Write to argue for or against mobile phones being allowed in school

Imagine your sat down in a classroom, all is quiet, when

suddenly a reppettetive and rhymic ringtone slices

through the peace and suddenly the class is in an uproar. This is a

problem faced by many teachers in many classrooms across the country.

This disturbance not only interrupts the teacher but also effects

the education and learning cycle of countless children. This is why I make the proposal that mobile phones should be banned.

Outright. The problems they cause are undeniable, and therefore I

propose that you have been hassled by half thought pleas that pupils can switch them off or turn them on silent, and I am sure that if this were the rule many would agree.

However it is inevitable that those lacking a sense of responsibility will

This is a preview of the whole essay

Outright. The problems they cause are undeniable, and therefore I

propose that you have been hassled by half thought pleas that pupils can switch them off or turn them on silent, and I am sure that if this were the rule many would agree.

However it is inevitable that those lacking a sense of responsibility will

ignore and ‘flaunt these rules, and so even if there are not as many occurances of phones going off, there are still some! Others have argued that they should be left in bags or lockers, which could solve the problem. However how long will it be before one is stolen, leading to a barrage of complaints and allegations from parents. ‘The bottom line’ is that the school will not be responsible if we don’t allow them on the premises.

Many have brought up the issue of pupils becoming ‘stranded’ in schools

and unable to contact a parent. This I agree is a downside, yet it can be

avoided if pupils organise their day and their time correctly. Also

teachers, or receptionists are always here to provide a phone if the

situation arises.

Yet another problem which seems to stem from banning mobile phones is it leaves the pupil without the option to call for help when they feel

threatened, are being followed or are being bullied. Well, I have to say

that yes this could be a problem, but how much bullying occurs due to

mobile phones, for example people being bullied for having old and out if

date handsets or by people who are jealous of someone’s newer, better

phone.

Phones cause another problem in that G.C.S.E. students generally waste a lot of time at home on MSN, or going out when they really need to be revising, so why should more of their precious time be wasted in school following interruptions which need not occur. Moreover if we don’t allow them in school then they will not get into exam halls where they cause havoc and often lead to disqualification. I would just like to thank you for listening, and hopefully agreeing, to my proposal that mobile phones should and need to be banned from schools.

Peer Reviews

Here's what a star student thought of this essay

sydneyhopcroft

26th of Aug 2012

Quality of writing

The Quality of Written Communication (QWC) is fair but some areas do not properly adhere to the rules of Standard English "Also teachers, or receptionists are always here to provide a phone if that situation arises" is not a proper sentences. The previous sentences requires a comma to link the quoted sentence to it. This is basic primary school grammar and should not be an issue for GCSE candidate. These errors need to be rectified with carefully proof-reading in order to make sure the QWC mark is as high as possible.

Level of analysis

The Level of Argument is very high, but in some parts a result of this is that it is not very convincing. The candidate appears to be very pig-headed about their stance on mobile phones in school, and perhaps a compromise would've provided better balance as this argument does seem very one-sided, with the candidate rebuttals to counter-argument feeling very one-sided and ignorant. For instance, suggesting that parents and students should organise their day before school to avoid the need to phone in the case of an emergency or suggesting that phones are a primary cause of bullying undermines the intelligence of a student to be able to reasonably use their phones within permitted times such as break time or lunch time, so whilst the argument is impressive in the number of the techniques it uses, it would be better to see fewer techniques sued more appropriately and reasonably.

Response to question

The essay here is a good attempt at a Writing to Argue task, and demonstrates a good level of knowledge on how to write an effective argument. I will say outright that the tone of the piece borders on hysterical and some of the argument appears fairly ignorant of more realistic concerns, with can often undermine the argument and make having a mobile phone on school premises not seem like such a bad idea. For this I recommend being slightly more concerned with a realistic argument that realises the unpredictability of life, no matter how pre-planned and predetermined it is (phones are to be used in an emergency would be a good compromise and a welcome balance in the essay). The essay's positives however are that it is written with a very firm hand, giving an indication of confidence and sincerity; it also utilises a number of linguistic rhetoric devices like alliteration, rhetorical questions, exemplary scenarios and Second Person address. All these help the effectiveness of the argument, as they engage the reader and propose the argument with force.

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