When you are preparing your self, to begin talking to your child about what is happening, do not wait until the perfect time to tell you child about the idea of death. As it says: “After a loved one has died, there often isn’t a good time to talk about death.” (Brooks & Siegel, 1996). It is better for your child to hear the news from you in the correct way, then you taking the chance of someone else in your family telling your child what is happening and possibly the wrong way or a way that the child might misinterpret what is being said. Your communication with the child is the key to the child’s understanding of what you are communicating. When you are beginning your conversation with your child, do not ask questions such as what would you do if grandma died? This introduction to the conversation is bound to create uncomftable feelings both for the parent and the child. The beginning explanation to what is happening should not be based on a theory or a belief on what you should say. It is said by Grollman, 1990 that “philosophical interpretation are too abstract for a child to comprehend.” You should therefore stick to simple and easy explanations. The meaning of death should not be approached directly with the child. A parents indirect and very gentle approach to the subject is better than a direct approach. “The explanation might involve trees and leaves and how long they last.” (Grollman, 1990). It is always better to start with things that the child is familiar with and that seem non-threatening to the child and work up to the child’s level of development.
Being honest about death is very important in the child’s perception about what happens when a person dies. When in the process of explaining death it is imperative for the parent to remember to refrain from using euphemism to explain what death is like. Using euphemism can confuse the child of the meaning of death and possibly make the child afraid of certain things. When a parents begins using euphemism they are only trying to deceive themselves and make the conversation easier for them not for the child. The worst thing a parent can say to the child is say to the child “Uncle Johnny went on a long trip” or “Grandma Betty is sleeping” (Schaefer, 1993). The child will interpret these word literally and will be afraid to go to further trips or may be afraid of going to sleep because of the fear of being put in a box, just like they did to grandma. Word such as “went to sleep”, “gone away,” and “left us” can be great words to avoid saying death when speaking to an adult, because an adult will more likely understand what you want to say, however a child will not understand what you are trying to say and your risk of the child misinterpreting your meaning is high. The child will believe that grandma went for a trip like she use to and she will come back just like all the other times she did. It is obvious that these words can lead you to a different path then you wanted to take. A more appropriate choice of wording when speaking to the child might be words such as “dead, stopped working and worn out – simple words to establish that the body is biologically dead.” (Schaefer, 1993). These words insure that you are remaining honest to the child and are using the words that would signify that the body is actually dead and is not returning.
As a parent, it is important to explain to the child three important things about death the first one is that death is universal. Something that will happen to everything that lives one time or another. All living things must die. It is also very useful to tell the child that “death does not single out bad people for punishment, nor do only the good die young.” (Grollman, 1995). Many children believe that if they act good that death is not going to come after them, but if they act bad that they are automatically going to die. It is crucial for a parent to straighten these things out so that child understands that death does not choose between the bad and the good. Along with this, it is also essential that the parent conveys the message that “death is permanent and irreversible” (Grollman, 1995). Children may believe that there is something that can be done such as wishful thinking or giving the person some food or water in order to bring them back to life. It is the parents duty to enforce that there is nothing that could be done. Lastly the parent has to make sure that the child understands the “dead people can no longer feel anything” (Grollman, 1995). This means telling the child that the dead person can no longer smell, feel, touch, see or feel anything that is going on. Explaining all this information once to the child might not be enough for the child to understand and comprehend it completely. It may take the child numerous of times to hear the same information in order to start remembering what you have said. Now that you have explained death to your child and the child understands what it means, the next step is to begin explaining to your child what is going to happen to the person who has died. The child will more likely be curious where the body will go or be kept. If you come from a religious backround, then explain to your child in a plain language the basics of what will happen. Avoid using too much detail because the child is likely to get confused. Also, if the child is not attending the funeral it is important to tell the child what will happen to them in the next few days, who will watch them, where you will be and most importantly when you are coming back for them. “Children like to know where things stand, what to expect, who will take care of them , and where they fit in.” (Schaefer,1993). Once the child has understood what you have said, there might be questions that the child wishes to ask. It is important for parents to remember that the child should be given honest answers to the questions they ask. Some questions that your child asks you may not have answers to. It is said that: “If they ask something that you can’t answer, be honest and say you don’t know. It’s better to admit that you don’t understand something than to fill a child’s mind with a deception or half truth.” (Schaefer, 1993). It is important to note that some questions may be asked right away, while others may come a few days later. It is the parents responsibility to answer these questions honestly to the best of their knowledge.
Now that you have equipped your child with all this knowledge and your child understands the concept of death, you face another big challenge. It is the parent’s responsibility to help their child grieve successfully with the emotions that the child is feeling about the death. “Sometimes children are denied help after a loss because those around them discount it’s effects on them. Or sometimes the child’s caretaker is so deeply concerned about the loss that he is unable to take responsibility for the child’s feelings and confusions. Sometimes an adult who might help is reluctant to intrude into someone else’s problems, or fears that good intentions might backfire, actually hurting or damaging the child. And all too often adults have no idea what a child needs after suffering a loss or how they can provide the help that is needed.” (Jewett, 1982). If the grieve is not resolved there can be severe effects on the child. What can be the effects of loss in children if they do not grieve successfully? As it says, “Psychologists agree that there are severe, lasting well into the adult life if the grieve is not resolved. Studies show that emotional distress in adolescence and adulthood – including depression, alcoholism, anxiety and suicidal tendencies – is often linked with bereavement suffered in childhood.” (Jewett, 1982).
Before you even started the conversation of death, you should have let your child know that it is alright that the child show emotions that he/she is feeling.. It is important to tell your child “Crying is normal; that’s what we feel like doing when someone dies.” (Grollman, 1990). The child has to know that showing emotions is alright and that whatever the child might be feeling will not be rejected or dismissed by the parents. Experts say that “do not try to dismiss or minimize the child’s expressions or guilt, responsibility or remorse. Hear the child out.” (Brooks & Siegel, 1996). It is vital for parents to keep their ears free and keep the lines of communication open with the child so the child is able to express the emotions that he/she is feeling.
When the child understands what has happened, there are numerous emotions that the child might be feeling. Denial seems to be one of the most common emotions that the child is experiencing. A child might deny that the death ever happened and act as if the person is still alive. During denial “children may look unaffected because they are defending themselves against the terrible loss by pretending it has not really happened.” ( Grollman, 1995). It is important for the parent to let the child express this emotions, however, the parent should also keep stressing the fact that the person has died and that they are not alive anymore. Panic also seems to be a common emotion among children. If children are aware of the illness that their loved one died from, the child may become preoccupied with the symptoms of that illness and believe that they too have this illness or disease. It is said that “children may become preoccupied with the physical symptoms associated with the death of their loved one and feel that they, too, will die of the same illness.” (Grollman, 1995). The parent of the child should stress that just because their loved one died of that illness does not necessary mean that they will too. If the panic is severe, the parent may have to make a routine physical examination with the doctor, so the doctor can confirm with the child that nothing is wrong with him/her. Children may also experience guilt. This is considered normal. Usually all people including children blame themselves for past mistakes they made or think that something could have been done to prevent what has happened. Children may also try to place the blame and guilt on someone else in the family in order for them to feel better about what has happened. It is said that “by projecting guilt on someone else, children absolve themselves of blame.” (Grollman, 1995). Parents of these children need to assure the child that there is nothing that they have done or that anyone could have done to help the deceased. Some children may feel a little bit depressed about what has occurred. If the child was really close or attached to the grandmother or if the grandmother lived in the same household as the child, this emotions is most likely to occur. The household will all of the sudden feel empty to the child and the child may feel abandoned or alone, especially if the child spend a lot of time with the his/her grandmother. Expressions such as “ I don’t want to play” or I don’t want to eat.” (Grollman, 1995) may be common words for parents to hear. Anger may also be present in the child’s emotions. The child may become angry with the deceased person for leaving them and not being around anymore like they use to. It is said that “bereaved children are often bitter and resentful about their misfortune; they may become irritable and difficult to manage.” (Grollman, 1995). The parents has to remain patient with the child and respect the emotions that the child is experiencing. Do not try to punish the child for feeling angry, offer to talk with the child about his/her feelings and how you can help them resolve those feelings of anger or any other feelings or emotions that the child may be experiencing.
Death in the family is an emotional and traumatic experience both for the adult and the child, but most especially a child who cannot yet comprehend the complete meaning of death, until they reach a certain cognitive level of development. Explaining death to a young child can seem like a big challenge to a parent, especially when they are unaware of what to say. It is even more difficult, when the child is quite young. To make explaining easier there are a few things to remember when explaining, being honest and simple with the child helps ease the anxiety both for the child and the parent. You need to start discussing death slowly, using things the child understands and that are non- threatening to the child, then working your way up to the child cognitive level of development. Using euphemisms can further confuse the child of the meaning and make them scared to do certain things. In order to be successful in explaining death your child needs to understand three important things, the first is that death is universal, death is permanent and irreversible and lastly, a dead person can no longer feel, hear, smell or see anything. There are also numerous emotions a child can feel, either separate or together. A parent has to support the child in the emotions his/she is feelings ,without minimizing the reaction. It is only then that the child can successfully grieve through the death. Whether the child is six years old or ten years old, the conversation with the child should not be above or below his/her cognitive level of development because the message will likely not be understood properly. Children mourn in silence and are often forgotten and excluded in the grieving process. When children are included in the grieving with the family it allows them to successfully resolve their grieve and lead a more progressive adolescence and adulthood.
References
Brooks, B., Siegel, M. S. (1996). The scared child: Helping kids overcome traumatic
events. USA: John Wiley & Sons.
Grollman, A. E. (1990). Talking about death: A dialogue between parent and child.
Boston: Beacon Press Books.
Grollman, A. E. (1995). Bereaved children and teens: A supporting guide for parents and
professionals. Boston: Beacon Press Books.
Heath, P. C. (1990). Children and reaction to death. National Association of School of
Psychologists. Retrieved March 20, 2005, from http://www. amphi.com/~psych/
death.html.
Jewett, L. C. ( 1982). Helping children cope with separation and loss. Harvard: The
Harvard Common Press.
Schaefer, D., Lyons, C. (1993). How do we tell the children?. New York: Newmarket
Press.
Thornton, M. C. (2001). Using children’s literature to help the grieving child. Physical
Disabilities and Related Services, 19(2), 5-20.
