Write an essay to be published on your school website about this dilemma with reference to one experience you had when using the Internet. Discuss what should be made public and what should remain private,

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08 AL / Question 1 / p.

Students often access Internet blogs and social network sites so that they can share their views in a public forum.  However, there are dangers in giving too many personal details.  Write an essay to be published on your school website about this dilemma with reference to one experience you had when using the Internet.  Discuss what should be made public and what should remain private, making clear your views on how the freedom to say what you want can be balanced with protecting your own and other people’s privacy.  Give your essay a title.

 

A Fundamental Dilemma

        Freedom and Privacy.  These are probably the two most valued human rights, over which never-ending debates have been fought and between which there seems to be a huge, indelible rift.  The incompatibility of them cannot be anymore apparent with the advancement of technology, under which one’s opinions are more easily and effectively transpired and, here comes the terrible trade-off, dangers in giving too many personal details are causing increasing concerns.

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        The painful experience I had last month is going to be a life-long nightmare of mine.  Living in the contemporary world, my friends and I often go online and access Internet blogs to put down our so-called thoughts and bits of our lives.  I thought that it was a good way to share our happiness with others and, knowing that unscrupulous people were everywhere, I did set up passwords for my blog so that only those allowed by me could read my words and photos.  I said whatever I like and I condemned anyone or anything I hate.

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On the whole this is a very well written essay. It is well-structured with an effective opening, a logical sequence of ideas and a strong conclusion. The vocabulary is appropriate and sophisticated in the tone it conveys. I would encourage any writer not to overdo the use of complex vocabulary however, sometimes simplicity is more effective. The opening sentence is proof of this. An examiner is looking for clarity of expression and this is managed mostly effectively throughout. The technical accuracy is very good, with only minor slips with tenses. This essay demonstrates the necessity for a minute or two of thinking through of ideas to ensure a coherent and logical discussion. 5 stars.

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The Quality of Written Communication here is excellent. Though not completely void of error, the candidate shows a fantastic knowledge of a range of challenging vocabulary like "indelible" and understand how to write abstractly like "Privacy and Freedom are mutually exclusive concepts". There is also a good knowledge of the use of more complicated punctuation points like colon and semi-colons, which shows confidence and enthusiasm for English. I would argue that there is no requirement for exclamation marks anywhere in a response like this so where they do feature is not necessary, though it is unlikely the candidate would be penalised for this.

The answer here uses a number of techniques in order to best inform, describe and advise their readers. It reads excellently, and shows that the candidate has either an exceptional ability to structure their answer or, more likely, they have simply planned in advance what and how they are going to write it. Planning may seem like a waste of time to candidates rushing through and exam with only 1-hour to write and A*-grade piece of work, but if you leave yourself 5-10 minutes before beginning your answer to plan what to say in each paragraphs, outlining the most important topics for discussion (in this case: social networking; the safety of passwords; the "experience" the question asks for, etc., etc.). It makes writing a consistently powerful response much easier and prevents moments of 'down-time' during an exam where candidates just sit for five minutes and 'go blank'.

The Response to Question shown by the candidate is very good. As a "Writing to" task, there is plenty of attention and focus on how to stay safe on the Internet. This actually reads like a journalist's column, with a clear beginning, middle and end. It starts of explaining the advancement of technological and the pressure to stay inside the Internet's blogosphere as friends no longer exist solely at school or work - they follow you home, and you follow them. This is something very fundamental and would be often over-looked in a lesser ability candidate answer, but this candidate not only mentions it, they mention it well and use and excellently advanced vocabulary in order to do so, leading seamlessly into the bulk of the argument having informed the readers of the topic of interest with great written dexterity.