Isn’t it funny how things come into fashion? Latest crazes of my time include Yoyo’s, Pokemon Cards and Mini Scooters. The list is endless. Although the latest and in my eyes, the most peculiar, is this one. Barrow girls aged fourteen and above find it compulsory that they have to push a trolley around town on a Saturday afternoon, which contains a baby less than nine months old. The truly amazing thing about this latest craze is that it is getting more popular and good news for the lads is that more and more girls are wanting to be a part of this so called crew! This means lads more lasses are up for a easy screw, nothing better eh? Lads are warned, that you are throwing your life away, or what’s left of it after being on Heroin since you were seven years old!
The latest craze in my beautiful hometown of Ulverston is cockling. Slightly less commitment, and the cocklers also know that wearing wellies is always a sensible idea, shame the Barrow boys cant grasp this idea! Ulverston’s famous market is slowly being defaced by the increasing amount of cockle pickers. Upon entering the town after seeing the big cock, there is as sign that reads ‘Ulverston, A Historic Market Town’. It might as well be changed to ‘Ulverston, Home of the Best Cockle Beds in the North!’ Makes sense to me!
Different areas have different attractions don’t they? People coming to this area have obviously turned off at the wrong junction on the motorway and carried on driving. There is a reason they call it the thirty-mile cul de sac! It’s exactly that, when you come this way you are driving deeper and deeper into a dead end. However a massive attraction in the Furness area is the Dock Museum. Personally I can’t still believe that place is still open and running! Free admission to see a load of old shipwrecks and find out about the history of Barrow producing boats and submarines. It is an extremely busy place in the summer months, especially in the summer holidays. I mean every child gets bored of summer holidays, lets be honest. Parents with younger children always think that the Dock Museum will be a good day out. Your kids would probably rather have gone down with the boats that are on display in there, rather than go and visit the place. Surely parents can’t enjoy it? Children are crying themselves to sleep for months after visiting the Dock Museum, its pure torture for them. What makes things worse is the way parents speak, especially mums. They talk with other mums and recommend the Dock Museum as a good day out in the holidays!
“Oh yeah, we took James and Daniel to the Dock Museum in the holidays.”
“Supposed to be good there isn’t it?”
“Its amazing! The boys really enjoyed it, they can’t wait to go again.”
Yeah right! Thankfully, never took me, and I have never had the great pleasure of going there. Phew! Unbelievably the Dock Museum annually receives high ratings from the local newspapers.
The newspapers in this country are a disgrace aren’t they? The stories and articles that they are aloud to print. Listen to this one. The other day I was reading the Sun. The Sun has to be the funniest paper going, I mean if your up for a giggle on your way to work then buy the Sun. anyway, I was flicking through the pages and giggling to myself I came across a story that read ‘Soccer Star Axed for Sexual Abuse’. Being an avid football fan, I didn’t hesitate in reading this story. Turns out that he was sacked for stripping a youth team player of his clothes carrying him into the middle of the training complex and ramming a banana up his arse! Ouch! The things that can be done with fruit and vegetables are amazing, endless possibilities! Moving back onto the subject of Football. There are so many look-alikes in today’s game. I mean there is Ruud van Nistelrooy, who is a spit of a horse. There is the boy wonder himself, Wayne Rooney, well anything that can be described as being ugly could be recognised as looking like Wayne, but to be more precise, Shrek is like his long lost brother, except Shrek got all the looks! You’re not the prettiest amongst us Wayne, but that is still no excuse for shagging women that are old enough to be well… DEAD! Why not pick up one of Barrow’s finest after a night out? One night, guaranteed a good lay and no wrinkles! Magic!
There is also Ray Parlour. Charlie Dimmock, the carrot topped gardener that rarely wears a bra has known to be confused with Ray.
I apologise to all you Barrovians that have made the short trip here only to have the piss ripped out of you all night, I really am sorry! But I have come up with an amazing idea! I’m going to set up my own campaign on making Barrow a better place for everybody. How am I going to do that? Well I need the full backing of Anthony Blair before the plans can go ahead, but I’m planning on dropping a nuclear bomb on Barrow! Good idea? Thought you would like the sound of that one! Anybody that is interested in joining the campaign should see me after the show, promptly.
Thank you for your time tonight ladies and gentleman, and of course you Barrovians! It’s been a pleasure. Goodnight and thank you again! Oh shit! The doormen have just notified me that there is a group of Barrovians outside waiting for me! Nice knowing you, and wish me luck! I’m going to need it!
