After hearing the terrible news, the Brick summoned the kingdoms heroes, Mighty Durex with his Mighty Poking Stick of Justice, and Brian.
‘The Brick would like you to retrieve the princess from the Black Castle’, explained Dmitri ‘Oh and if you have time you could mercilessly slaughter the Dark Lord, thank you’.
And with that Durex went off and formulated a plan, he would go to the castle, enter somehow and free the princess, in some heroic way. Brian went home to his bed and guitar.
After a good night’s sleep Durex left his home with only the clothes he wore and his trusty poking stick. Brian was still in bed cuddled up next to his guitar.
A couple of miles down the road a forest appeared on one side. This was no magical forest with wolves eating grannies and other crap; it was just your average forest. As it came closer, or rather he got closer to it, he thought he could hear a noise, a light squeaking. The noise started to grow louder until suddenly 3 large men burst out of the forest. They would have looked extremely fearsome, if their armour hadn’t been made out of pink glass.
‘We are the Dark Riders’ announced the apparent leader.
‘Why are you riding pink tricycles with baskets on?’ asked Durex.
‘These are our noble steeds’ yelled another Dark Rider.
‘…And the pink glass armour?’ said Durex
‘I think it looks rather fetching’ said the leader ‘but enough talk, we are sent by the Dark Lord to kill you’
As the trio sprang on Durex he noticed that Abba’s ‘Dancing Queen’ was coming, quietly from somewhere, but there was no time to wonder where. Durex swung his poking stick at the small pink mass poking the first rider in half.
‘Nooooooo. Julian.’ Shouted the third rider ‘Now you shall p…’
Before he could finish he was cut short, by a couple of feet. The final rider was quickly shredded to the consistency of dog food as he sat cowering in a corner. Durex knew the riders’ white flag was no match for his nut poking stick.
He dusted himself off and looked at a job well done. As he leant on his poking stick, munching on a carrot, a small green man with a knobbly stick came out the forest. Like a little leprechaun he was, by the name of Miss Thomas.
‘Done well you have. Hmmm. Slaughtered many indeed’ exclaimed the man.
Durex was taken back by the way the man spoke and he wondered if he actually knew he was naked.
‘I good hero they have found in you I see. Hmmm’, said the naked midget.
‘Uh, thanks’, said Durex after a little thought
‘I give you this, a magical object, which will help you on your quest. Hmmm’ and he offered Durex a large package that he had concealed somewhere.
‘What is it?’ asked Durex.
‘Unorthodox Wings they are. Hmmm’ answered he.
Unorthodox Wings are a pair of wings much like angel wings in appearance, they attach to the buttocks of the user and give him powers. Users can fly, create small and smelly tornadoes as well as other miscellaneous powers.
‘Thanks’, said Durex as he put on his new wings
‘Fly you must. To the castle. Hurry. Hmmm’, and with that the man shuffled away into the forest.
After a little practice Durex was flying well and was now well on his way to the Black Castle to meet his destinyyyyyy………
At the castle Durex thought of a way to get inside and rescue the princess. He didn’t even try the front door as they are always locked and guarded, he went round the back to the broken, unlocked screened door that most evil castles have. He made his way quickly through the darkness, following only his instincts and the neon signs giving directions to the secret den and dungeon.
Durex saw the Dark Lord pacing up and down his dank den, in front of the princess who was tied and gagged in the corner. Durex somersaulted into the room, rolled across the floor, sprang up, whirled his poking stick above his head and landed in a very heroic fighting stance known as the smelly fish.
‘Oh it’s you’, said Beryl, with a yawn
‘Yes, tis I’, said Durex, disappointed by the lack of reaction to his dramatic entrance.
Beryl pulled out his deadly courgette and made for the hero, wailing an ancient battle cry. Durex moved to the side, but cunningly left his leg sticking out, sending the Dark Lord flying across the floor. Beryl dragged himself up and threw himself at Durex only to have the heroes two outstretched fingers shoved straight into his eyes. The Dark Lord blindly thrust his weapon at Durex who dodged the blow with his mighty nut poker and shredded the courgette to a measly garden salad. To add insult, Durex walked over to the blinded Dark Lord and nutted him. Now that Beryl was dazed it was time for the final maneuver. Durex turned around, bent over and unleashed a smelly tornado, the likes of which had never been seen. The Dark Lord was thrown against the back wall, left unconscious and smelling slightly eggy.
With that, Durex went over to the princess, threw her over his shoulder and heroically ran away. Knowing princesses as well as any hero should, he was sure not to remove her gag.
Durex flew back to the Bricks kingdom with Jeremy Whelk in his arms.
He landed safely outside his home and looked out at the sky, thankful his quest was over. But in the distance a darkness grew. A small patch of blackness getting closer and closer. The Dark Lord, left for dead, was in fact, not dead and had followed Durex back to the kingdom, riding on a large black flying egg. Beryl landed near the house and waved a sword, yes a real weapon, then strode towards Durex.
At that moment, Mighty Spermy the gnome, Durex’ best bud and sidekick, opened the door of the house right in the face of the Dark Lord, knocking him out kinda like a cold turkey.
Spermy would have joined Durex on the quest, if he hadn’t been urgently needed elsewhere. Something to do with goats and offended people on a train Spermy had said.
Spermy scratched his groin in greeting and said ‘Hi!’
‘Nice timing’, said Durex as he sliced the Dark Lord into little bite size pieces, the size of hula hoops.
‘Well I’ll be off again, my part has been played’, Spermy went back in the house with a deep sigh and a final pick of his nose.
Durex turned back to the princess to find she had vanished. In all the confusion, Brian had got out of bed and pinched Jeremy Whelk. He took her back to the Bricks palace and made up some story about how brave and courageous he had been. The princess still hadn’t been de-gagged and so could say nothing.
Durex stormed into the palace to find Brian being showered with praise, glory and kinda naked women.
‘Dammit!’ yelled Durex ‘Those are my kinda naked women. I saved the princess’.
‘Really’, said Dmitri Meatloaf as he removed a bear from his large facial bush.
‘Yes’, said Durex.
‘Prove it’, answered the advisor.
‘And how exactly would I do that’ asked the hero.
‘The Brick says you must complete a challenge that only a true hero could. You must fight the legendary slug of Agoo-goo’, Dmitri told the hero, ‘You too Brian’.
‘Piece of cake. This hero business is easy’, said Brian, and the two were led to the great arena. Just a little smaller than Zanzibar.
They stood side by side in the centre of the sandy arena, awaiting possible doom. Thousands upon thousands of people were seated around the arena staring in. Durex felt quite embarrassed.
‘Killing a silly little slug shouldn’t be too hard, eh?’ whispered Brian.
‘Hmmm you never know’, said Durex as a great fanfare of trumpets went up and the huge golden gate in front of them opened. There in the entrance sat, a slug. Just an ordinary looking slug.
The heroes stood in wait. Half an hour later the slug had moved 2 inches, so they decided to go to it.
As they approached, Brian bent down to pick up the slug in mockery, but as he did so it jumped up and bit his face off.
Ah, thought Durex, There it goes, and he backed away.
The slug flew at him, to the cheers of the crowd, but Durex dodged the flying beast. He realised his large nut poker would be no use against the tiny monster.
Thinking quickly, Durex kicked some sand into the slug’s eyes and ran to the far side of the arena. As he tried to come up with a plan he removed his shoe, which had been causing him some discomfort. There, to his delight, he found a cabbage lodged inside. Durex shredded the cabbage with a spin of his mighty poker and made a trail of leaves from the centre of the arena to a statue on the border, which he then hid behind.
The slug munched the leaves and followed the trail to the statue. 2 days later he arrived, after Durex had tried to chew his own leg off in hunger. As the slug finished the last leaf Durex jumped out and trod on the notorious slug.
‘You have accomplished the task’, said Dmitri, appearing from no where, ‘Woohoohoo for you-hoo’, he sang as he removed an elephant from his large tash and ate it.
A great party was held in honour of Mighty Durex and the success of his quest. Huge tables were laid with food, Queen’s songs sang, people danced, and there was much rejoicing.
Brian, who had survived the attack, was revealed as the cheating scum that he was and often accused of supporting the scum (Ar…Ars…., Can’t say it) He was given a Michael Jackson make over and banished to France.
Afterwards there was a beautiful wedding ceremony between Mighty Durex and Princess Jeremy Whelk. Beautiful, even though the apparently mad priest randomly yelled out words in mid speech poo for example, or willy.
Durex became the new king with Jeremy as his faithful queen, and, as he sat with her looking out at the sunset he thought…….hang on a minute……….I’m gay!
THE END?
Hopefully!
