happened when I am in a different environment, but I just cannot; it never leaves my thoughts, it is as if it a disease.
There have been many a night where I have cried myself to sleep, or I will not sleep for the dread of my dreams being anything like my daily battle. I have had nightmares which are identical to my ordeal each day. Even in my sleep they are there, enticing me, tormenting me. It is a form of torture.
There have been days where I consider ending it all, I have been at the verge of the bridge, ready to soar like an eagle, but I couldn’t. The harsh and brutal reality is that, this is the hand life has dealt me. I maybe tormented for the rest of my life, or not. I tell you one thing this tribulation will be with me for a long long time.
