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Narrative essay 1

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Introduction

Tanvi Dattani 10C Narrative Essay - Life changing fire The well sparkled in the moonlight. The bucket was heavy, but that compensated for the hard and tiring work I had done in the factory. The water was cool on my lips which was contradicted the heat in the shack. I closed my eyes, and heaved a sigh. Sheila once told me how she dreamed of one day going to Mumbai to go to study and making her parents proud. She always wondered if her parents were alive, they would be proud of her or not. This thought never left my mind. At the end of the bucket, the magical moment of freedom will be lost and back in the shack again. ...read more.

Middle

I couldn't do anything. All I could hear were screams and shrieks. I knew I had to save Sheila but wondered how to. This fiend was smoldering away my only support. "Sheila Sheila, I'm coming for you, hold on." I took a deep breath and prepared myself to enter the vicious inferno that might even absorb me in the bargain, but nothing could stop me from saving Sheila. I could feel my heart beating in my mouth as I prepared to go in. My life flashed before my eyes but my fear just disappeared when I heard a cry. "Save me someone please!" I knew that was Sheila and thought no more about myself but only about Sheila. ...read more.

Conclusion

Sheila was now merely a victim of this incident. I collapsed, feeling feeble and desolated; like I was the reason Sheila was dead. The villagers went on pouring more and more water but it was no use. I stood near the fire that whole night, remembering all the times Sheila and I had spent together. All her dreams, her hopes and her deepest desires came crawling back into my mind. The times we had laughed and the times we had cried. As the fire was slowly fading, my memories faded along with it. The next morning, the monster finally gave in. After a long search through stones and ruins of others, they finally found her- but without her voice, her smile, her hair. Her beautiful pale face was charred black. Her slender legs were bone. The h**l of my six months had finally perished consuming my only friend, and left her remains. Word count: 723 ...read more.

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Here's what a teacher thought of this essay

5 star(s)

A highly effective and descriptive essay, demonstrating skillful use of language to convey emotion. The horror and despair are cleverly conveyed and the depiction of the fire as a "beast" or "fiend" is very apt. Synonyms for the fire are used confidently too, such as "inferno" and "conflagration".

A few slips in grammar and punctuation slightly mar an otherwise excellent essay.

5 stars

Marked by teacher Jeff Taylor 26/04/2013

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