Finally when I am ready, I go downstairs and wait for my friends. Occasionally I feel like walking alone, but not often because when I so my so-called 'friends' get bitchy and shout at me for not waiting for them. My friends annoy me, but they're good people. I don't want to hurt them.
I find that before school I am usually depressed, but once I enter my tutor room I perk up. I hate being perky, it bores me not to have problems, but I can't help it. I have verve. I don't like having it, I would give it up for anything, but I do have it.
And so begins the drudgery that is lessons. I am doing my GCSE's. I am doing an extra one in science and an extra three in IT. This means I am doing fifteen instead of the usual eleven. Both teachers, friends and even family think this is too much. They're right. I'm not going to admit it to them though! But when they think it is too much hard work, I think I can afford to flunk ten of them and still do what I want to do! Also, when my friends think which am I going to fail and try harder in it, I think which am I going to fail and stop trying in them. Then I take all the now disused effort and put it into ones I want.
At lunch I hang around in a large group. We, or at least they, are 'The Populars'! Most of my friends vex me. Most, not all are always going on about clothes or 'pop' music of when they can have their next fag. I wear what I like, I would rather date Marilyn Manson than Ronan Keating any day and I don't smoke. But just like the others they are good people and I wouldn't give them up for the world.
After school I frequently have extra lessons in IT or science. I am usually organised and do all my homework, coursework and extra credit work I have, but sometimes it breaks me. I shatter into pieces and I won't do any work in or out of school for ages. I use phoney excuses like,
"I wasn't here when you set it, I was in the toilet puking. Didn't you notice I was gone?" and the stupid morons believe me!
Once home after the seven and a half-hours spent at school (usually about three of them I believe to be wasted) I disappear up into my room. Sometimes I go out with friends but not usually. Not since we both changed. I stopped caring, and they started caring too much. I don't have a boyfriend. I am not very good at relationships. I always end up cheating on who ever the poor soul is that I am seeing! It doesn't bother me that I don't have a boyfriend. It just means that I don't end up hurting any one that doesn't deserve it, which I defiantly don't want to happen.
When I am tired I go to bed, my parents don't know what time I go to bed, because they don't see me all day except teatime. Tea is generally a rush. I shovel it in eager to leave the idle 'chit chat' that goes on around me.
My brother takes the mick. He calls me a recluse. My brother's stupid. He is sixteen and like all teenagers he believes the world revolves around him. Just like I do! It would damage the world if I died. Society as we know it would break down. At least for a day or two. I always think of death before I sleep. Sometimes I ponder whether to kill myself just to see what would happen. I never do, obviously! But maybe I will, someday. And on the morbid thoughts of slitting wrists, overdoses and jumping off buildings I slip into a paradise world, where I do not have verve, my friends don't care and I know all. I lie asleep in a dream. I would stay if I could.
