To Kill A MockingbirdInterior Monologue: Mayella Ewell

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Clara Tang 10D

To Kill A Mockingbird—Interior Monologue: Mayella Ewell

I stood on my porch and let my mind trace back to everything that had happened since I accused Tom Robinson of taking advantage of me. It was the first time I had fully allowed myself to think through what I’ve done and be aware of it. I couldn’t help accusing Tom. I know deep in my heart that it was wrong but I was in panic. My father had seen us and if he found out the truth, all the things I could think of him doing to me were unspeakable. My father’s actions weren’t the only reason why fear had flooded my mind that evening, blocking my thoughts from thinking straight. How Maycomb would think of me if they found out the truth behind my selfish accusation, these were all living nightmares lingering inside my head waiting to come alive.

I try hard to make myself look presentable in Maycomb while my living conditions contradicted the way I looked or behaved, where my father abuses me and I feel no safety at all. If Maycomb found out the sincerity behind the case, it would mean all my effort of trying to be spruce in in this society would go to waste. I don’t want to have any resemblance to my father in any way and I definitely don’t want to be known as worse; he’s effortlessly filthy and doesn’t care about his appearance and the way people see him. I differ.

When it was my turn to step up after him in the courtroom and tell my testimony, I could feel the contrast in how people looked at us by our appearances. Each question thrown at me while I was on the witness stand was like a bullet I was forced to dodge. The longer I was standing there, the harder it was to dodge the bullets. When Judge Taylor asked me to tell him what I remember happened, it felt as if I missed one of the bullets and it struck into my heart. This caused me to burst into tears. While Judge Taylor and everyone else in the room thought this was an act of sorrow from what had happened between Tom and me, it was guilt. Pure guilt and regret haunted my mind. At that moment, I had silently confirmed to myself that I regretted being with Tom that day. I regretted my actions and I regretted my words. I wanted to take them back but they were already scattered out in the air for everyone in Maycomb to remember.

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When I told my story of that day, each lie that escaped my lips was a fear that somehow, it wouldn’t be enough to convince Judge Taylor or Mr. Finch. It wouldn’t be enough to avoid another beating from my father. I did everything I could do to avoid answering any more questions from Mr. Finch. I reckon he was trying to bring out the worst in me, I told him he was mocking me but I can’t be sure if he was since all I could think about was how I was being judged in that courtroom. As ...

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