Love and the Things that go with it.

Johnson, Brad

Psychology

Dr. Cross

Love, What is it? It is something that has been around since the beginning of human history. It is described in song and literature since the beginning of civilization and only now are we beginning to understand it. Relationships are an integral part of love, bringing to people together to share a bond that is now only being studied by psychologist. It is the experience of love starting at birth that defines what love means to each individual. It is understood that Parent-infant interactions are capable of shaping the types of relationships that the child will have later in life. In order to have a lasting relationships throughout life psychologist have outlines key attributes that are necessary to have in any healthy relationship. This is a look at how early parent and infant interactions are able to affect the romantic relationships that will be encountered later in life.

It has been said that everyone knows how to love; you just have to learn how to show it. The Attachment Theory has been used to study babies and how they develop socially, with a direct correlation being attributed to the type of care given to the infant. Children learn to understand different styles of love based on expectancies developed from childhood experiences with caregivers. When an infant is separated from its caregiver the child will go through several stages of emotional reaction. As the child is left alone the initial stage is one of protest. The child begins to protest in some manner and will refuse console from others. Despair comes next where the infant becomes passive and sad. As the child passes through despair, they move into detachment. In the detachment stage, the child shows little regard for the caregiver’s return and may actively avoid the caregiver’s attempts at consultation. An assumption must be made about the Attachment Theory and that is sensitive responding on the part of the caregiver leads to secure attachment and insecure attachment results from insensitive responses by the caregiver. These theories were developed from studying infants in an experiment called the “Strange Situations.”

The “strange situations” experiment consists of four, three-minute episodes in two different stages where psychologist film and view the infant’s interactions through a one-way mirror. In all of these episodes the doctors are studying how the infant interacts with their caregiver and inferences about the child‘s care can drawn from this interaction. Stage one, episode one the mother and baby are situated in a room with some toys in the middle. Stage one, episode two a stranger walks into the room and sits down across from the mother with the toys between the mother and the stranger. At this point, the researchers are looking to see how the child interacts with the mother upon the stranger’s arrival, whether the child continues to play or whether the child moves toward the mother for security. After one minute passes in episode two the parent and stranger begin to talk. At the end of third minute, the mother leaves allowing the stranger and infant to be alone starting episode three. After the three minutes pass the mother reenters the room concluding the first stage. The child’s behavior is then scored on four behavioral attributes proximity seeking, contact maintaining, avoidance, and resistance. These behavioral attributes lend some insight into the child-care and can foreshadow how this will affect his social interactions in the future. The first episode of stage two the baby is left completely alone in the room with the toys that are in the middle. In the second episode, the stranger reenters the room and tries to comfort the child. The third and final stage the mother reenters the room and stands at the door, which is done to see the interaction between the mother and the child and how well the child accepts the mother’s return. The “strange situations” have helped classify infants into three general categories of children.

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The “secure/free” child is one that maintains contact with the mother, was easily comforted by the mother, sought proximity to the mother, and had rich play themes. The secure child would interact with their mother in a natural way often including the parent into their play theme. They would look to their mother for reassurance as the stranger entered and keep in close proximity to their mother’s chair when she left. Upon the mother’s, return the child would easily find comfort in the mother’s presence and be calmed by her when they were in her arms. Another defining aspect of the secure child is the rich play themes that they exhibit. The children would often spend less time moving from toy to toy and more time building a central play theme around a single toy. In laboratory settings children who showed signs of self-reliance and independence were found to have parents that were very nurturing and sensitive. In contrast to the kids that had less self-assurance, their parents were found to be more permissive (Prager, 1995, p.89). These aspects can be seen in pre-school and kindergarten settings, teachers observed children who had developed secure attachments in infancy were said to be socially competent and popular. They were seen to have more dominance and initiative in a social scene (McAdams, 1989, p.143). The secure child with all things constant will grow up to have very desirable characteristics; they will value relationships, become forgiving in them and secure in the relationships that they occupy. Dr. Cross once said that it takes dependence early in life to have dependence later on in life.

The second type of child that was discovered in the strange situations was the “ambivalent/entangled” child. This child sought proximity from the mother but became resistant when the mother tried to consul or interact with the child. At the end of stage two episode three when the mother returned to the room, the child would move towards her for consultation. When the mother began to consul the child, they would begin to arch their back in resistance or try to squirm out of the mother’s grip. As an adult this type of child will find others are reluctant to get as close to them as they would like. They often worry that their partner does not really love them or will not be there for them in the end. In relationships, they feel confused and angry many times wanting to merge completely with their partner but this intensity will sometimes scare people away.

The third and final category that has been discovered by the “strange situations” is the “avoidant/dismissing” type of child. This child was considered the most popular ideal of a child selected by parents who were shown the different behavioral patterns of the children. This fact stems from a person associating the “avoidant/dismissing” behavioral pattern with that of someone who is independent later in life. The child avoids the attachment figure with eye and body contact. These children at times could be seen playing with their back to the mother or not making a viable effort to include the parents into the play theme. They would often become so occupied with their toys that they would completely ignore the absence of their mother or the entrance of the stranger. One of the characteristics of the parent that helps push the kid into this category is the parents desire for their kid to achieve early independence. As the “avoidant/dismissing” child grows up, they will be uncomfortable being near others. Trust of and dependence on others will be difficult for these children to grasp in future relationships. In relationships, where their partners become too close they will be nervous and often be unable to gain the intimacy that their partners desire. There is a tendency for this category to have loss of memory relating to attachment related conversation and will make claims of personal strength from hardships that they have endured. Materialism is another attribute that “avoidant/dismissing” adults exhibit in their social lives. While there is no exact recipe on what types parenting techniques create what type of child, some things can be done to raise a securely attached child. Sensitivity and understanding of a child’s needs are one of the most important behaviors that a parent can exhibit to their kids. It has been shown that close contact to the child can enhance a parent and child’s connection allowing a child to gain secure attachment. Dr. Cross even recommended a child-carrier that allows the child to be strapped to the chest of the carrier so that the two are facing one another. This style of carrier enhances parent child communication and contact. No matter what category a child fits into the early parental-infant experiences are not irreversible and it is possible for all categories of children to have enduring health relationships through out their life.

In order for a couple to have a healthy partnership, they must build the relationship on a solid foundation. Sternberg’s “Triangular Theory of Love” outlines three pillars that he feels is essential for anyone to maintain a healthy relationship.Intimacy, Passion, and Commitment are all essential elements of love that need to be present for each partner to feel secure. Intimacy is a self-disclosure of inner feelings through the sharing of stories and the showing of emotion. Passion describes a sexual or erotic interest towards another person. Commitment is a conscious decision to stay loyal to your partner and disregard all other potential romantic relationships. If all of these elements are equally present in both partners the most complete and healthy type of love persists – “consummate love.” Yet, Sternberg believes this to rarely happen, often times people begin to emphasize only one or two of these aspects. When not all three pillars are present different types of love begin to surface within the relationship. The love that is found in friendships “liking” involves intimacy but little or no commitment and passion. The “infatuated love” consists of a high passion, low intimacy, and low commitment levels, leading the relationship down a short but intense road. This type of love usually involves someone fitting into a fantasy that we have created but once the fantasy is lost the relationship is lost as well. When there is high commitment and low intimacy and passion the relationship is experiencing “empty love”. This type of love is common with estranged partners who remain together out of convenience or for some social reason. When the partners do not really know each other or have little intimacy and high passion and commitment they are experiencing “fatuous love”. This love becomes common among couples that are just beginning to date or are starting down the road of a serious relationship. “Romantic love” occurs when there is a high level of intimacy and passion but little or no passion exists within the relationship. Emotionally less intense “companionate love” involves intimacy and commitment but little passion. In this situation, one of the partner’s has more focuses in their life than just their partner. Companionate love usually develops over time with the beginning stages being at just liking someone. The longer time span and the lack of exclusivity lends itself to a greater emotional trust. Jealousy is less likely to develop in such situations and a greater friendly attraction and deep attachment develops. Out of all the different styles of loving, Sternberg believes the love that we should all strive for is “consummate love” where all three pillars of the love triangle are present (Byer, 1991, pages 72-76).

The secure attachment theory and the triangular theory of love intertwine with one another to give us a broader understanding of how an infant’s experiences can affect them through adult-hood. Some central issues must be understood in order for the connection to be made between secure attachment and consummate love. When a child is young, the parents are able to instill confidence into the child, which is done by the caring and nurturing of parent-hood. I have watched videos of my child- hood and as I am the oldest child, my parents spent a lot of time video taping and caring for my needs. I witnessed in the videos that my mother would take notice of the slightest protest, she was sensitive to my needs, which is a very important trait to learn, sensitivity. As a child, you are a taker in relationships; people listen to you and try to meet your needs. The things that you are able to learn, as a child, are compassion and intimacy. These are two of three pillars that are necessary for consummate love and without these traits no future relationship will be fulfilling. Children do not understand the idea of love but they do understand the things that accompany love such as compassion and intimacy, if they are securely attached. Passion the third tier of consummate love comes later in life but is able to be achieved upon puberty and sexual encounters. This is the reason that there is such a strong argument for good parenting techniques. It takes years of understanding and relationship building for a person to understand and achieve a proper knowledge of these traits. Secure attachment is a necessary step towards healthy relationships; because without it no one is able to put faith into the power and the possibility that a healthy relationship could bring. The reason is primarily that they have never had previous experience with such a relationship. It is the sensitivity and care delivered to the child that enables the child to have lasting relationships in the future.

The fact that someone has had a secure attachment in the past does not mean that such an attachment will continue through the rest of his or her lives. It takes a conscience effort on the part of both parties in the relationship to continue and develop secure attachments and consummate love. The road to happy and healthy relationships is not an impossible one it is only bumpy. There is hope and a man once said, “All you need is love.”

As a great man once said, “All you need is love.”

McAdams, D. P. (1989). Intimacy: The need to be close. New York: Doubleday.

Prager, K. J. (1995). The psychology of intimacy. New York: Guilford

Sternberg, R.J. & Barnes, M.L. (1988). The psychology of love. New Haven, CT: Yale University Press.

Curtis Byer and Louis Shainberg’s Dimensions of Human Sexuality, Wm. C. Brown Publishers, 1991, pages 72-76