So here I sit, in my most favorite place in the entire world, watching my daughter twirl into my mothers awaiting arms; her deep purple dress twinkling in the dim light, a dress she would have worn everyday of the week if she had the opportunity. I look at their faces illuminating happiness, my daughter turns to look at me, grinning; she waves her purple fingernails at me, beckoning to come over. As I smile back to her and begin to walk over to her I think that there is nothing else in the world I could possibly wish for.
May 1960 *
“Mandy, honey is that you?” La Trice hummed down the speaker of her pearly pink speaker phone, her nimble fingers anxiously tapping against the dial.
“Sure is” Mandy spoke doing her best to hide her nerves. At this La Trice could not help but smile, her granddaughter didn’t realize how well her grandmother could tell how she was feeling.
“It’s ok to be afraid sweetie”
“I’m not afraid Ma”
“Is it your grandmother?” Sadie hissed to Mandy from the washing up basin.
“Yes Ma. Now hush it, can’ you see I’m tryin’a have a conversation?”
“’Scuse me young lady!” said La Trice
“No not you ma, I was talking to Mom.”
“Oh, well in that case.”
“It’s ok ma. Promise I’ll be good today and try my best.”
“That’s it sweetie”. There was a moment’s pause as her grandmother broke away from the phone to blow her nose.
“Now don’t you worry, if you don’t get through, which I can’t see why you wouldn’t, we’ll all always be here for you no matter what; ma, uncle Dudley, Janessa, Billy, Marie, and me of course, don’t you ever forget that now.”
“I won’t Ma”
“Good luck sweetheart; and just remember, the lord is always with you, God bless you Mandy.” La Trice sobbed down the phone.
“I will remember. Thank you Ma.” Mandy said turning away from her mother and dropping her gaze as to disguise her tears.
“Oh and ma-” Mandy said remembering her decency. “God bless you too.” She whispered, but the line had already gone dead.
*
-the 1940’s-
When I was eleven I stopped believing in miracles. My mother and father had separated and my grandmother, Martha Haney, died after a long battle with lung cancer, however it was not this that killed her. To top it off my grades at school were plummeting like a rocket without fuel. Once I week I would pray to the Lord for the things in my life to get better, for my parents to begin loving each other again and for us to be reunited as a happy family had more than its fair share of prayer. The other six days of the week were reserved for thanking the lord for what he did for us, like for instance having food on the table each day or going to school. As a young child I had loved the Lord with all my heart, he gave us hope when our lives started to get tough, but one incident that December left me doubting whether he loved me as I loved Him.
I was in my last year elementary school when my mother came and rushed me out of the classroom; her face frantic and her frizzy hair flying all over the place. There was only time for her to hurriedly utter “family emergency” to my teacher before she had scooped me up in her arms and ran out of the room. In the car she told me that my Grandma was in hospital, all my mother had heard was that she was in a very critical condition. There was very little I remember about that car journey. My mother had told me to pray, so I did.
For the entire 45 minute journey I , little Ruby Haney, sat with my elbows pressing painfully into my knees, praying for a miracle that would keep my Grandmother alive. But when I arrived at the hospital with my mother, Mrs. Martha Haney had already been pronounced dead. We found out later that she had fallen from her fire escape on the fifth floor of her apartment building breaking her spine. When an ambulance had been called to the scene they had expected to find her dead, however Martha had managed to survive. She was extremely weak and could not move, but remained in a semi-conscious state until she arrived at the hospital. The doctors said that it was a miracle that she had survived the fall from such a height. My mother and I were both in despair; we both loved my grandmother very much, she was never stern, but always smiling and singing. I didn’t want to accept that my grandmother had left us so suddenly.
As my mother and I sat beside her still body, I couldn’t help but wonder why God had not kept her alive, at least long enough for us to say goodbye. I remember asking my mother this and her telling me “But Ruby, God did give us a miracle.”. It was only until I grew a little older that I understood what she said. Throughout those few years I also understood that you pray for what you have, instead of what you want to have.
*
-May 1960-
I nearly puked as I got stepped onto bus #29. I didn’t know why I was doing this, nor did I really want to do it. I wasn’t carrying anything with me because I knew what I had to do by heart, one of my ma’s favorite sayings was ‘If your heart knows, your head knows’. I flattened the pleats of my Sunday dress, my best dress that I wore to church.
“Now young lady don’t even think about getting one speck of dirt on that dress today or I’ll have to pay an extra 2 cent for it at the dry cleaners” said Ma, paying the driver.
“No ma you don’t need to worry”.
“And don’t forget to smile and say thank you at the end.”
“I will.” I didn’t want to open my mouth too much because I was worried I would end up ruining my Sunday dress. My mother pulled in left and we ended up right outside it: New York Music Academy. No we couldn’t be there.
“Ma I don’t want to go in”.
“Mandy I know you’re frightened but it’s no different than performing at Jazzies”.
“Of course its different ma, I’m auditioning for a place in New Yorks best music school!”
“All right now honey, calm down, there no need to be so wound up.” Ma said worried I would throw a tantrum. “Let’s go on in”. She took my hand and pushed open the wooden door. The room was dusty with a large wooden reception desk, behind which a lady with pretty blonde hair sat chatting on the phone. When we approached the desk she put her phone down and smiled at us showing every one of her pearly white teeth. “Can I help you?”
“Yes”, ma said. “We’re here for a music audition”
“Name?”
“Mandy Haney”
“Date of birth?”
“5th of April 1949” I said because ma was no good with dates, even her own birth day.
“Ok, just head on through that way and they’ll be with you very shortly.” The pretty lady said pointing a long manicured fingernail to the door behind her.
“Thank you” ma said as we headed through the door. It wasn’t a long walk until we came to another door. There were six chairs running along the wall, two of which were occupied with I boy about my age and his mother, whom might I add looked like shed just swallowed a lemon. I sat down next to the little boy and ma sat next to me. It was quiet for a moment then-
“Hi. What’s your name?”
“Mandy” I said concentrating on the floor as I was feeling rather sick and not in the mood for talking.
“I’m Robert and I play the flute.” He said waving it in the air. “What do you play?”
“Piano”
“Well how you going to play without no music nor a piano?” he said, his face distorted with confusion. All of a sudden I realized he was right. “Ma, Ma!” I hissed anxiously tugging at her blouse, “How am I supposed to play without a piano!”. At this Ma laughed “There’s a piano in the auditioning room, you don’t need to bring your own!”.
“Oh” I said, starting to feel stupid. “Why didn’t you tell me that in the first place?”
“I thought you knew”
“Mandy Haney?” a voice said at the door.
“Do us proud sweetheart”. Ma said kissing me on the forehead. On wobbly legs I walked through the door and into the auditioning room, however to my surprise it was not a room at all, but a huge stage with a sea of red seats, sitting on the front row of these were 5 judges all holding clipboards.
“Hi, I’m Mandy and I’m 11 years old. I’m here to perform Jazz piano and accompanied singing.” I said surprised at my own confidence.
“Please begin Mandy” said one of the male judges.
“Ok” I replied, heading for the beautiful grand piano. I sat on the stool and traced the keys with my fingers, they were part of the most beautiful thing I think I had ever seen in my entire life. Casting a wary look at the judges I closed my eyes for a second, and then I began to play. After four bars of intro I started to sing, filling the whole theatre with my voice and Jazz piano, what I’d grown up to love.