August 3rd 1916
Next morning got woken up by the major. Wanted us out on battlefields for them practice shoots. Robert was late getting ready. Major was having a go at him. He’s always had it in for our Rob, it’s not his bleeding fault he’s got bad leg is it, bleeding bastard. If it weren’t for the fuckin Major always pushing Robert to move faster he wouldn’t have hurt his bleedin leg in the first place! Was out there till dusk. Got back about 5pm. Major made Rob stay behind to make up for being late in the morning. Didn’t see Rob that night.
August 4th 1916
Got woken up the next morning could hear artillery guns firing. Shit! The Germans had found us. Our time has come. It was no practice it was real this time. What the hell am I going to do? Everyone was rushing round everywhere. Sergeant was bellowing at everyone to move quickly, “you fucking bastards move!” I could hear the Major screaming at Rob to get a move on. He was always shouting at him; for god’s sake give him a break. There was no time to argue we had to get out there. I was shocked, scared and shaken. I could see Robert he was keen to get out there, showed no sign of fear. That’s why I was proud. I was feeling anxiety and dread at the same time. When we got out there bullets where shot all over the place, I didn’t know what to do defend myself or go and attack. Robert was quick to attack he ran forward screaming at the Germans. I was scared. I didn’t wanna go further. I wanted to stay behind. I was scared of the consequences. Everyone was all over the place. Half of the crew was either injured or dead. Rob was yelling at me to come forward. I didn’t know what to do. German bastards! I screamed at Rob to come back, I could see the Major eyeing up Rob, silly bastard was too scared to even move himself. I told Rob to leave it, to come behind. He wouldn’t listen; he was ready to take on anyone. I’ve never been so scared in my life. I knew I had to go further down the cross line, to help defend my country, my brother. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t move. It was like my feet were stuck to the ground.
I don’t remember what happened after that, I just remember being awoken by the sergeant telling me to go back to the trench. Was I dead or alive? I touched myself everywhere, there was no blood. I must have fainted. It was dark now. Half the crew was missing, I was looking for Rob. The Major returned to base bout 9pm, I asked where Rob was and he just put his head down and said sorry. What???????
I didn’t sleep that night. I don’t think anyone did. Robert had gone. I was so angry, I could kill someone.
August 7th 1916
Last two days were the worst. My little brother had gone. The bastard Germans killed him. Sergeant told me a telegram had been sent home, but what must they be going through. What am I going to say to Ma? I let these bastards kill my little brother; they took him away from us. What do I say to Ma? I didn’t look after him properly. Rob was brave one and I was the weak one. I couldn’t even go and help him; it’s my fault he’s gone. I should have helped him. I should have been brave. Ma told me to look after him, be the brave one. But I didn’t. Rob was the brave one. He wanted to prove himself to the bleedin’ Major. It’s my fault. I should have been there for him. It’s all my fault, all mine. German bastards, when I get out of this shit hole, I’ll show them all. I’ll get them all back for what they have done. I’m so sorry Rob.
Me and Robert digging the trenches in March 1916.