The day that my life changed.

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The day that my life changed.

The day that my life changed, maybe this isn't the best way to describe the mistakes that I made in the past, when I see myself lying there in the cold, dark room with thoughts screaming through my head, all I can think about is how young I was, so idle and stupid that I had no real dreams, no real fantasy and no real structure to my life, I was living in hope, I was in my world and I wasn't going to let anybody in, now I realize the foolish road I was walking.

I suppose I should start at the beginning, I was 14 years old, at my friend Tom's house, I wasn't alone there. It was a not so unusual party, with the essence of cold beer and the sweet smell of burning cannabis, wafting over the heads of about 20 people, I for one was partaking in these substances, I was letting go off everything for that one night, with my closest friends and associates, I dedicated the night to being young, and celebrated by draining a bottle of wine in less then a minute. The sights and sounds around me where incredible, I could hear my very best friend, inside one of the caravans parked around the burning fire in which we where surrounded, she was giggling madly with another associate, rob I think his name was. At this party it seemed approved for everybody to hook up and pull, a normal teenage gang bang where kids get off their heads and sleep with the first thing that climbs into their tent, and I for one, at this party, was not going to let this stereotypical judgement put me off, I wasn't going to hold myself back and stop myself, although now I think about, maybe I would have been more comfortable stopping myself at this time.

As the night dragged on and the sound of silence drew near, all you could hear where the whispers of nearby couples, but nothing was getting to serious, all the alcohol drunk but still weed left to smoke, it didn't seem like the night was too far near dawn, by this time I was tripping badly, it was cold outside but I kept myself warm by sitting near the fire, suddenly I felt somebody touch my arm, I looked around and saw my friend Andrew sitting next to me, I had had a girly crush on him for some time and was excited to see him taking an interest in me, minutes later and there we where lying on the burnt grass kissing each other, I felt perfect, I didn't care about anything going on around me, all I wanted was to lie there forever slowly taking in the sights and smells around me, the mood was romantic, the sounds of quiet whispers sent a chill down my spine, I felt like a naughty school girl but it felt amazing.

Soon I started to tell things where getting serious and I didn't stop myself being drawn into his world of sex. He asked me to go into one of the many tents with him, and I felt it was my duty to him to go with him, I thought I could please him and I wanted to, I wasn't sure how far it would go, but I knew that at the end of the day nothing mattered to me anymore, all I wanted was him, and so I went and without a thought on my safety and contraception, I let him have his way with me.

We came out of the tent a few minutes later, and the people around me, my so-called friends, looked at me like I was scum, something they had picked off their shoes in a nasty manor, but I didn't care, this feeling was great, I never wanted it to end, as I walked into the caravan where my best friend had found hidden supplies of alcohol and was sneakily trying to drink it all before anyone would walk in, she looked at me with surprise and giggled a bit, then looked at me square in the eyes and asked me 'You slept with him didn't you?' and that's the point in which I knew I had done wrong, my heart missed a beat and I lay on the portable sofa inside, I wanted to hide my face from everything, I was in shame, and I could look anywhere, I didn't answer her question because she already knew the answer, it was devastating, but we agreed it was ok and it would all be alright, I didn't have to worry because she would look after me, she was drunk but she knew what was happening, we went outside and slowly people starting moving into different tents and going to sleep,. All I wanted was to sleep and forget everything and maybe I was dreaming, maybe it didn't happen, but maybe it was just the cannabis playing tricks with my mind, but deep down I knew what was going on in my mind. I fell asleep next to the fire, I was the only one left out but I didn't want to go anywhere else, I didn't want to be in an enclosed space, I felt I would suffocate.

I woke up the next morning, it was a hot late summers day so the sun was shining in my eyes, there was nobody anywhere to be seen, I walked into the house where my best friends was sleeping and laid on the floor and thoughts, I recalled everything that had happened, I couldn't open my eyes I didn't want to believe it. I woke up with the sound of Tom and his friends playing heir music, they are in a band, my head was next the drum kit and I felt my head banging against it as they played. I woke up and sat up, they looked at me and Tom gave me a cheeky smile, me and Tom had been very close, and I felt like I had disobeyed him, but I knew he would understand. We get up and tidied up the garden. Everyone had gone apart from me and Michelle, so me and Tom went into one of the caravans and left Michelle to get dressed. We spoke about last night, he said he still loved me even though he felt he didn't know me anymore, I lit a cigarette and as I blew the smoke from my mouth, I imagined that it was the thought of last night that it would just blow away into the air and dissolve.

As we walked down the road, Tom following behind, we decided to stop off at the doctors surgery, we asked to speak to a doctor about emergency contraception, but we where refused as we weren't local. Tom lives on a hill on the outskirts of a large village; we picked up our luggage, and carried it into the centre of town, where I broke down into tears. Thoughts where running through my mind one after another after another, I was screaming inside and I just wanted my mum so I could hold her and talk to her, but I had no-one to talk to, I was lost on my own for my mistakes, I promised myself never to smoke cannabis again, and to this day I still haven't.
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The following nights I stayed with Michelle, I decided that I would not tell my mum because I know what her reaction would be, and maybe after all of this chaos was over, she wouldn't need to know.

It would be the start of a new year in a couple of days time, so I went home to begin getting ready to go back, I told myself that this year would be different, I would concentrate on work, after 9 years of messing around in lessons, and devoting myself to being a kid, I would settle ...

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